I've been worse. I've been better too, but for sure I have been far worse. I hit bottom a few years ago and have been crawling back ever since. I've sweat, bled, and strained half the muscles in my body to get back to where I am today. My body aches most days, I have to drag myself out of bed many times, but for the most part I feel ok with where I have gotten to.
Today I was cleaning out my email and I came across some gems. A few funny ones from my brother, including a Christmas List and a fruitcake recipe, some old friends sent things that said they needed cheering up, and one that caught me so off guard it was like being hit in the face with a bat.
I'm still working on becoming a screaming optimist, that hasn't changed, but reliving the email that once brought me to tears, just did the same thing to me again. All the anguish that I went through that day came back to me and I didn't imagine that I could feel some of the things that I went through.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Fishing in the Rain
For some reason this morning was cold. By cold, I don't mean a brisk early summer chill that you need a light coat on, it was frigid. The kind of day that I zip up the Mountain Hardwear and make sure I have a stocking cap handy. To add to the lovely temperature, it rained. Not just a little here and there, but the kind of rain that you expect in late October when the only ones crazy enough to be outside are inside Autzen Stadium with 50,000 of their closest friends. Rain that soaks through layers, to get to other layers to soak through so it can chill your bones to the brittle fracturing point. Cold and Wet. A late May day that is cold and wet.
So what do you do on such a glorious sit on the couch and watch cartoons day. Why, you go fishing of course. I don't know how to fish from a bank, I'm not sure that I have the patience for it anymore, we drift, in a boat, in the MIDDLE of a river so all that good cold rain can fall not on the trees above you, but straight on your dumb ass that is stupid enough to be sitting in the middle of it, wearing shorts no less. That's right I wore shorts. I thought it would break, but who is the idiot now.
Today's yield wasn't one of the best that I've come across but that really isn't the point when it comes to fishing anyway. We caught a couple early on, and then just the cast and reel routine for much of the day. There was one point, while along the golf course, that made the whole day worth the trip. For about 20 seconds, just 20 seconds of a 2 and a half hour trip, excitement was abound in the Fiberglass Clackacraft. My dad cast to the port side and convincing himself that he was going in a tree, let out a soft swear word and released the bail. The lure no more than hit the water and craziness broke loose. What looked like a small log and grabbed the lure and was heading off down river. It was all I could do to reel my line in as quick as possible and stand up to get out of my dad's way. I was headed to the back to get the net ready when the line snapped. Line, swivel, lure, and tomorrow nights feast took off down the river. We stood in complete silence for a few seconds then went back to it.
Just 20 seconds made what could have been a terrible day in the rain worth the whole ordeal. We did even catch him, and he gave us something exciting to talk about. I did later catch 2 trout which by comparison are barely dinner, but you can eat them nonetheless.
So what do you do on such a glorious sit on the couch and watch cartoons day. Why, you go fishing of course. I don't know how to fish from a bank, I'm not sure that I have the patience for it anymore, we drift, in a boat, in the MIDDLE of a river so all that good cold rain can fall not on the trees above you, but straight on your dumb ass that is stupid enough to be sitting in the middle of it, wearing shorts no less. That's right I wore shorts. I thought it would break, but who is the idiot now.
Today's yield wasn't one of the best that I've come across but that really isn't the point when it comes to fishing anyway. We caught a couple early on, and then just the cast and reel routine for much of the day. There was one point, while along the golf course, that made the whole day worth the trip. For about 20 seconds, just 20 seconds of a 2 and a half hour trip, excitement was abound in the Fiberglass Clackacraft. My dad cast to the port side and convincing himself that he was going in a tree, let out a soft swear word and released the bail. The lure no more than hit the water and craziness broke loose. What looked like a small log and grabbed the lure and was heading off down river. It was all I could do to reel my line in as quick as possible and stand up to get out of my dad's way. I was headed to the back to get the net ready when the line snapped. Line, swivel, lure, and tomorrow nights feast took off down the river. We stood in complete silence for a few seconds then went back to it.
Just 20 seconds made what could have been a terrible day in the rain worth the whole ordeal. We did even catch him, and he gave us something exciting to talk about. I did later catch 2 trout which by comparison are barely dinner, but you can eat them nonetheless.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Morning Prayer
It's morning, early, and you are awake. It's a Tuesday and you really don't know why you have crawled out of bed at 5 am. You stumble into the kitchen and begin to brew a pot of coffee. The smell of the fresh grounds wake you a bit and the tell tale sound of an empty water tank draw you back to fill up your mug and that first big wiff of fresh coffee. Your head starts to clear and you remember why you are up so early.
Tuesday morning at 6, the men of Springfield Faith Center have started to gather to pray for each other, themselves, the church, but most of all, their families. There have been some amazing things going on over the last few weeks and the hand of God can clearly be seen every week.
Healings, provision, protection, you name it, things have been happening. These mornings are a struggle for me some times, but I know that it's more important to me that I'm there, and that it's important for my faith to see these things take place. I love being there and hearing all the things get prayed for, but more than that, I love to have my own prayers lifted up during a time that I set aside to spend with God.
We're going to continue to be there, and things are going to continue to happen. The hand of God is mighty and we only need to ask for his glory to take place.
Tuesday morning at 6, the men of Springfield Faith Center have started to gather to pray for each other, themselves, the church, but most of all, their families. There have been some amazing things going on over the last few weeks and the hand of God can clearly be seen every week.
Healings, provision, protection, you name it, things have been happening. These mornings are a struggle for me some times, but I know that it's more important to me that I'm there, and that it's important for my faith to see these things take place. I love being there and hearing all the things get prayed for, but more than that, I love to have my own prayers lifted up during a time that I set aside to spend with God.
We're going to continue to be there, and things are going to continue to happen. The hand of God is mighty and we only need to ask for his glory to take place.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Talking it Over
"Early in the morning talkin' it over, Me and God. Late at night talkin' it over, Me and God. We go together like two peas in a pod, me and God". This is a line from a country music song. Yes, I listen to country, and it really speaks to how I wish my relationship with God was. I have a really hard time talking to him because I'm not so sure he wants to hear what I've got going on.
Then I start to realize that He created me to have a relationship with ME. God wants nothing more than to hear every little detail about my life. Anything short of sin is prayer I've been told. Sure, he sees what I do every minute of every day, but I think that perhaps he wants to hear me say how I feel about some of these things.
Friday afternoon I had coffee with a friend of mine from church and one comment that he shared with me was, "Do I ever ask what God is doing in someone's life?" No, I never do that. It's such a simple thing that you never think to ask God what he is doing, instead of telling him what you need him to do. There is so much going on behind the scenes that you just can't imagine every little bit of it. God is infinite, and if he doesn't want to let me in on some tiny detail about what he's doing, that's quite all right with me, I probably wouldn't understand it anyway.
For now, I'm just going to be content with spending time with God, Talkin' it over. I like bouncing ideas off of people and there aren't a lot of people that will sit and listen to every tiny annoyance in my life and stick around. If she ever comes along then I'll marry her that minute.
Then I start to realize that He created me to have a relationship with ME. God wants nothing more than to hear every little detail about my life. Anything short of sin is prayer I've been told. Sure, he sees what I do every minute of every day, but I think that perhaps he wants to hear me say how I feel about some of these things.
Friday afternoon I had coffee with a friend of mine from church and one comment that he shared with me was, "Do I ever ask what God is doing in someone's life?" No, I never do that. It's such a simple thing that you never think to ask God what he is doing, instead of telling him what you need him to do. There is so much going on behind the scenes that you just can't imagine every little bit of it. God is infinite, and if he doesn't want to let me in on some tiny detail about what he's doing, that's quite all right with me, I probably wouldn't understand it anyway.
For now, I'm just going to be content with spending time with God, Talkin' it over. I like bouncing ideas off of people and there aren't a lot of people that will sit and listen to every tiny annoyance in my life and stick around. If she ever comes along then I'll marry her that minute.
Monday, April 19, 2010
San Diego
Little brothers have this tendency to not be little 10 years after you graduate high school. He's only 2 years younger than me so he's been out himself for 8. This past weekend he celebrated his 26Th birthday and in a flash of... something... my dad, Bruce, Mat and I decided to drive the 15 hours to Bass Pro Shop, and since we were down there, go visit Kevin for his birthday. It was a reasonable uneventful drive down and we sat in a little Mexican cantina to wait for him.
Several pitchers of Margarita later, Kevin finally got off work and came down to join us. Bruce, Mat, and I hung out in the bar while my dad and him got a table. One by one we walked out of the restaurant and joined them. Kevin was surprised and very excited that his family would make the trip. After dinner, we went back to his place where the exhausted went to sleep, and I took Kevin bowling with his roommate. Among some other dorky endeavors, we sang some karaoke, and by "we", I mean Kevin.
After bowling we weren't quite ready to head home so we went to an Irish Pub nearby and had a couple of pints to wind down the night. At midnight we realized it was Kevin's birthday and we decided we had to make a fool of him. We got a bunch of the bar to sing to him and the band that was playing gave him a request, which they weren't going to actually play because it was about a 10 minute song. Other's started buying him drinks, and after singing and laughing and generally making a scene, we went home.
Saturday started like most Saturday's around me, we went to breakfast, drank some coffee, and got out of the house. I like to hike around here, but down in San Diego we went to Balboa Park and walked around all the old buildings. It was pretty interesting, but not that exciting, so we decided to go surfing instead. I thought I would try and surf, which I did manage to get to my feet once, but after swallowing my body weight in salt water, I wasn't feeling so great. I managed to make it back to Kevin's apartment before I let the salt water make a return. After that little episode, I felt pretty good and was ready to eat again. We went to this little steak house that had really good fries and had burgers.
The night ended with a bonfire on some beach near Sea World. This is a firework display that happens every night and we got to see a little bit of it. They burnt wood until sometime around 1, but we travellers had to jump in the car to make the long trip home. We did finally pull into the driveway around 1 o'clock Sunday. We were only gone for all of about 62 hours and driving for over 30 of them. Next year, I'm going to fly down if it gets in my head to go visit.
Several pitchers of Margarita later, Kevin finally got off work and came down to join us. Bruce, Mat, and I hung out in the bar while my dad and him got a table. One by one we walked out of the restaurant and joined them. Kevin was surprised and very excited that his family would make the trip. After dinner, we went back to his place where the exhausted went to sleep, and I took Kevin bowling with his roommate. Among some other dorky endeavors, we sang some karaoke, and by "we", I mean Kevin.
After bowling we weren't quite ready to head home so we went to an Irish Pub nearby and had a couple of pints to wind down the night. At midnight we realized it was Kevin's birthday and we decided we had to make a fool of him. We got a bunch of the bar to sing to him and the band that was playing gave him a request, which they weren't going to actually play because it was about a 10 minute song. Other's started buying him drinks, and after singing and laughing and generally making a scene, we went home.
Saturday started like most Saturday's around me, we went to breakfast, drank some coffee, and got out of the house. I like to hike around here, but down in San Diego we went to Balboa Park and walked around all the old buildings. It was pretty interesting, but not that exciting, so we decided to go surfing instead. I thought I would try and surf, which I did manage to get to my feet once, but after swallowing my body weight in salt water, I wasn't feeling so great. I managed to make it back to Kevin's apartment before I let the salt water make a return. After that little episode, I felt pretty good and was ready to eat again. We went to this little steak house that had really good fries and had burgers.
The night ended with a bonfire on some beach near Sea World. This is a firework display that happens every night and we got to see a little bit of it. They burnt wood until sometime around 1, but we travellers had to jump in the car to make the long trip home. We did finally pull into the driveway around 1 o'clock Sunday. We were only gone for all of about 62 hours and driving for over 30 of them. Next year, I'm going to fly down if it gets in my head to go visit.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Rain
Tonight I went to small group and spent some time with a few brothers talking about how we connect with the Lord. I admit that I was lost for most of the conversation, but I did have a few insights and points that I thought were relevant that I was willing to share, but that's not what this is about. It's about the rain.
After we met, I sat on my bike talking with one of the brothers for a little while and the rain started to drum down softly on my head. I started to think about several things, first that I had to ride in it but second that the rain catches on the road and will attach to the tire and finally end up on my butt. Rain this time of year is still cold by the way.
Riding in the rain I was getting beyond soaked, but I didn't even care. It was dark and a bit cold and I couldn't see a thing. My glasses were starting to get covered in water and in the dark, I just couldn't see 20 feet in front of me, so I had to slow down and rely on the stream of cars coming by in order to see anything at all. Then it hit me, I need to slow down, we all need to slow down.
I've been running through life so fast lately that I don't realize that I can't see what's right in front of me some times. Those are times when I need to slow down and let my brothers come along side me and help me see what is right in front of me and I can't see it for myself. I'm in the process of realizing this when I got onto my road and almost home.
That's when the rain really picked up, kicked in, or however you want to say it, and I was getting drenched. I was hit by rain from above and below, and blasted in the face with the Holy Spirit. Riding along I started to laugh, and boy did I laugh. I almost wrecked, but I didn't care. I was loving God and realized that He was loving me. So bring on the Rain.
After we met, I sat on my bike talking with one of the brothers for a little while and the rain started to drum down softly on my head. I started to think about several things, first that I had to ride in it but second that the rain catches on the road and will attach to the tire and finally end up on my butt. Rain this time of year is still cold by the way.
Riding in the rain I was getting beyond soaked, but I didn't even care. It was dark and a bit cold and I couldn't see a thing. My glasses were starting to get covered in water and in the dark, I just couldn't see 20 feet in front of me, so I had to slow down and rely on the stream of cars coming by in order to see anything at all. Then it hit me, I need to slow down, we all need to slow down.
I've been running through life so fast lately that I don't realize that I can't see what's right in front of me some times. Those are times when I need to slow down and let my brothers come along side me and help me see what is right in front of me and I can't see it for myself. I'm in the process of realizing this when I got onto my road and almost home.
That's when the rain really picked up, kicked in, or however you want to say it, and I was getting drenched. I was hit by rain from above and below, and blasted in the face with the Holy Spirit. Riding along I started to laugh, and boy did I laugh. I almost wrecked, but I didn't care. I was loving God and realized that He was loving me. So bring on the Rain.
Monday, March 29, 2010
First Impressions
I stepped off the Amtrak in Spokane about 12:15 Saturday morning. I was exhausted and hadn't slept well for a few days leading into the trip so I was hoping to actually sleep on the train. That didn't happen. My friend met me at the station and took me back tot he Ronald McDonald house where he was staying with his wife and 4 year-old daughter who is fighting cancer. I don't know what I expected but I did not expect to see a small child with no hair that looked a little like an alien. I was tired and she was asleep so I didn't get to talk to her that night, and sleep was long in coming.
Waking up was a quick process of realizing how uncomfortable I actually was in the bed I was in and waking up. There was no bounding out of bed, I was after all very tired, but I dragged myself up and sat on the floor next to this smiling little girl that was really excited to see me. She gave me a hug and the picture of the frail little thing the night before was gone. Everyone was up by this time and Katelyn was watching some cartoons. I was suprised to see how happy she was, just don't mention shots, and how active she was.
My friends have to get back to their normal schedules now that it's Monday. For Brian that means going back to work, but for Jamie that is a trip back to Spokane and back into the hospital for a 4 year-old. She is responding to the treatments well and taking the process better than some adults could. Like all healings, this will take time and I know a little girl who will beat cancer.
Waking up was a quick process of realizing how uncomfortable I actually was in the bed I was in and waking up. There was no bounding out of bed, I was after all very tired, but I dragged myself up and sat on the floor next to this smiling little girl that was really excited to see me. She gave me a hug and the picture of the frail little thing the night before was gone. Everyone was up by this time and Katelyn was watching some cartoons. I was suprised to see how happy she was, just don't mention shots, and how active she was.
My friends have to get back to their normal schedules now that it's Monday. For Brian that means going back to work, but for Jamie that is a trip back to Spokane and back into the hospital for a 4 year-old. She is responding to the treatments well and taking the process better than some adults could. Like all healings, this will take time and I know a little girl who will beat cancer.
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