Identity

I sent an email the other day to a man that I met at church. It was a new church to me but for some reason I felt like the person who was welcoming him to the church. He was a front row Joe, which leads me to believe that he's heavily involved in the church, even sitting up front with his 7 year old son. I had confidence in my position because I was surrounded by my ministry and was who I am when I am at work with the guys. One question that I asked him was "What do you do?".

More than just asking him what he did for work, I was asking him what kinds of things he liked to do. Who he is, what Makes him, him? The question went down to the board and I was glad to see it there, making sense to me. It was a question that I was glad to ask and was genuinely interested in what the answers were. I was asking for his identity.

When I used to think of my identity, I didn't think much past my name and maybe where I lived. That's all that made up me. Asking the same question now, I get a sense of how much the question 'who are You' really means. Turning it around, I have begun to ask myself who am I.

I've been struggling to find the answer to this question because once I realize who I am, my behavior changes because I will act out my 'self-understood' identity. I steal this quote from Kris Vallotton. I wish to know who I am. What I stand for. I am so tired of having little to no idea of how I will respond to some situations and scared of how I have reacted at times to other situations that occur to me. My current job presents me with every kind of situation that you never imagined might be a problem.

I need to stop distracting myself with this world and start listening to hear the words that God is speaking to me. I need to hear the name that he calls me and accept who he sees me as. There isn't much that I won't do to keep from pursuing God. My pride needs to die so that I can feel God's presence. I wish my heart to break so that I can truly live the life that God has for me.

2012

Another year has come and gone and new hope and supposed wisdom was blessed upon me at the conclusion of 2011. Right? No!! Not exactly anyway. My cliche start here leads me to some not too cliche reminiscence for the year in review.

2011 was just another year to me. It's a step in the direction that takes me, where? I accomplished some new things in the year and didn't get to do some of the old things that I had set out to do. I've found myself a job and have worked/lived in the same place for nearly 10 months now. That is the longest since leaving Portland in 2007. I've learned a fair bit about myself and also learned what I cannot do. Those admittances have been harder to take than most anything else of the year.

No one likes to see their self as weak and it's been hard admission for me in this past year. The place I work, the people that I've met, and the relationships that I've been a part of have placed a big ole' spotlight on my faults, ouch!! I would normally boast about how I'm going to turn it around in the coming year, but I just don't have the energy to do everything that I would desire to do for 2012. I don't like being weak, but in a few things, I very much am.

So how do I move forward with just a little bit of hope... I don't know, but I move forward. I expect that God will move me in the right direction as he did for much of 2011. I just hope I'm not blind to his prompting. I just need to continue to move in a direction and trust that God will stir within me the desire to follow a path that is in his will for me.

2012, take it easy on me and if you must kick me in the teeth, forgive me for kicking back.