Imagine that you could free yourself from the corporate world. Clothing labels didn't matter to you, the only desire was comfort. What food you ate wasn't as important as getting to eat. Everyone is your friend, no matter how they treated him the day before.
I've had the pleasure of meeting this young man. Alex came in to my life in April of 2011. He moved from his home in Yamhill to be with us at the Ranch. His pleasures are simple, horses, Yamhill, and driving his tractor. At length he will tell you about Yamhill if given the chance, he has no shortage of desire to talk of home, which includes his two horses and many siblings. Spoken of as if you know them already, when you finally meet anyone from his narratives you feel as if you know them already. A typical description of anything includes so many tangents and rabbit holes that you often forget what the original topic is, but never to worry, Alex won't remember either, he's perfectly happy pursuing his new thoughts, which will change in short order.
Never have I met anyone in my life that was as generous as Alex. He is willing to buy you your hearts desire... the only problem, he does not understand the value of money. A lot of money is $200 and not very expensive is $1. There is no other value. He can barely read and can't count all that well, so in his mind, he just doesn't have enough money for it or he can buy as many as he could possibly get. I've toyed with the idea of buying him lottery tickets for the sole purpose of getting everything that I ever want. If he had the money, he would make it possible. Candy bar $1, tractor $200.
This young man has really changed how I see those with disabilities. He struggles to do many of the things that we take for granted, walking, brushing his teeth, even bathing. These are things that he needs help with. He is never embarrassed by his inability but takes it in stride. He is happy to help however he can, even in his limited strength, but don't count him out. He will surprise you. I'm glad to call him my friend, and know that he calls me his.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Where's the Fire
Have you ever encountered a scenario that someone reacted completely different than how you would expect?
In January, the guys and I took a short retreat into Bend to get away from the rigors or work and the frustration of the day to day. Calling roll would include me and the job coach, Joe, Alex, Robby, Daniel, Mike, and Mark. Excitement bubbling over, we pulled up to a house near Sisters that we would be staying in and settled in for what would be a ride. As the guys settled in and got used to the surroundings, Joe and I plotted the next day with as much certainty as we could. Nothing prepared us for what we actually ran in to.
Things started simple enough, we ate breakfast, boarded the van, and took the 20 minute drive to Bend where we planned to first explore Wall St. We found abundant parking... our Rock Star permit made this easier than the average person will experience, and set out on foot to see where the day would take us.
I've been to Bend numerous times, but I'm not usually hindered on where I will go so I usually end up in a pub, bellied up watching whatever sport happens to be on at the time. Without this luxury, I actually go to see the shops that line the main drag. There's a lot of them. Toy Stores, Candy Shops, even a hobby shop that I found interesting enough to forget that I was still watching several of the guys.
It was at this juncture in the day that we ran in to a bit of a snag. If you've ever needed to use a bathroom when in downtown Bend, I'm sorry, I feel your pain, and I can one up you any time you ever want to complain. Try finding a bathroom where you can leave four guys unsupervised while you help out in whatever way you can. This proved impossible. I unfortunately had to leave a pair of guys with Joe, a pair of guys in the hobby shop and take one on to a restroom at a tea shop.
It's polite to make sure the bathroom is for public use but I wasn't about to tell the guy behind the counter the kind of emergency he was dealing with if he didn't just let me have the key, so I managed to provide a restroom for a very relieved young man. Chaos ensue. I thought it would take a few minutes. A few minutes stretched in to fifteen, I was a little impatient and instead of knocking on the door, I rushed back toward where I left everyone. Joe was headed toward the shop as I passed and I gave him instructions and where to wait. I hurried to collect the last two guys and set back to the shop.
I have a hard time sitting and waiting so it must have been torture for the four other guys that I work with as we sat for the interim. By now it had been a solid 20 minutes and our 5Th guy was not to be seen. One by one, the rest of our troop expressed a desire to use the restroom and I found it easier to take the guys to another shop. We had to cross two streets, but we found a nice open place to sit and a restroom with easy access that I could see every guy go in and come back out. This is an important lesson to remember.
Having told Joe where we would be, I figured he would be along shortly. No such luck. I walked out to the corner where I could see Joe standing in front of the tea shop. He caught sight of me and with what I'm going to guess was a confused, slightly amused look, waved me over. I gathered our force and set off again for the shop. I arrived to find Joe and our last guy standing to the side of the building. As quick survey of the area showed littered glass, a broken glass door, and a fire extinguisher sitting on the ground.
Wheels turned, planets aligned, and pistons pumped. Realization dawned and I caught Joe's eye to a look that said it all. The expression could only be interpreted as "What in the World!" There was no explaining it. Our guy himself couldn't even tell you what went through his mind. He though one thing while reality was slightly different. Fire extinguish + bracket + (F=MA) - glass window = where I was standing at that moment. There was no reason to panic but I wasn't sure if I should. Everyone involved was fine. The window was not. We waited and did the only thing that we could, we laughed.
In January, the guys and I took a short retreat into Bend to get away from the rigors or work and the frustration of the day to day. Calling roll would include me and the job coach, Joe, Alex, Robby, Daniel, Mike, and Mark. Excitement bubbling over, we pulled up to a house near Sisters that we would be staying in and settled in for what would be a ride. As the guys settled in and got used to the surroundings, Joe and I plotted the next day with as much certainty as we could. Nothing prepared us for what we actually ran in to.
Things started simple enough, we ate breakfast, boarded the van, and took the 20 minute drive to Bend where we planned to first explore Wall St. We found abundant parking... our Rock Star permit made this easier than the average person will experience, and set out on foot to see where the day would take us.
I've been to Bend numerous times, but I'm not usually hindered on where I will go so I usually end up in a pub, bellied up watching whatever sport happens to be on at the time. Without this luxury, I actually go to see the shops that line the main drag. There's a lot of them. Toy Stores, Candy Shops, even a hobby shop that I found interesting enough to forget that I was still watching several of the guys.
It was at this juncture in the day that we ran in to a bit of a snag. If you've ever needed to use a bathroom when in downtown Bend, I'm sorry, I feel your pain, and I can one up you any time you ever want to complain. Try finding a bathroom where you can leave four guys unsupervised while you help out in whatever way you can. This proved impossible. I unfortunately had to leave a pair of guys with Joe, a pair of guys in the hobby shop and take one on to a restroom at a tea shop.
It's polite to make sure the bathroom is for public use but I wasn't about to tell the guy behind the counter the kind of emergency he was dealing with if he didn't just let me have the key, so I managed to provide a restroom for a very relieved young man. Chaos ensue. I thought it would take a few minutes. A few minutes stretched in to fifteen, I was a little impatient and instead of knocking on the door, I rushed back toward where I left everyone. Joe was headed toward the shop as I passed and I gave him instructions and where to wait. I hurried to collect the last two guys and set back to the shop.
I have a hard time sitting and waiting so it must have been torture for the four other guys that I work with as we sat for the interim. By now it had been a solid 20 minutes and our 5Th guy was not to be seen. One by one, the rest of our troop expressed a desire to use the restroom and I found it easier to take the guys to another shop. We had to cross two streets, but we found a nice open place to sit and a restroom with easy access that I could see every guy go in and come back out. This is an important lesson to remember.
Having told Joe where we would be, I figured he would be along shortly. No such luck. I walked out to the corner where I could see Joe standing in front of the tea shop. He caught sight of me and with what I'm going to guess was a confused, slightly amused look, waved me over. I gathered our force and set off again for the shop. I arrived to find Joe and our last guy standing to the side of the building. As quick survey of the area showed littered glass, a broken glass door, and a fire extinguisher sitting on the ground.
Wheels turned, planets aligned, and pistons pumped. Realization dawned and I caught Joe's eye to a look that said it all. The expression could only be interpreted as "What in the World!" There was no explaining it. Our guy himself couldn't even tell you what went through his mind. He though one thing while reality was slightly different. Fire extinguish + bracket + (F=MA) - glass window = where I was standing at that moment. There was no reason to panic but I wasn't sure if I should. Everyone involved was fine. The window was not. We waited and did the only thing that we could, we laughed.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Identity
I sent an email the other day to a man that I met at church. It was a new church to me but for some reason I felt like the person who was welcoming him to the church. He was a front row Joe, which leads me to believe that he's heavily involved in the church, even sitting up front with his 7 year old son. I had confidence in my position because I was surrounded by my ministry and was who I am when I am at work with the guys. One question that I asked him was "What do you do?".
More than just asking him what he did for work, I was asking him what kinds of things he liked to do. Who he is, what Makes him, him? The question went down to the board and I was glad to see it there, making sense to me. It was a question that I was glad to ask and was genuinely interested in what the answers were. I was asking for his identity.
When I used to think of my identity, I didn't think much past my name and maybe where I lived. That's all that made up me. Asking the same question now, I get a sense of how much the question 'who are You' really means. Turning it around, I have begun to ask myself who am I.
I've been struggling to find the answer to this question because once I realize who I am, my behavior changes because I will act out my 'self-understood' identity. I steal this quote from Kris Vallotton. I wish to know who I am. What I stand for. I am so tired of having little to no idea of how I will respond to some situations and scared of how I have reacted at times to other situations that occur to me. My current job presents me with every kind of situation that you never imagined might be a problem.
I need to stop distracting myself with this world and start listening to hear the words that God is speaking to me. I need to hear the name that he calls me and accept who he sees me as. There isn't much that I won't do to keep from pursuing God. My pride needs to die so that I can feel God's presence. I wish my heart to break so that I can truly live the life that God has for me.
More than just asking him what he did for work, I was asking him what kinds of things he liked to do. Who he is, what Makes him, him? The question went down to the board and I was glad to see it there, making sense to me. It was a question that I was glad to ask and was genuinely interested in what the answers were. I was asking for his identity.
When I used to think of my identity, I didn't think much past my name and maybe where I lived. That's all that made up me. Asking the same question now, I get a sense of how much the question 'who are You' really means. Turning it around, I have begun to ask myself who am I.
I've been struggling to find the answer to this question because once I realize who I am, my behavior changes because I will act out my 'self-understood' identity. I steal this quote from Kris Vallotton. I wish to know who I am. What I stand for. I am so tired of having little to no idea of how I will respond to some situations and scared of how I have reacted at times to other situations that occur to me. My current job presents me with every kind of situation that you never imagined might be a problem.
I need to stop distracting myself with this world and start listening to hear the words that God is speaking to me. I need to hear the name that he calls me and accept who he sees me as. There isn't much that I won't do to keep from pursuing God. My pride needs to die so that I can feel God's presence. I wish my heart to break so that I can truly live the life that God has for me.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
2012
Another year has come and gone and new hope and supposed wisdom was blessed upon me at the conclusion of 2011. Right? No!! Not exactly anyway. My cliche start here leads me to some not too cliche reminiscence for the year in review.
2011 was just another year to me. It's a step in the direction that takes me, where? I accomplished some new things in the year and didn't get to do some of the old things that I had set out to do. I've found myself a job and have worked/lived in the same place for nearly 10 months now. That is the longest since leaving Portland in 2007. I've learned a fair bit about myself and also learned what I cannot do. Those admittances have been harder to take than most anything else of the year.
No one likes to see their self as weak and it's been hard admission for me in this past year. The place I work, the people that I've met, and the relationships that I've been a part of have placed a big ole' spotlight on my faults, ouch!! I would normally boast about how I'm going to turn it around in the coming year, but I just don't have the energy to do everything that I would desire to do for 2012. I don't like being weak, but in a few things, I very much am.
So how do I move forward with just a little bit of hope... I don't know, but I move forward. I expect that God will move me in the right direction as he did for much of 2011. I just hope I'm not blind to his prompting. I just need to continue to move in a direction and trust that God will stir within me the desire to follow a path that is in his will for me.
2012, take it easy on me and if you must kick me in the teeth, forgive me for kicking back.
2011 was just another year to me. It's a step in the direction that takes me, where? I accomplished some new things in the year and didn't get to do some of the old things that I had set out to do. I've found myself a job and have worked/lived in the same place for nearly 10 months now. That is the longest since leaving Portland in 2007. I've learned a fair bit about myself and also learned what I cannot do. Those admittances have been harder to take than most anything else of the year.
No one likes to see their self as weak and it's been hard admission for me in this past year. The place I work, the people that I've met, and the relationships that I've been a part of have placed a big ole' spotlight on my faults, ouch!! I would normally boast about how I'm going to turn it around in the coming year, but I just don't have the energy to do everything that I would desire to do for 2012. I don't like being weak, but in a few things, I very much am.
So how do I move forward with just a little bit of hope... I don't know, but I move forward. I expect that God will move me in the right direction as he did for much of 2011. I just hope I'm not blind to his prompting. I just need to continue to move in a direction and trust that God will stir within me the desire to follow a path that is in his will for me.
2012, take it easy on me and if you must kick me in the teeth, forgive me for kicking back.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
... the season
I opted out of the word "tis" because I don't want this to become a habit for me. This morning I learned that a very close friend of mine passed away. That is not the main point of my writing today, but I think I want to share some things about it.
I don't deal with death... well. I would leave off the end of that, but everyone has to live through the death of other people. You don't just get to sit down and say, "it ends right here for me". I used to be the one that made jokes, then I was the one that got angry, as I've gotten older, I've learned different ways to move past people that I care about that are moving on.
Sitting in my house after working around the guys today, I'm still the daily living coach for Mark 2 Ministries, I have observed how they cope with this loss. Some of them want to be alone, some want to be with people, and some make inappropriate comments that don't sit well. I began to strum on my guitar, I don't play well, but I do have a few songs that I've been trying to learn for a while now. One just happened to be "Silent Night". It's a classic Christmas song about the birth of Jesus.
Understanding washed over me and I realized that Christmas is the time that gives people hope to live on when the ones we love have gone before us. I know that death isn't the end and that I will get to be with my friend again. For the time being, it is still a painful loss, but there is hope in the one that came to set us free. To give us hope in his life, and the time of year is here and now that we celebrate his coming.
I suspect that I will break down and cry at some point today, but for now, I'm hanging on by a thread, distracting myself with the work that I have to do because I don't know what else to do. It reminded me of Paul in the story immediately following Jesus' death. Paul was the one who had ample reason to be ashamed of his actions the day of Jesus' death, he denied him. But he realized that he was still a follower and instead of walking away from Jesus, he walked back. By doing what? By doing what he knew how to do. He was a fisherman, so he went fishing, and Jesus appeared on the shore in the midst of his work. I'm going to carry out what I know to do and do that job that I can, and hopefully it will give Jesus a chance to show up on my shore.
I don't deal with death... well. I would leave off the end of that, but everyone has to live through the death of other people. You don't just get to sit down and say, "it ends right here for me". I used to be the one that made jokes, then I was the one that got angry, as I've gotten older, I've learned different ways to move past people that I care about that are moving on.
Sitting in my house after working around the guys today, I'm still the daily living coach for Mark 2 Ministries, I have observed how they cope with this loss. Some of them want to be alone, some want to be with people, and some make inappropriate comments that don't sit well. I began to strum on my guitar, I don't play well, but I do have a few songs that I've been trying to learn for a while now. One just happened to be "Silent Night". It's a classic Christmas song about the birth of Jesus.
Understanding washed over me and I realized that Christmas is the time that gives people hope to live on when the ones we love have gone before us. I know that death isn't the end and that I will get to be with my friend again. For the time being, it is still a painful loss, but there is hope in the one that came to set us free. To give us hope in his life, and the time of year is here and now that we celebrate his coming.
I suspect that I will break down and cry at some point today, but for now, I'm hanging on by a thread, distracting myself with the work that I have to do because I don't know what else to do. It reminded me of Paul in the story immediately following Jesus' death. Paul was the one who had ample reason to be ashamed of his actions the day of Jesus' death, he denied him. But he realized that he was still a follower and instead of walking away from Jesus, he walked back. By doing what? By doing what he knew how to do. He was a fisherman, so he went fishing, and Jesus appeared on the shore in the midst of his work. I'm going to carry out what I know to do and do that job that I can, and hopefully it will give Jesus a chance to show up on my shore.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The things you don't want to
There are things in your life that you just don't want to do. Some of things you can't admit to, and even struggle with yourself to find another reality because the truth of it is just too much to bear. I've struggled with one of these lies for far too long and have recently decided that enough is enough. I'm not a convincing liar. I never really was, so the fact the I deluded myself for so long just proves to me that I might be more than a little crazy.
I've put words to it. I've admitted that I have a weakness and now am taking steps to rid myself of this issue. If you're only reading at this point to know what the issue is, I'm sorry, but I won't reveal it at this time. Maybe down the road when it isn't such a fresh wound will I take off the bandage and show people the scar of what has held me captive for so long.
That last line above just flowed quite clearly because I know that I'm not doing this alone. When you fall on your face and realize that you aren't as strong as you once thought yourself, you are not at your weakest. If anything, this is one of the true strengths of the human spirit. Only when we are weak are we truly strong enough to go before the one that is here to set captives free.
He waits. He calls softly and waits. It is up to you to realize that Jesus is always by your side and never leaves or forsakes you. Leave your pride at the door, because once you go to him, you will be broken.
I was spanked as a child... some people reading this are probably saying to themselves that this explains a lot, well it does. My dad never spanked my in his anger. I've been told again and again that I carry the same anger that he does and I have struggled at times to keep it in check. I have flown off the handle to a point that I've scared people that have known me for years, worse... I've scared myself. I've looked at someone in a blood rage and just wanted them to cower before me in the pain that I wanted to inflict upon them.
This same rage comes from somewhere... I guess from my dad. I've never seen him like this. So I know that if it had come out when I was being punished, he would easily have knocked me through a wall. Instead, he punished mostly to get our attention. In such a loving way, our Savior, Jesus, punishes us. He allows us to inflict it on ourselves, which is the worst punishment I can imagine. I'm always the worst to myself. You can't bring your ire against me the way that I can bring it against me.
I'm sheltered. I'm afraid. I'm not alone. I have the best support system in the universe. Ask me about his sometime. He might just surprise you at how well he already knows you and how much he already loves you.
I've put words to it. I've admitted that I have a weakness and now am taking steps to rid myself of this issue. If you're only reading at this point to know what the issue is, I'm sorry, but I won't reveal it at this time. Maybe down the road when it isn't such a fresh wound will I take off the bandage and show people the scar of what has held me captive for so long.
That last line above just flowed quite clearly because I know that I'm not doing this alone. When you fall on your face and realize that you aren't as strong as you once thought yourself, you are not at your weakest. If anything, this is one of the true strengths of the human spirit. Only when we are weak are we truly strong enough to go before the one that is here to set captives free.
He waits. He calls softly and waits. It is up to you to realize that Jesus is always by your side and never leaves or forsakes you. Leave your pride at the door, because once you go to him, you will be broken.
I was spanked as a child... some people reading this are probably saying to themselves that this explains a lot, well it does. My dad never spanked my in his anger. I've been told again and again that I carry the same anger that he does and I have struggled at times to keep it in check. I have flown off the handle to a point that I've scared people that have known me for years, worse... I've scared myself. I've looked at someone in a blood rage and just wanted them to cower before me in the pain that I wanted to inflict upon them.
This same rage comes from somewhere... I guess from my dad. I've never seen him like this. So I know that if it had come out when I was being punished, he would easily have knocked me through a wall. Instead, he punished mostly to get our attention. In such a loving way, our Savior, Jesus, punishes us. He allows us to inflict it on ourselves, which is the worst punishment I can imagine. I'm always the worst to myself. You can't bring your ire against me the way that I can bring it against me.
I'm sheltered. I'm afraid. I'm not alone. I have the best support system in the universe. Ask me about his sometime. He might just surprise you at how well he already knows you and how much he already loves you.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Back Burns
The hillside outside of my house is black. Fires raged through this camp burning just about anything that was burnable a few weeks back and it left as much as a third of the camp a charred and black, sooty mess. Some of the camp wasn't burned as a result of the lightning storms, but because of back burns. This is about those fires.
I watched them start around 5 in the afternoon and they burned much into the evening. Some of which I watched from the back of a Polaris 700. An ATV that had so much power, I thought it would come alive and buck me off on a few occasions. I rode patrol up and back on the main road, checking and double checking the groups that were keeping a watch at the road to make sure the fire didn't jump to the main part of camp.
It seemed a waste to watch so much land burn without any reason why. They claim they needed to stop the fire somewhere and the road was the most readily available place to do that. These burns especially tore through areas that I was starting to explore a bit more freely.
What are my hikes going to look like in the months to come. Until the rains really start the grass can start to grow back, I'm going to be left trudging through a depressing landscape with little to mark the passage but burned out trees and tufts of dead grass. It doesn't look the same as before, but adventure, new adventures is what is the best part of hiking. Maybe something exciting will come from it. Only time will tell.
I watched them start around 5 in the afternoon and they burned much into the evening. Some of which I watched from the back of a Polaris 700. An ATV that had so much power, I thought it would come alive and buck me off on a few occasions. I rode patrol up and back on the main road, checking and double checking the groups that were keeping a watch at the road to make sure the fire didn't jump to the main part of camp.
It seemed a waste to watch so much land burn without any reason why. They claim they needed to stop the fire somewhere and the road was the most readily available place to do that. These burns especially tore through areas that I was starting to explore a bit more freely.
What are my hikes going to look like in the months to come. Until the rains really start the grass can start to grow back, I'm going to be left trudging through a depressing landscape with little to mark the passage but burned out trees and tufts of dead grass. It doesn't look the same as before, but adventure, new adventures is what is the best part of hiking. Maybe something exciting will come from it. Only time will tell.
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