There are things in your life that you just don't want to do. Some of things you can't admit to, and even struggle with yourself to find another reality because the truth of it is just too much to bear. I've struggled with one of these lies for far too long and have recently decided that enough is enough. I'm not a convincing liar. I never really was, so the fact the I deluded myself for so long just proves to me that I might be more than a little crazy.
I've put words to it. I've admitted that I have a weakness and now am taking steps to rid myself of this issue. If you're only reading at this point to know what the issue is, I'm sorry, but I won't reveal it at this time. Maybe down the road when it isn't such a fresh wound will I take off the bandage and show people the scar of what has held me captive for so long.
That last line above just flowed quite clearly because I know that I'm not doing this alone. When you fall on your face and realize that you aren't as strong as you once thought yourself, you are not at your weakest. If anything, this is one of the true strengths of the human spirit. Only when we are weak are we truly strong enough to go before the one that is here to set captives free.
He waits. He calls softly and waits. It is up to you to realize that Jesus is always by your side and never leaves or forsakes you. Leave your pride at the door, because once you go to him, you will be broken.
I was spanked as a child... some people reading this are probably saying to themselves that this explains a lot, well it does. My dad never spanked my in his anger. I've been told again and again that I carry the same anger that he does and I have struggled at times to keep it in check. I have flown off the handle to a point that I've scared people that have known me for years, worse... I've scared myself. I've looked at someone in a blood rage and just wanted them to cower before me in the pain that I wanted to inflict upon them.
This same rage comes from somewhere... I guess from my dad. I've never seen him like this. So I know that if it had come out when I was being punished, he would easily have knocked me through a wall. Instead, he punished mostly to get our attention. In such a loving way, our Savior, Jesus, punishes us. He allows us to inflict it on ourselves, which is the worst punishment I can imagine. I'm always the worst to myself. You can't bring your ire against me the way that I can bring it against me.
I'm sheltered. I'm afraid. I'm not alone. I have the best support system in the universe. Ask me about his sometime. He might just surprise you at how well he already knows you and how much he already loves you.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Back Burns
The hillside outside of my house is black. Fires raged through this camp burning just about anything that was burnable a few weeks back and it left as much as a third of the camp a charred and black, sooty mess. Some of the camp wasn't burned as a result of the lightning storms, but because of back burns. This is about those fires.
I watched them start around 5 in the afternoon and they burned much into the evening. Some of which I watched from the back of a Polaris 700. An ATV that had so much power, I thought it would come alive and buck me off on a few occasions. I rode patrol up and back on the main road, checking and double checking the groups that were keeping a watch at the road to make sure the fire didn't jump to the main part of camp.
It seemed a waste to watch so much land burn without any reason why. They claim they needed to stop the fire somewhere and the road was the most readily available place to do that. These burns especially tore through areas that I was starting to explore a bit more freely.
What are my hikes going to look like in the months to come. Until the rains really start the grass can start to grow back, I'm going to be left trudging through a depressing landscape with little to mark the passage but burned out trees and tufts of dead grass. It doesn't look the same as before, but adventure, new adventures is what is the best part of hiking. Maybe something exciting will come from it. Only time will tell.
I watched them start around 5 in the afternoon and they burned much into the evening. Some of which I watched from the back of a Polaris 700. An ATV that had so much power, I thought it would come alive and buck me off on a few occasions. I rode patrol up and back on the main road, checking and double checking the groups that were keeping a watch at the road to make sure the fire didn't jump to the main part of camp.
It seemed a waste to watch so much land burn without any reason why. They claim they needed to stop the fire somewhere and the road was the most readily available place to do that. These burns especially tore through areas that I was starting to explore a bit more freely.
What are my hikes going to look like in the months to come. Until the rains really start the grass can start to grow back, I'm going to be left trudging through a depressing landscape with little to mark the passage but burned out trees and tufts of dead grass. It doesn't look the same as before, but adventure, new adventures is what is the best part of hiking. Maybe something exciting will come from it. Only time will tell.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Fire Crew
It was a normal Wednesday. As normal as you can find living in a Young Life camp in the middle of nowhere. One of the guys had family in camp and it was a pizza night, just like every Wednesday. We were sitting in the house, preparing for bible study when flashes of light started shooting out of the sky and landing all around us. The percussion of some of these blasts shook buildings, scared animals, and started fires.
As the camp was scrambling people to get them to fire lines, and protect the villages, Mark 2 was scrambling to fuel villages in case of an evacuation. Camp staff managed to control the nearest of the many fires around property and we never had to evacuate, but that didn't mean the danger to the camp was over.
That night I asked, begged, pleaded to go out on fire crews but was told that I needed to stay in camp in case we needed to drive to guys to a place of safety. I was frustrated watching vehicles drive up seldom used roads in and around camp. I guess my boss had a valid point, but I would rather have been out on lines.
With the end of the day Thursday, however, there became urgent need of more and more people to man the lines. I was officially on my weekend and I could do what I wanted, so I went to war. A paniced voice hollered out over the radio calling for every available body to man lines. I was ready and available and hadn't been out all the night before so I was fresh legs.
It turns out that your legs will carry you even when your body doesn't want them to. You can walk up and down hills fighting fire until you are about ready to drop from fatigue. Looking in to the eyes of guys that hadn't slept in almost two days, you could tell they would still willingly walk up another hill even if their body was screaming for rest. Several people were indeed sent home and more of the camp staff showed up for fire crews as the weekend approached. It was a new battle, they had fresh crews.
So up and down, through smoke, through fire, through burned out remains of forrest that I used to enjoy on my hikes, I walked. Much of the time carrying an extra 60 pounds of gear, but I never seemed to tire. Something was lending strength to not just me, but everyone. Looking back on it now, it's quite clear that much of what strength we didn't have to use was coming from God.
The terrain around camp is steep. The actual camp is the lowest spot on the property and it was rather easy to keep the fires from spreading into the camp proper, but that doesn't mean the lines didn't run up and down ridges surrounding the camp. I spent the better part of two days perched on a hill above what is called West Village. It's a mostly abandon part of camp that was in use recently for the contractors as they built the new Creekside camp.
On one side of the hill was a clear view of the houses, on the other was the smoking remains of a juniper forrest that was burned out and still trying to smolder back to life. I've dug myself knee deep in hot ash to save trees that it didn't matter if they burned or not, and many of them still did. As of right now, the fire on that ridge has not spread.
Unfortunately, with that victory, and a few others around camp, there is a large section in the southeast of camp that we can do nothing about right now. There are crews up fighting it as I type and the land is not friendly to the unexperienced hiker. I enjoy the tops of these hills that are burning now, but never the hike to them. Fires are clearly visible from my house, and the ridgelines were glowing last night with encroaching fire. I'm off the line today, as I had to go back to work, but that doesn't mean there aren't 50 other people up cutting lines in the earth to hold back the inferno.
As the camp was scrambling people to get them to fire lines, and protect the villages, Mark 2 was scrambling to fuel villages in case of an evacuation. Camp staff managed to control the nearest of the many fires around property and we never had to evacuate, but that didn't mean the danger to the camp was over.
That night I asked, begged, pleaded to go out on fire crews but was told that I needed to stay in camp in case we needed to drive to guys to a place of safety. I was frustrated watching vehicles drive up seldom used roads in and around camp. I guess my boss had a valid point, but I would rather have been out on lines.
With the end of the day Thursday, however, there became urgent need of more and more people to man the lines. I was officially on my weekend and I could do what I wanted, so I went to war. A paniced voice hollered out over the radio calling for every available body to man lines. I was ready and available and hadn't been out all the night before so I was fresh legs.
It turns out that your legs will carry you even when your body doesn't want them to. You can walk up and down hills fighting fire until you are about ready to drop from fatigue. Looking in to the eyes of guys that hadn't slept in almost two days, you could tell they would still willingly walk up another hill even if their body was screaming for rest. Several people were indeed sent home and more of the camp staff showed up for fire crews as the weekend approached. It was a new battle, they had fresh crews.
So up and down, through smoke, through fire, through burned out remains of forrest that I used to enjoy on my hikes, I walked. Much of the time carrying an extra 60 pounds of gear, but I never seemed to tire. Something was lending strength to not just me, but everyone. Looking back on it now, it's quite clear that much of what strength we didn't have to use was coming from God.
The terrain around camp is steep. The actual camp is the lowest spot on the property and it was rather easy to keep the fires from spreading into the camp proper, but that doesn't mean the lines didn't run up and down ridges surrounding the camp. I spent the better part of two days perched on a hill above what is called West Village. It's a mostly abandon part of camp that was in use recently for the contractors as they built the new Creekside camp.
On one side of the hill was a clear view of the houses, on the other was the smoking remains of a juniper forrest that was burned out and still trying to smolder back to life. I've dug myself knee deep in hot ash to save trees that it didn't matter if they burned or not, and many of them still did. As of right now, the fire on that ridge has not spread.
Unfortunately, with that victory, and a few others around camp, there is a large section in the southeast of camp that we can do nothing about right now. There are crews up fighting it as I type and the land is not friendly to the unexperienced hiker. I enjoy the tops of these hills that are burning now, but never the hike to them. Fires are clearly visible from my house, and the ridgelines were glowing last night with encroaching fire. I'm off the line today, as I had to go back to work, but that doesn't mean there aren't 50 other people up cutting lines in the earth to hold back the inferno.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Changing Events
Sometimes it seems like the world doesn't turn in my direction. It seems like I can't get ahead and the harder I try the worse things get for me. I struggle with friends, faith, relationships, family, any number of things, because I always need to control the way things are going. I'm sure all 3 of you who ever read this will agree that the tighter you hold on to something, the faster it slips away.
I've finally given up trying to hold on to things and look what happens, they start to fall in to place. The last few weeks have been a living hell. I'm not sleeping, it's hard to eat, my stomach/chest/head is constantly hurting, and I'm pretty sure that I had a panic attack last week. If I didn't know my body that well I would be more worried that it was a heart attack, but it was just chest pains caused by stress and becoming overwhelmed with my life.
Today while sitting by the pool over at Creekside, I had a good conversation with a friend of mine. We managed to talk for about a half hour and I had nothing bad to say about my life. It was then that I realized that I'm letting myself not worry about the day to day flow of events and just letting things happen. The universe doens't just run itself so it must be something else that is steering me around and through the squabbles of this crazy exhistance.
I'm glad to say for the first time, truly, since I've moved to Antelope, I am letting God steer my life. He was instrumental in my move to the property and many of the events in my life up to that point, but once I got into the roll I"m in now, I stepped on the brake and said that's far enough God, I'm driving, get in the passenger seat.
It only took getting scared. I don't scare easily and that's all it took. Just a few days and again I'm comfortable, I managed to sleep, and my body is actually acting like I'm young. I plan on being around for a few years yet, I believe I told a friend of mine a month ago I was going to make it to 96. I have a ways yet.
PS I have permission to use the photo from the owner. :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
August
It's coming down to the end of the summer and things are just going a bit crazy around me. With assignment teams for the camp coming and going, there is a constant stream of people moving in and out of my life. I feel like there is never really time to get to know any of them before they are gone, to further complicate things, my job change has moved me to the very edge of camp where I spend most of my days. I rarely venture as far as the main camp and almost never venture to the middle school camp, so my life has become a bit isolated.
I didn't realize how much until this morning. Wednesdays are my day to job coach for the guys in the morning. I supervise their work and make sure that they are on task and continue to work in a fashion that both helps them and the camp. An order came in to the Iron Kettle (dining hall) and we helped them put it away. It was a small order, and therefore didn't take much time, but the little time that I got to spend helping them out felt like a mini vacation from the cooking and cleaning that I do every other day of the week.
Backing up a little to the assignment teams, they aren't the only people that are fixing to leave. Here in the first part of September, there will be a number of staff people that leave property. The end of the summer is joined by the end of a job for kitchen and grounds staff, some of which I've become very good friends with, mainly because they have been here so much longer.
Looking forward a bit, once the summer ends, my job will change further. They guys will have an easier time of work and my day will almost exclusively be spent in the Mark 2 area of camp. I won't leave unless I have business elsewhere, but I won't really ever have business elsewhere. What will my isolation look like then?
I've made some new friends, and many of them will be here longer than I am, so I'm not too worried about my island. I will be isolated, but I have God. He's been enough help to get me here in the first place and will continue to provide me with the guidance that I need in the months to come. I need to focus on what he needs me to do and listen carefully to learn the things he is trying to teach me. After all, I will be on an island and will have plenty of time to hear.
I didn't realize how much until this morning. Wednesdays are my day to job coach for the guys in the morning. I supervise their work and make sure that they are on task and continue to work in a fashion that both helps them and the camp. An order came in to the Iron Kettle (dining hall) and we helped them put it away. It was a small order, and therefore didn't take much time, but the little time that I got to spend helping them out felt like a mini vacation from the cooking and cleaning that I do every other day of the week.
Backing up a little to the assignment teams, they aren't the only people that are fixing to leave. Here in the first part of September, there will be a number of staff people that leave property. The end of the summer is joined by the end of a job for kitchen and grounds staff, some of which I've become very good friends with, mainly because they have been here so much longer.
Looking forward a bit, once the summer ends, my job will change further. They guys will have an easier time of work and my day will almost exclusively be spent in the Mark 2 area of camp. I won't leave unless I have business elsewhere, but I won't really ever have business elsewhere. What will my isolation look like then?
I've made some new friends, and many of them will be here longer than I am, so I'm not too worried about my island. I will be isolated, but I have God. He's been enough help to get me here in the first place and will continue to provide me with the guidance that I need in the months to come. I need to focus on what he needs me to do and listen carefully to learn the things he is trying to teach me. After all, I will be on an island and will have plenty of time to hear.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A Quarter or two for $15
Part of my job is just way too interesting to explain, so you would have to experience it for yourself to really get the scope of what I get to take part in every day. The men that I work with have limited understanding of this life and part of my job is going to them, understanding the world the way that they do and finding a way for them to exist in a world that takes advantage of their limited world view.
I had an excellent opportunity to learn about one of my guys the other day. It has come to my attention, that Alex, a man of 21 years, can't count, has no concept of what money is worth and further, doesn't know what the symbols on the bills mean exactly.
A little bit of a back story here. I'm basically the den mother in the guys house these days. I cook and clean, pick up after them, help them with their individual chores, and basically get them through each day while trying to teach them to be more self reliant than they were in the first place. Getting them to pick up after themselves has been one of the biggest chores for me. I spend a lot of time moving shoes and clothes out of the way, so finally I came up with a simple solution. Any clothing or shoes that are not put away properly become the property of the house, and they can buy them back for a quarter.
The other day, Alex left his shoes in the middle of the walkway, and not only are they a hazard to him, he has Cerebral Palsy, they are in the way of the other guys and therefore become property of the house. I don't go out of my way to take their things from them. The rule has been in effect for 3 weeks now and I've only collected about $2. He learned quickly to put his shoes away when he takes them off, but on this instance, he did not.
I took them and he could buy them back for 50 cents. I told him as much and he complained about not being able to go to the movie with the other guys because we were going to have all his money. This did not make sense to me and Joe looked as confused as I felt. Joe has taken over as the job coach for the guys when I moved to the daily living duties. My failure was thinking that Alex understood how much money he had and that the fine was not going to break his bank. He grumbled and stumbled upstairs and we could hear him fumbling around for a minute. He stomped down the stairs and walking into the kitchen to hand me his money.
I want to draw your attention to a previous paragraph. Remember how Alex can't read, now look at the title of this blog. By this point you probably have figured out that he handed me a $10 and a $5, thinking that this was the cost of getting his shoes back. It then made sense why he thought he was not going to have the money for the movie (we pay for that for him) and helped me realize that they think in a different fashion than I do.
Instead of taking the offered $15, I went upstairs with Alex and showed him what we meant by 50 cents, and it was a simple matter of quarters being the "silver" coins. Now I have to watch out for dimes and nickels being replaced with quarters as he doesn't know the difference, but at least I can see one thing that he thinks differently on. I need to simplify a lot of my thinking to connect with him, but at least I have a starting point.
I had an excellent opportunity to learn about one of my guys the other day. It has come to my attention, that Alex, a man of 21 years, can't count, has no concept of what money is worth and further, doesn't know what the symbols on the bills mean exactly.
A little bit of a back story here. I'm basically the den mother in the guys house these days. I cook and clean, pick up after them, help them with their individual chores, and basically get them through each day while trying to teach them to be more self reliant than they were in the first place. Getting them to pick up after themselves has been one of the biggest chores for me. I spend a lot of time moving shoes and clothes out of the way, so finally I came up with a simple solution. Any clothing or shoes that are not put away properly become the property of the house, and they can buy them back for a quarter.
The other day, Alex left his shoes in the middle of the walkway, and not only are they a hazard to him, he has Cerebral Palsy, they are in the way of the other guys and therefore become property of the house. I don't go out of my way to take their things from them. The rule has been in effect for 3 weeks now and I've only collected about $2. He learned quickly to put his shoes away when he takes them off, but on this instance, he did not.
I took them and he could buy them back for 50 cents. I told him as much and he complained about not being able to go to the movie with the other guys because we were going to have all his money. This did not make sense to me and Joe looked as confused as I felt. Joe has taken over as the job coach for the guys when I moved to the daily living duties. My failure was thinking that Alex understood how much money he had and that the fine was not going to break his bank. He grumbled and stumbled upstairs and we could hear him fumbling around for a minute. He stomped down the stairs and walking into the kitchen to hand me his money.
I want to draw your attention to a previous paragraph. Remember how Alex can't read, now look at the title of this blog. By this point you probably have figured out that he handed me a $10 and a $5, thinking that this was the cost of getting his shoes back. It then made sense why he thought he was not going to have the money for the movie (we pay for that for him) and helped me realize that they think in a different fashion than I do.
Instead of taking the offered $15, I went upstairs with Alex and showed him what we meant by 50 cents, and it was a simple matter of quarters being the "silver" coins. Now I have to watch out for dimes and nickels being replaced with quarters as he doesn't know the difference, but at least I can see one thing that he thinks differently on. I need to simplify a lot of my thinking to connect with him, but at least I have a starting point.
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