I know this has been beat to death by Pastors and Priest alike over the last 2000 years but I haven't had my stab at trying to inspire someone so here it goes.
I have recently picked up the book "The Robe" for about the 5th time in as many years. It was recommended to me by my grandfather back when I was in college and really struggling to believe in... well, anything, let alone Christ. He told me it would give me a different perspective on what it meant to be Christian, but not just as a title, but as a person. This of course meant nothing to me and the pages went by with little impact on my life.
The book is centered around a young Tribune named Marcellus in Rome around the beginning of the common era. Without giving away too many of the details, the main character comes into contact with this revolutionary by the name of Jesus. Marcellus being of high integrity, and for a Roman, good moral fiber, recognizes the strength in this "criminal" and seeks to find more about him.
As I've read the book before, it's a tale about a guy finding out stuff about another guy and decides to believe in his teachings and become his follower, yadda yadda yadda.
This time is somehow different. Not only have I been reading it as a story, but a semi-historical account of someone who was actually in and around Jerusalem and Galilee at the time Christ was crucified. He himself witnessed the crucifixion, but not the resurrection. Hearing accounts of this man Jesus, he discovers that he is risen and finally believes.
I cannot help but rewind one fact over and over in my head. He is interviewing witnesses who knew Jesus. How easy would it be to look into the eyes of Peter or Thomas, hear their empassioned testimony, maybe a few anecdotes, and believe? Truly believe.
Look back at my first sentance for a second... Pastors and Priests for 2000 years... Jesus met with how many after the resurrection. They told their friends, they told their friends and somewhere down the line, someone told me. I'm hearing the same story that someone who legged it around the Sea of Galilee with the Good Teacher told his friend. Somewhere it would have been disproven long before now if it weren't totally and absolutely true, so why do I doubt.
I think that we are allowed to doubt, because without doubt, how could we have faith.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Little Conquests
It's been a battle to keep my head above water some days and I was really having a tough time with some things last week when I saw something completely random that got my mind to wandering. My church is on a busy road that runs east-west through Springfield and into Eugene, along it there are 4 different school zones, so naturally the amount of kid traffic on the road is... entertaining at times.
I was driving to church the other morning and there were 3 kids sitting at Page Elementary School. This isn't at all strange, in fact there was nothing strange about what they were doing at all. They were just sitting there, on top of the newspaper recycle box.
First glance, they were out of the ordinary, just sitting, but I looked again and noticed that they were all very young, about 5 or 6. They had bikes strewn around the bottom of the box, which stood about a foot taller than the tallest of them, and they were sitting on top, just talking. What an accomplishment that had to have been for all of them to be on top. They had to climb, no, they had to conquer that box, and they did.
I began to remember some of the many things that I had to conquer in my youth. I still remember the sense of achievement that went with each one of them, but think about what it was that my friends and I did, and it's not impressive in the least. Spelunking in the storm drains near Costco, climbing a hill that is all of 10 feet high, swinging on a rope out over my grandpa's pond and not getting wet, they don't strike me now as any major undertaking, but then, I was Sir Edmond Hilary, Neil Armstrong, and Marco Polo all rolled into one.
Fast forward to me still sitting in my car out in front of my church. I couldn't remember the last time that I felt accomplished the way a simple thing in my youth could bring out the inner explorer within me. I decided that I need to discover something new, explore the unknown. I need to conquer something again.
I was driving to church the other morning and there were 3 kids sitting at Page Elementary School. This isn't at all strange, in fact there was nothing strange about what they were doing at all. They were just sitting there, on top of the newspaper recycle box.
First glance, they were out of the ordinary, just sitting, but I looked again and noticed that they were all very young, about 5 or 6. They had bikes strewn around the bottom of the box, which stood about a foot taller than the tallest of them, and they were sitting on top, just talking. What an accomplishment that had to have been for all of them to be on top. They had to climb, no, they had to conquer that box, and they did.
I began to remember some of the many things that I had to conquer in my youth. I still remember the sense of achievement that went with each one of them, but think about what it was that my friends and I did, and it's not impressive in the least. Spelunking in the storm drains near Costco, climbing a hill that is all of 10 feet high, swinging on a rope out over my grandpa's pond and not getting wet, they don't strike me now as any major undertaking, but then, I was Sir Edmond Hilary, Neil Armstrong, and Marco Polo all rolled into one.
Fast forward to me still sitting in my car out in front of my church. I couldn't remember the last time that I felt accomplished the way a simple thing in my youth could bring out the inner explorer within me. I decided that I need to discover something new, explore the unknown. I need to conquer something again.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
When the Past Bites You!
I've been worse. I've been better too, but for sure I have been far worse. I hit bottom a few years ago and have been crawling back ever since. I've sweat, bled, and strained half the muscles in my body to get back to where I am today. My body aches most days, I have to drag myself out of bed many times, but for the most part I feel ok with where I have gotten to.
Today I was cleaning out my email and I came across some gems. A few funny ones from my brother, including a Christmas List and a fruitcake recipe, some old friends sent things that said they needed cheering up, and one that caught me so off guard it was like being hit in the face with a bat.
I'm still working on becoming a screaming optimist, that hasn't changed, but reliving the email that once brought me to tears, just did the same thing to me again. All the anguish that I went through that day came back to me and I didn't imagine that I could feel some of the things that I went through.
Today I was cleaning out my email and I came across some gems. A few funny ones from my brother, including a Christmas List and a fruitcake recipe, some old friends sent things that said they needed cheering up, and one that caught me so off guard it was like being hit in the face with a bat.
I'm still working on becoming a screaming optimist, that hasn't changed, but reliving the email that once brought me to tears, just did the same thing to me again. All the anguish that I went through that day came back to me and I didn't imagine that I could feel some of the things that I went through.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Fishing in the Rain
For some reason this morning was cold. By cold, I don't mean a brisk early summer chill that you need a light coat on, it was frigid. The kind of day that I zip up the Mountain Hardwear and make sure I have a stocking cap handy. To add to the lovely temperature, it rained. Not just a little here and there, but the kind of rain that you expect in late October when the only ones crazy enough to be outside are inside Autzen Stadium with 50,000 of their closest friends. Rain that soaks through layers, to get to other layers to soak through so it can chill your bones to the brittle fracturing point. Cold and Wet. A late May day that is cold and wet.
So what do you do on such a glorious sit on the couch and watch cartoons day. Why, you go fishing of course. I don't know how to fish from a bank, I'm not sure that I have the patience for it anymore, we drift, in a boat, in the MIDDLE of a river so all that good cold rain can fall not on the trees above you, but straight on your dumb ass that is stupid enough to be sitting in the middle of it, wearing shorts no less. That's right I wore shorts. I thought it would break, but who is the idiot now.
Today's yield wasn't one of the best that I've come across but that really isn't the point when it comes to fishing anyway. We caught a couple early on, and then just the cast and reel routine for much of the day. There was one point, while along the golf course, that made the whole day worth the trip. For about 20 seconds, just 20 seconds of a 2 and a half hour trip, excitement was abound in the Fiberglass Clackacraft. My dad cast to the port side and convincing himself that he was going in a tree, let out a soft swear word and released the bail. The lure no more than hit the water and craziness broke loose. What looked like a small log and grabbed the lure and was heading off down river. It was all I could do to reel my line in as quick as possible and stand up to get out of my dad's way. I was headed to the back to get the net ready when the line snapped. Line, swivel, lure, and tomorrow nights feast took off down the river. We stood in complete silence for a few seconds then went back to it.
Just 20 seconds made what could have been a terrible day in the rain worth the whole ordeal. We did even catch him, and he gave us something exciting to talk about. I did later catch 2 trout which by comparison are barely dinner, but you can eat them nonetheless.
So what do you do on such a glorious sit on the couch and watch cartoons day. Why, you go fishing of course. I don't know how to fish from a bank, I'm not sure that I have the patience for it anymore, we drift, in a boat, in the MIDDLE of a river so all that good cold rain can fall not on the trees above you, but straight on your dumb ass that is stupid enough to be sitting in the middle of it, wearing shorts no less. That's right I wore shorts. I thought it would break, but who is the idiot now.
Today's yield wasn't one of the best that I've come across but that really isn't the point when it comes to fishing anyway. We caught a couple early on, and then just the cast and reel routine for much of the day. There was one point, while along the golf course, that made the whole day worth the trip. For about 20 seconds, just 20 seconds of a 2 and a half hour trip, excitement was abound in the Fiberglass Clackacraft. My dad cast to the port side and convincing himself that he was going in a tree, let out a soft swear word and released the bail. The lure no more than hit the water and craziness broke loose. What looked like a small log and grabbed the lure and was heading off down river. It was all I could do to reel my line in as quick as possible and stand up to get out of my dad's way. I was headed to the back to get the net ready when the line snapped. Line, swivel, lure, and tomorrow nights feast took off down the river. We stood in complete silence for a few seconds then went back to it.
Just 20 seconds made what could have been a terrible day in the rain worth the whole ordeal. We did even catch him, and he gave us something exciting to talk about. I did later catch 2 trout which by comparison are barely dinner, but you can eat them nonetheless.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Morning Prayer
It's morning, early, and you are awake. It's a Tuesday and you really don't know why you have crawled out of bed at 5 am. You stumble into the kitchen and begin to brew a pot of coffee. The smell of the fresh grounds wake you a bit and the tell tale sound of an empty water tank draw you back to fill up your mug and that first big wiff of fresh coffee. Your head starts to clear and you remember why you are up so early.
Tuesday morning at 6, the men of Springfield Faith Center have started to gather to pray for each other, themselves, the church, but most of all, their families. There have been some amazing things going on over the last few weeks and the hand of God can clearly be seen every week.
Healings, provision, protection, you name it, things have been happening. These mornings are a struggle for me some times, but I know that it's more important to me that I'm there, and that it's important for my faith to see these things take place. I love being there and hearing all the things get prayed for, but more than that, I love to have my own prayers lifted up during a time that I set aside to spend with God.
We're going to continue to be there, and things are going to continue to happen. The hand of God is mighty and we only need to ask for his glory to take place.
Tuesday morning at 6, the men of Springfield Faith Center have started to gather to pray for each other, themselves, the church, but most of all, their families. There have been some amazing things going on over the last few weeks and the hand of God can clearly be seen every week.
Healings, provision, protection, you name it, things have been happening. These mornings are a struggle for me some times, but I know that it's more important to me that I'm there, and that it's important for my faith to see these things take place. I love being there and hearing all the things get prayed for, but more than that, I love to have my own prayers lifted up during a time that I set aside to spend with God.
We're going to continue to be there, and things are going to continue to happen. The hand of God is mighty and we only need to ask for his glory to take place.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Talking it Over
"Early in the morning talkin' it over, Me and God. Late at night talkin' it over, Me and God. We go together like two peas in a pod, me and God". This is a line from a country music song. Yes, I listen to country, and it really speaks to how I wish my relationship with God was. I have a really hard time talking to him because I'm not so sure he wants to hear what I've got going on.
Then I start to realize that He created me to have a relationship with ME. God wants nothing more than to hear every little detail about my life. Anything short of sin is prayer I've been told. Sure, he sees what I do every minute of every day, but I think that perhaps he wants to hear me say how I feel about some of these things.
Friday afternoon I had coffee with a friend of mine from church and one comment that he shared with me was, "Do I ever ask what God is doing in someone's life?" No, I never do that. It's such a simple thing that you never think to ask God what he is doing, instead of telling him what you need him to do. There is so much going on behind the scenes that you just can't imagine every little bit of it. God is infinite, and if he doesn't want to let me in on some tiny detail about what he's doing, that's quite all right with me, I probably wouldn't understand it anyway.
For now, I'm just going to be content with spending time with God, Talkin' it over. I like bouncing ideas off of people and there aren't a lot of people that will sit and listen to every tiny annoyance in my life and stick around. If she ever comes along then I'll marry her that minute.
Then I start to realize that He created me to have a relationship with ME. God wants nothing more than to hear every little detail about my life. Anything short of sin is prayer I've been told. Sure, he sees what I do every minute of every day, but I think that perhaps he wants to hear me say how I feel about some of these things.
Friday afternoon I had coffee with a friend of mine from church and one comment that he shared with me was, "Do I ever ask what God is doing in someone's life?" No, I never do that. It's such a simple thing that you never think to ask God what he is doing, instead of telling him what you need him to do. There is so much going on behind the scenes that you just can't imagine every little bit of it. God is infinite, and if he doesn't want to let me in on some tiny detail about what he's doing, that's quite all right with me, I probably wouldn't understand it anyway.
For now, I'm just going to be content with spending time with God, Talkin' it over. I like bouncing ideas off of people and there aren't a lot of people that will sit and listen to every tiny annoyance in my life and stick around. If she ever comes along then I'll marry her that minute.
Monday, April 19, 2010
San Diego
Little brothers have this tendency to not be little 10 years after you graduate high school. He's only 2 years younger than me so he's been out himself for 8. This past weekend he celebrated his 26Th birthday and in a flash of... something... my dad, Bruce, Mat and I decided to drive the 15 hours to Bass Pro Shop, and since we were down there, go visit Kevin for his birthday. It was a reasonable uneventful drive down and we sat in a little Mexican cantina to wait for him.
Several pitchers of Margarita later, Kevin finally got off work and came down to join us. Bruce, Mat, and I hung out in the bar while my dad and him got a table. One by one we walked out of the restaurant and joined them. Kevin was surprised and very excited that his family would make the trip. After dinner, we went back to his place where the exhausted went to sleep, and I took Kevin bowling with his roommate. Among some other dorky endeavors, we sang some karaoke, and by "we", I mean Kevin.
After bowling we weren't quite ready to head home so we went to an Irish Pub nearby and had a couple of pints to wind down the night. At midnight we realized it was Kevin's birthday and we decided we had to make a fool of him. We got a bunch of the bar to sing to him and the band that was playing gave him a request, which they weren't going to actually play because it was about a 10 minute song. Other's started buying him drinks, and after singing and laughing and generally making a scene, we went home.
Saturday started like most Saturday's around me, we went to breakfast, drank some coffee, and got out of the house. I like to hike around here, but down in San Diego we went to Balboa Park and walked around all the old buildings. It was pretty interesting, but not that exciting, so we decided to go surfing instead. I thought I would try and surf, which I did manage to get to my feet once, but after swallowing my body weight in salt water, I wasn't feeling so great. I managed to make it back to Kevin's apartment before I let the salt water make a return. After that little episode, I felt pretty good and was ready to eat again. We went to this little steak house that had really good fries and had burgers.
The night ended with a bonfire on some beach near Sea World. This is a firework display that happens every night and we got to see a little bit of it. They burnt wood until sometime around 1, but we travellers had to jump in the car to make the long trip home. We did finally pull into the driveway around 1 o'clock Sunday. We were only gone for all of about 62 hours and driving for over 30 of them. Next year, I'm going to fly down if it gets in my head to go visit.
Several pitchers of Margarita later, Kevin finally got off work and came down to join us. Bruce, Mat, and I hung out in the bar while my dad and him got a table. One by one we walked out of the restaurant and joined them. Kevin was surprised and very excited that his family would make the trip. After dinner, we went back to his place where the exhausted went to sleep, and I took Kevin bowling with his roommate. Among some other dorky endeavors, we sang some karaoke, and by "we", I mean Kevin.
After bowling we weren't quite ready to head home so we went to an Irish Pub nearby and had a couple of pints to wind down the night. At midnight we realized it was Kevin's birthday and we decided we had to make a fool of him. We got a bunch of the bar to sing to him and the band that was playing gave him a request, which they weren't going to actually play because it was about a 10 minute song. Other's started buying him drinks, and after singing and laughing and generally making a scene, we went home.
Saturday started like most Saturday's around me, we went to breakfast, drank some coffee, and got out of the house. I like to hike around here, but down in San Diego we went to Balboa Park and walked around all the old buildings. It was pretty interesting, but not that exciting, so we decided to go surfing instead. I thought I would try and surf, which I did manage to get to my feet once, but after swallowing my body weight in salt water, I wasn't feeling so great. I managed to make it back to Kevin's apartment before I let the salt water make a return. After that little episode, I felt pretty good and was ready to eat again. We went to this little steak house that had really good fries and had burgers.
The night ended with a bonfire on some beach near Sea World. This is a firework display that happens every night and we got to see a little bit of it. They burnt wood until sometime around 1, but we travellers had to jump in the car to make the long trip home. We did finally pull into the driveway around 1 o'clock Sunday. We were only gone for all of about 62 hours and driving for over 30 of them. Next year, I'm going to fly down if it gets in my head to go visit.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Rain
Tonight I went to small group and spent some time with a few brothers talking about how we connect with the Lord. I admit that I was lost for most of the conversation, but I did have a few insights and points that I thought were relevant that I was willing to share, but that's not what this is about. It's about the rain.
After we met, I sat on my bike talking with one of the brothers for a little while and the rain started to drum down softly on my head. I started to think about several things, first that I had to ride in it but second that the rain catches on the road and will attach to the tire and finally end up on my butt. Rain this time of year is still cold by the way.
Riding in the rain I was getting beyond soaked, but I didn't even care. It was dark and a bit cold and I couldn't see a thing. My glasses were starting to get covered in water and in the dark, I just couldn't see 20 feet in front of me, so I had to slow down and rely on the stream of cars coming by in order to see anything at all. Then it hit me, I need to slow down, we all need to slow down.
I've been running through life so fast lately that I don't realize that I can't see what's right in front of me some times. Those are times when I need to slow down and let my brothers come along side me and help me see what is right in front of me and I can't see it for myself. I'm in the process of realizing this when I got onto my road and almost home.
That's when the rain really picked up, kicked in, or however you want to say it, and I was getting drenched. I was hit by rain from above and below, and blasted in the face with the Holy Spirit. Riding along I started to laugh, and boy did I laugh. I almost wrecked, but I didn't care. I was loving God and realized that He was loving me. So bring on the Rain.
After we met, I sat on my bike talking with one of the brothers for a little while and the rain started to drum down softly on my head. I started to think about several things, first that I had to ride in it but second that the rain catches on the road and will attach to the tire and finally end up on my butt. Rain this time of year is still cold by the way.
Riding in the rain I was getting beyond soaked, but I didn't even care. It was dark and a bit cold and I couldn't see a thing. My glasses were starting to get covered in water and in the dark, I just couldn't see 20 feet in front of me, so I had to slow down and rely on the stream of cars coming by in order to see anything at all. Then it hit me, I need to slow down, we all need to slow down.
I've been running through life so fast lately that I don't realize that I can't see what's right in front of me some times. Those are times when I need to slow down and let my brothers come along side me and help me see what is right in front of me and I can't see it for myself. I'm in the process of realizing this when I got onto my road and almost home.
That's when the rain really picked up, kicked in, or however you want to say it, and I was getting drenched. I was hit by rain from above and below, and blasted in the face with the Holy Spirit. Riding along I started to laugh, and boy did I laugh. I almost wrecked, but I didn't care. I was loving God and realized that He was loving me. So bring on the Rain.
Monday, March 29, 2010
First Impressions
I stepped off the Amtrak in Spokane about 12:15 Saturday morning. I was exhausted and hadn't slept well for a few days leading into the trip so I was hoping to actually sleep on the train. That didn't happen. My friend met me at the station and took me back tot he Ronald McDonald house where he was staying with his wife and 4 year-old daughter who is fighting cancer. I don't know what I expected but I did not expect to see a small child with no hair that looked a little like an alien. I was tired and she was asleep so I didn't get to talk to her that night, and sleep was long in coming.
Waking up was a quick process of realizing how uncomfortable I actually was in the bed I was in and waking up. There was no bounding out of bed, I was after all very tired, but I dragged myself up and sat on the floor next to this smiling little girl that was really excited to see me. She gave me a hug and the picture of the frail little thing the night before was gone. Everyone was up by this time and Katelyn was watching some cartoons. I was suprised to see how happy she was, just don't mention shots, and how active she was.
My friends have to get back to their normal schedules now that it's Monday. For Brian that means going back to work, but for Jamie that is a trip back to Spokane and back into the hospital for a 4 year-old. She is responding to the treatments well and taking the process better than some adults could. Like all healings, this will take time and I know a little girl who will beat cancer.
Waking up was a quick process of realizing how uncomfortable I actually was in the bed I was in and waking up. There was no bounding out of bed, I was after all very tired, but I dragged myself up and sat on the floor next to this smiling little girl that was really excited to see me. She gave me a hug and the picture of the frail little thing the night before was gone. Everyone was up by this time and Katelyn was watching some cartoons. I was suprised to see how happy she was, just don't mention shots, and how active she was.
My friends have to get back to their normal schedules now that it's Monday. For Brian that means going back to work, but for Jamie that is a trip back to Spokane and back into the hospital for a 4 year-old. She is responding to the treatments well and taking the process better than some adults could. Like all healings, this will take time and I know a little girl who will beat cancer.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A Stubborn Loss
I don't speak much to my little brother. For a long time he has had it in his mind that relying on anyone for anything is a sure sign of weakness and he doesn't need any of that. Unfortunately for him, this self-reliance extends to God. He doesn't think that he needs him, and nothing that I can say to him will make him change his mind.
To expand this a little bit, I should tell a little bit about the relationship that my little brother and I have. He's now 25, 26 in a month, and I think in all that time we've only really got along well for a month. That's one month out of the 284 months that we've actually had a good relationship. I would like to think that there was a good reason for this, but the unfortunate truth of it is, I have no idea why. Growing up he would push buttons to get a rise from me. I would hurt him in all ways that I could and he would just go running to mom and dad for rescue, and in the event that they weren't available, call grandma. This continued pretty much until I went to college.
During college we lived 3000 miles apart and when I graduated he was still in Hawaii, a long ways away. There seemed to be enough distance at that point for him to forget that he didn't like me, or me him. He would visit at holidays and there would be one or two days that we actually got along before I remembered why he got on my nerves so much. Our personalities just don't work well.
One of the hardest things that I've had to do for my little brother recently is forgive him for driving me crazy, and I do. Don't let the above misdirect you. I didn't put it down because I'm bitter, just to give readers an idea of the continuing conflict that has gone on for years and years. I love the kid, even when we argue.
Last night I think I finally got a point in a conversation that can be a seed for the great things that God has for him. While talking he more or less said that he didn't need to rely on God. Without telling him how misguided he is (he won't ever read this) I managed to show him how poorly my life was going without God. He didn't want to hear any of it and quickly stopped talking, but my point was made. I hope he realizes that there are people out there that he can rely upon and he doesn't need to live this life alone.
To expand this a little bit, I should tell a little bit about the relationship that my little brother and I have. He's now 25, 26 in a month, and I think in all that time we've only really got along well for a month. That's one month out of the 284 months that we've actually had a good relationship. I would like to think that there was a good reason for this, but the unfortunate truth of it is, I have no idea why. Growing up he would push buttons to get a rise from me. I would hurt him in all ways that I could and he would just go running to mom and dad for rescue, and in the event that they weren't available, call grandma. This continued pretty much until I went to college.
During college we lived 3000 miles apart and when I graduated he was still in Hawaii, a long ways away. There seemed to be enough distance at that point for him to forget that he didn't like me, or me him. He would visit at holidays and there would be one or two days that we actually got along before I remembered why he got on my nerves so much. Our personalities just don't work well.
One of the hardest things that I've had to do for my little brother recently is forgive him for driving me crazy, and I do. Don't let the above misdirect you. I didn't put it down because I'm bitter, just to give readers an idea of the continuing conflict that has gone on for years and years. I love the kid, even when we argue.
Last night I think I finally got a point in a conversation that can be a seed for the great things that God has for him. While talking he more or less said that he didn't need to rely on God. Without telling him how misguided he is (he won't ever read this) I managed to show him how poorly my life was going without God. He didn't want to hear any of it and quickly stopped talking, but my point was made. I hope he realizes that there are people out there that he can rely upon and he doesn't need to live this life alone.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Jesse on Anguish
This past weekend I had the blessing of spending time with the Men's Leadership of Springfield Faith Center. I have been running around with that crowd for a bit over a year now and I don't understand always why they keep me around. I struggle, a lot. I never quite know what I'm hearing from God and my faith is tested on a daily basis. After chatting with one of the elders from the church that happened to be on the retreat, I still was struggling to identify why I was there in the first place. If you're waiting for me to say I had some great Revelation and now speak to God constantly, that's not what this is about. This is about one part of one of the sessions that hit me in the face like a Hollyfield uppercut.
David Wilkerson is a pastor in New York city that after 50 years of preaching God's word, now pastors to pastors, encouraging them to renew the passion for Christ. He started by preaching to inner city gangs and has led many of them to the Lord. In a message about anguish, his heart broke. Christ experienced true anguish on the cross. At one moment he raises his eyes to heaven and cries out, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I've heard this described to me as the moment when the weight of all the sin of all of man for ALL TIME was set on his shoulders. Think about all the hurts in your own life that weigh upon you so heavy, of all the things that you've heard even the most spiritually attuned men and women do in their own life. Take all those and roll them into a ball and set them on the shoulders of one person. Do you think he felt anguish?
In Pastor Wilkerson's message, through tears and obvious turmoil he shouts into the microphone about the lax attitude that has fallen on so many of the so called faithful in this day and age. I live with a family that many of them have turned away from God. They will claim to pray, and they might yet, but I don't see in their own lives the connection with God that I see from some of the common people standing in line at the Homeless shelter. In their comfort, my family has forgotten to worship the one that created them.
I am one of the lax Christians that has forgotten what true faith is supposed to look like. This has caused me to be negative and most of the things that I approach the elders about, the questions I ask, they are negative collections of pessimism that I can't quite escape from. I see people getting comfortable and I can only wonder if I've picked up the mood of the church that has moved into religion and away from God. I am deeply filled with empathy, moods rarely escape me, and I used to feel the pain of people so greatly that there are movies that I couldn't watch because of the kinds of pain that the characters had to endure before the end. Some of my favorite movies had parts that I needed to skip over because of one scene that the hurt on the face of the actor was so great I couldn't stand to watch it. My heart broke for that person.
Where did that manner within me go? Like a switch, I turned off the things within me that opened me to deeper feelings of someone that they would hide from the world, but can't hide from God. By the Holy Spirit, I was so attuned to how someone felt that on the surface they could look one way and I could tell that deep within them, hidden from the world, they were suffering. At some point, I turned that switch off. I stopped caring what others felt and I stopped suffering with them because I was told that it isn't the right thing to do. I look at my family and I can see the suffering within even on the outside, and yet I can't feel how they feel. I don't know what to say to them to get them to fight for their own hearts.
My manner changed and I have a new anguish. I hurt for myself. For the things that were once so simple for me to do, I have lost them. For my family that I see struggling to come to realization that just because they turned away from a Godly life, it does not mean that they don't still need God. I see the hurts on them that can be fixed by God, creator of all things. I suffer watching them fight to keep their heads afloat and I can't stand that they don't see at least a little joy that comes from following and worshiping the King of Kings.
David Wilkerson is a pastor in New York city that after 50 years of preaching God's word, now pastors to pastors, encouraging them to renew the passion for Christ. He started by preaching to inner city gangs and has led many of them to the Lord. In a message about anguish, his heart broke. Christ experienced true anguish on the cross. At one moment he raises his eyes to heaven and cries out, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I've heard this described to me as the moment when the weight of all the sin of all of man for ALL TIME was set on his shoulders. Think about all the hurts in your own life that weigh upon you so heavy, of all the things that you've heard even the most spiritually attuned men and women do in their own life. Take all those and roll them into a ball and set them on the shoulders of one person. Do you think he felt anguish?
In Pastor Wilkerson's message, through tears and obvious turmoil he shouts into the microphone about the lax attitude that has fallen on so many of the so called faithful in this day and age. I live with a family that many of them have turned away from God. They will claim to pray, and they might yet, but I don't see in their own lives the connection with God that I see from some of the common people standing in line at the Homeless shelter. In their comfort, my family has forgotten to worship the one that created them.
I am one of the lax Christians that has forgotten what true faith is supposed to look like. This has caused me to be negative and most of the things that I approach the elders about, the questions I ask, they are negative collections of pessimism that I can't quite escape from. I see people getting comfortable and I can only wonder if I've picked up the mood of the church that has moved into religion and away from God. I am deeply filled with empathy, moods rarely escape me, and I used to feel the pain of people so greatly that there are movies that I couldn't watch because of the kinds of pain that the characters had to endure before the end. Some of my favorite movies had parts that I needed to skip over because of one scene that the hurt on the face of the actor was so great I couldn't stand to watch it. My heart broke for that person.
Where did that manner within me go? Like a switch, I turned off the things within me that opened me to deeper feelings of someone that they would hide from the world, but can't hide from God. By the Holy Spirit, I was so attuned to how someone felt that on the surface they could look one way and I could tell that deep within them, hidden from the world, they were suffering. At some point, I turned that switch off. I stopped caring what others felt and I stopped suffering with them because I was told that it isn't the right thing to do. I look at my family and I can see the suffering within even on the outside, and yet I can't feel how they feel. I don't know what to say to them to get them to fight for their own hearts.
My manner changed and I have a new anguish. I hurt for myself. For the things that were once so simple for me to do, I have lost them. For my family that I see struggling to come to realization that just because they turned away from a Godly life, it does not mean that they don't still need God. I see the hurts on them that can be fixed by God, creator of all things. I suffer watching them fight to keep their heads afloat and I can't stand that they don't see at least a little joy that comes from following and worshiping the King of Kings.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Something I Forgot
A couple posts ago I commented about sitting at home on a Friday night. It was brought to my attention that I missed something from the evening. In addition to watching Hudson Hawk, hence Bruce Willis, if you haven't seen this movie you need to go watch it like yesterday, I was sitting drinking wine and puting together a puzzle. A jigsaw puzzle of a nerdy wizard casting a spell. It is how I spent much of my evening and I did finally get to bed sometime shortly after midnight. I did rather enjoy myself and I had some good chats with folks online.
The Saturday I didn't sit at home, which made me feel a litle better about my situation, but I also don't remember doing anything that night.
That about covers everything.
The Saturday I didn't sit at home, which made me feel a litle better about my situation, but I also don't remember doing anything that night.
That about covers everything.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Henry Jones Jr.
As a little boy, I lived over near what is now Market of Choice in Eugene, on Green Acres road. Before civilization caught up to that edge of town, there was nothing in that part of town except for what I think may have been a Costco, but I think it may have been called something else. The very far edge of the field had a Jafco, and next door to that was a GI Joes. I remember very little actually about living over there, but the things I do remember mostly surround that field.
The first thing that comes to mind is the explorer that such a large field turned me into. Underneath all of that land is a collection of storm drains and I know for a fact that they weren't always closed off. I've been inside them and walked from one end to the other. Being a silly little kid, I was always afraid of getting trapped in it by someone closing off the other end.
Right in the middle of what is now Walmart's parking lot, I recall a hill that was cut into by the expansion of the area, and one side of it formed a cliff that was just dirt and rocks. By pulling out rocks, you could create for yourself a handhold or even a toe hold as you scaled up the side. It couldn't have been more than 10 feet tall, but when you're little, climbing to the top made you into Sir Edmond Hilary.
Henry Jones Jr. Who is he? Most people remember him by two other names, first is Dr. Jones, spoken with the heavy accent of a young chinese boy, but most commonly he might be referred to as Indiana Jones. I bring him up in reminiscing about my childhood because those memories made me into an explorer, they took me out on an adventure. In my later life, I lost what it was that made me excited to go out and explore but have recently become acquainted with it again.
I borrowed my nephew's copy of the Indiana Jones series, and its unfortunate that he doesn't really understand what he is looking at. Dr. Jones had freedom to go on an adventure. One of my favorite parts of any of the movies is when they show a map and he is travelling from place to place. Instead of showing that he is bored and sitting on a plane, you see an image of the plane flying and a red line connecting the various ports of call. He was on the go, sometimes half way around the world.
It is my hope that someday when I'm looking at a map I don't see a lot of places that I wish that I had had time to go, I want to look at all the places that I've been able to travel to and remember what it's like to explore something on a grander scale than the storm drain under the local shopping center.
The first thing that comes to mind is the explorer that such a large field turned me into. Underneath all of that land is a collection of storm drains and I know for a fact that they weren't always closed off. I've been inside them and walked from one end to the other. Being a silly little kid, I was always afraid of getting trapped in it by someone closing off the other end.
Right in the middle of what is now Walmart's parking lot, I recall a hill that was cut into by the expansion of the area, and one side of it formed a cliff that was just dirt and rocks. By pulling out rocks, you could create for yourself a handhold or even a toe hold as you scaled up the side. It couldn't have been more than 10 feet tall, but when you're little, climbing to the top made you into Sir Edmond Hilary.
Henry Jones Jr. Who is he? Most people remember him by two other names, first is Dr. Jones, spoken with the heavy accent of a young chinese boy, but most commonly he might be referred to as Indiana Jones. I bring him up in reminiscing about my childhood because those memories made me into an explorer, they took me out on an adventure. In my later life, I lost what it was that made me excited to go out and explore but have recently become acquainted with it again.
I borrowed my nephew's copy of the Indiana Jones series, and its unfortunate that he doesn't really understand what he is looking at. Dr. Jones had freedom to go on an adventure. One of my favorite parts of any of the movies is when they show a map and he is travelling from place to place. Instead of showing that he is bored and sitting on a plane, you see an image of the plane flying and a red line connecting the various ports of call. He was on the go, sometimes half way around the world.
It is my hope that someday when I'm looking at a map I don't see a lot of places that I wish that I had had time to go, I want to look at all the places that I've been able to travel to and remember what it's like to explore something on a grander scale than the storm drain under the local shopping center.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Why Can't I Cry
If you go back far enough and find people that remember the hyper sensitive kid that I used to be. I would cry at any small infraction against me, and any hurt would be met with tears. You could honestly say that I could be called a crybaby. Let's face it, I was.
In these current times, I'm investigating who I really am. Things are sometimes good and sometimes bad, but for the most part I feel good about who I've become. In some of the classes that I've been taking it's really come down to some emotional topics that should affect me in ways that elicit some reaction, but for some reason I can't cry.
Tears just won't come. No matter what the topic is, no matter how sad, no matter how upset I am with a topic from the past, my eyes just can't leak. It drives me a bit crazy at times. Actually, it makes me quite mad at times. There are some times when I'm studying the bible or I'm talking with someone in a growth situation, I don't have an emotional response. Sometimes I even want to cry, but I can't. Why is this?
I love God! There is nothing that I wouldn't do if I truly felt his calling on my life, but the sad truth is, there is nothing more that I want to do for him than to cry. I want my eyes to open up and water, heavily water. I want to cry, but I don't know why I can't. So step on my foot, kick me in the shin, tell me you hate me, do what you must, but please don't settle for anything short of a tear from my eye.
In these current times, I'm investigating who I really am. Things are sometimes good and sometimes bad, but for the most part I feel good about who I've become. In some of the classes that I've been taking it's really come down to some emotional topics that should affect me in ways that elicit some reaction, but for some reason I can't cry.
Tears just won't come. No matter what the topic is, no matter how sad, no matter how upset I am with a topic from the past, my eyes just can't leak. It drives me a bit crazy at times. Actually, it makes me quite mad at times. There are some times when I'm studying the bible or I'm talking with someone in a growth situation, I don't have an emotional response. Sometimes I even want to cry, but I can't. Why is this?
I love God! There is nothing that I wouldn't do if I truly felt his calling on my life, but the sad truth is, there is nothing more that I want to do for him than to cry. I want my eyes to open up and water, heavily water. I want to cry, but I don't know why I can't. So step on my foot, kick me in the shin, tell me you hate me, do what you must, but please don't settle for anything short of a tear from my eye.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Trying something tonight
So it's Friday night, and I realize how much of a complete loser this makes me that I'm sitting here typing on my blog rather than out doing something fun. The truth is I don't even know what would be considered fun to me. Sure there could be spending time with friends, going to movies, LAN parties, all sorts of things, but I'm just not interested tonight. So I'm sitting here drinking coffee watching old corny movies on NetFlix.
Unfortunately, I'm still bored. Bored to tears really. Humans weren't made to be alone, especially on Friday night. There is really very little to do around this silly old town that I'm beginning to wonder why I'm still here. The short answer is, I really have no idea. I would say that I'm stuck here, but I'm really not. There is nothing keeping me here. I'm single, don't have a job, and the best thing that I can think to do on Friday night is sit and drink coffee and watch Bruce Willis sing songs while he's robbing the Louvre.
How sad does this really make me? Not very. When I get to bored I'll just go to bed, not that I think I could really sleep, after all, I've been drinking coffee all night. I'm sure I've got a book somewhere that I haven't read a dozen times, that could occupy me, but not really interested in reading. The options are getting worn down, and the more that I sit and think about it, the sadder my life is really shaping up to be.
So tonight I'm trying this. I'm trying to complain about my life but at the same time keep myself optimistic; it's not working very well. Tomorrow is Saturday, and if I end up sitting at home being all lame and have a follow up to this filth, I'll be really worried.
Unfortunately, I'm still bored. Bored to tears really. Humans weren't made to be alone, especially on Friday night. There is really very little to do around this silly old town that I'm beginning to wonder why I'm still here. The short answer is, I really have no idea. I would say that I'm stuck here, but I'm really not. There is nothing keeping me here. I'm single, don't have a job, and the best thing that I can think to do on Friday night is sit and drink coffee and watch Bruce Willis sing songs while he's robbing the Louvre.
How sad does this really make me? Not very. When I get to bored I'll just go to bed, not that I think I could really sleep, after all, I've been drinking coffee all night. I'm sure I've got a book somewhere that I haven't read a dozen times, that could occupy me, but not really interested in reading. The options are getting worn down, and the more that I sit and think about it, the sadder my life is really shaping up to be.
So tonight I'm trying this. I'm trying to complain about my life but at the same time keep myself optimistic; it's not working very well. Tomorrow is Saturday, and if I end up sitting at home being all lame and have a follow up to this filth, I'll be really worried.
Friday, February 12, 2010
My Runner's High
Pedal backwards through my blog a little bit and you come across what I resolved to acomplish for this year. First on the list is that silly Marathon that I agreed to do with my brother-in-law. Today was a tipping point in my training. I've been out the last week with sore muscles, yes I'm a wuss, but I don't want to hurt myself like I have so many times in the past because I pushed myself too hard, too soon. Today was different.
I started my run off today like I do every time. I move my legs vigorously, whether that is running in place or just shaking them like I'm doing 'the Charelston', it doesn't really matter to me. I need blood flow to my legs. I stretch, don't want to pull a muscle, again, then I start out slow.
As I started to run down Cherokee, a road behind my sister's house, I noticed that my body felt good. It felt GOOD. Man, I tell you, It felt amazing. I haven't felt the way I did today in a very long time. So what do you do when you feel good? You run faster, and I did. My origional plan for the day was about a 3 mile loop around the blocks by where I'm living, but that didn't work out so well for me.
I was running down Jasper Rd, and I realized that I could go on at my pace for a long time. I picked up the pace and continued past what would have been my last turn and return home. I felt so good, I didn't really want to stop. I toyed with the idea of adding another 4 miles on my run, but resisted. After all, I am a bit of an experienced runner and didn't want to over do it. Instead I settled on about a 6 mile run through the surrounding neighborhood.
What I felt today I can only describe as a runner's high. I haven't had a good high in a while so I'm not sure if that's what I was actually experiencing, but I tell you, if I feel like that when I do finally run my marathon, I'm going to be in good shape.
I started my run off today like I do every time. I move my legs vigorously, whether that is running in place or just shaking them like I'm doing 'the Charelston', it doesn't really matter to me. I need blood flow to my legs. I stretch, don't want to pull a muscle, again, then I start out slow.
As I started to run down Cherokee, a road behind my sister's house, I noticed that my body felt good. It felt GOOD. Man, I tell you, It felt amazing. I haven't felt the way I did today in a very long time. So what do you do when you feel good? You run faster, and I did. My origional plan for the day was about a 3 mile loop around the blocks by where I'm living, but that didn't work out so well for me.
I was running down Jasper Rd, and I realized that I could go on at my pace for a long time. I picked up the pace and continued past what would have been my last turn and return home. I felt so good, I didn't really want to stop. I toyed with the idea of adding another 4 miles on my run, but resisted. After all, I am a bit of an experienced runner and didn't want to over do it. Instead I settled on about a 6 mile run through the surrounding neighborhood.
What I felt today I can only describe as a runner's high. I haven't had a good high in a while so I'm not sure if that's what I was actually experiencing, but I tell you, if I feel like that when I do finally run my marathon, I'm going to be in good shape.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
More on Fear
These last few weeks I've been taking a class called Restoration. I'm learning all about my faith and how to finally do a lot of the things that many Christians do as second nature, that I somehow missed. I'm learning, and I love the new things that I'm learning about how to get closer to God.
I read books, a lot a lot of books, not a typo, just typed double. I love reading. A few years ago I read something about fear. The question was, 'what is the opposite of fear?'. The answer given in the book is 'Love'. My friend Cliff and I discussed it, and we finally settled on it being a satisfactory answer.
It wasn't until very recently that I started thinking about that question a little bit more. I don't see the opposite of fear being love anymore and I'll try to explain what is in my head right now. Love I see more as the antithesis of Hate. They are the strongest emotions I've ever experienced and both lead you to doing silly things. But I've experienced fear while being filled with both Love and Hate, so how can either be fear's opposite.
So what is the opposite of fear? I've recently heard fear being described as anticipation of future pain. I loved this description. I'm starting to now see the opposite of fear as the perfect experience of living right now. Thinking about what fear does for you, it's nothing. The times that you experience fear are never times of...
I just had myself a revelation. I am going to call the opposite of fear, victory. I have no idea why this came to me. When you are experiencing victory, you are perfectly in right now. You want to experience every moment of your victory so you are at home. You are all in that time at that spot. In times of fear, you're looking around the corner, never where you are right now.
My advice to people is going to experience victory, constantly. Love every moment for just that moment. You have won over fear, experience your victory.
I read books, a lot a lot of books, not a typo, just typed double. I love reading. A few years ago I read something about fear. The question was, 'what is the opposite of fear?'. The answer given in the book is 'Love'. My friend Cliff and I discussed it, and we finally settled on it being a satisfactory answer.
It wasn't until very recently that I started thinking about that question a little bit more. I don't see the opposite of fear being love anymore and I'll try to explain what is in my head right now. Love I see more as the antithesis of Hate. They are the strongest emotions I've ever experienced and both lead you to doing silly things. But I've experienced fear while being filled with both Love and Hate, so how can either be fear's opposite.
So what is the opposite of fear? I've recently heard fear being described as anticipation of future pain. I loved this description. I'm starting to now see the opposite of fear as the perfect experience of living right now. Thinking about what fear does for you, it's nothing. The times that you experience fear are never times of...
I just had myself a revelation. I am going to call the opposite of fear, victory. I have no idea why this came to me. When you are experiencing victory, you are perfectly in right now. You want to experience every moment of your victory so you are at home. You are all in that time at that spot. In times of fear, you're looking around the corner, never where you are right now.
My advice to people is going to experience victory, constantly. Love every moment for just that moment. You have won over fear, experience your victory.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Faith vs. Fear
I sometimes still get depressed when I look back over the last two years of my life and realize all the opportunities that I've missed. I've been out there, I've put myself on the line, and I failed. Or so I thought I did. For a long time I have been afraid to step out and take the chance again because it is... oh so painful when you are laying on your face begging for someone to pick you up. Fear kills you. Fear takes you away from all the things that you want to do, but worse, fear takes you away from all the things that God wants you to do.
Transformations take place all the time. The country elects new leaders all the time. Businesses hire new employees, and some people reach a point where they know things will be better if they just went in a different direction. Fear keeps your feet on the ground. Someone told me once that you just have to pick a direction and go. Even if it's the wrong direction. You will find that you can change where you are headed a lot easier when you are moving. Stuck in a rut, stuck in place!
Somehow, and I'm not quite sure how, I have opened my eyes. For so long I just wandered around with them shut and just waited for someone to lead me in a direction. I was moving, but had no direction. I wasn't even moving in the wrong direction, mainly just circles. Finally I opened my eyes, blinked away the fog and realized that I needed to follow God. I've tried to for a long time, but never really knew how to.
What do you do when you don't know? You ask... So I found someone and I asked. Then I asked someone else, and someone else, and then people got annoyed with me for asking the same questions again and again, but you know what finally happened. I found out how to pursue God. My eyes were opened and my faith grew. As my faith has grown I've gone from wandering in circles to heading in a straight line after the One who created it all. Wouldn't you know that things are starting to pick up for me. All as a matter of Faith.
Transformations take place all the time. The country elects new leaders all the time. Businesses hire new employees, and some people reach a point where they know things will be better if they just went in a different direction. Fear keeps your feet on the ground. Someone told me once that you just have to pick a direction and go. Even if it's the wrong direction. You will find that you can change where you are headed a lot easier when you are moving. Stuck in a rut, stuck in place!
Somehow, and I'm not quite sure how, I have opened my eyes. For so long I just wandered around with them shut and just waited for someone to lead me in a direction. I was moving, but had no direction. I wasn't even moving in the wrong direction, mainly just circles. Finally I opened my eyes, blinked away the fog and realized that I needed to follow God. I've tried to for a long time, but never really knew how to.
What do you do when you don't know? You ask... So I found someone and I asked. Then I asked someone else, and someone else, and then people got annoyed with me for asking the same questions again and again, but you know what finally happened. I found out how to pursue God. My eyes were opened and my faith grew. As my faith has grown I've gone from wandering in circles to heading in a straight line after the One who created it all. Wouldn't you know that things are starting to pick up for me. All as a matter of Faith.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Please Forgive
I would at least ask if you found yourself here, that you forgive some of my rambling nonsense. This is the first time I've made my blog public and don't know how well it will be received. I have written in all states of mind form elation to anger and sometimes... no... always, my emotion spews onto the screen. Feel free to browse my thoughts, some are orderly, others not. Some inspirational, some a mountain of cosmic drivle. Please just forgive what you disagree with, take what strength you can, grant me favor and grace, and all will be well.
What's God have for me?
This has been a question I've been kicking around in my head for a long time. I've struggled through some pretty hairy stuff over the last couple years and have some how come through it with stronger faith than I had before it all started. I've found people that I care about and people that invest themselves in my faith and have asked me to return as much to them. I've been down, I've been up, but at the end of the day, I can go to sleep, and sleep well, knowing that I'm following the Lord.
I don't hear so well, ok, that's not true, I hear very well. I can hear the bird siren under city hall here in Springfield, it annoys me to no end when I walk by to meet John for lunch, but I do struggle to hear my heart talk to me. I'll use my heart to refer to God. I wish to do his will, but I'm not sure how often I'm doing just what I want to do that's "Good" or I'm doing the things that he has a need of me to do. I'll continue to walk in faith and HOPE that some day I can hear him more clearly.
Next? I don't exactly know. I look forward to the blessings that God has for me and the adventure that he has in store for my life. I know it will be greatly rewarding, after all, God designed it for me. I will struggle, but I have people that will struggle with me. God will be glorious, gracious, and faithful, I can at least try to be the same.
I don't hear so well, ok, that's not true, I hear very well. I can hear the bird siren under city hall here in Springfield, it annoys me to no end when I walk by to meet John for lunch, but I do struggle to hear my heart talk to me. I'll use my heart to refer to God. I wish to do his will, but I'm not sure how often I'm doing just what I want to do that's "Good" or I'm doing the things that he has a need of me to do. I'll continue to walk in faith and HOPE that some day I can hear him more clearly.
Next? I don't exactly know. I look forward to the blessings that God has for me and the adventure that he has in store for my life. I know it will be greatly rewarding, after all, God designed it for me. I will struggle, but I have people that will struggle with me. God will be glorious, gracious, and faithful, I can at least try to be the same.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Short New Goals
I went on a run today.
I'm going to let that statement stand there by itself for a few reasons. Looking at the previous post, you will notice that first on it is to run a marathon. I've had this as a goal for a while. I ran track in college, but my event was the hurdles. I never had to run farther than 1500 meters, and that only about twice a year. Distance is not my thing. So why do I think that I want to run a full marathon, 26.2 miles, and likely urine in my pants. Running those kinds of distances will make you lose control of certain body functions, and I'm quite sure that I will pee myself. More importantly, I won't care.
Showing up and being effective for such a long distance is just not going to happen. You have to train, and train a lot. So, let's go back to that first statement right now. I went for a run today. I haven't been running in a long time and I would like to say that I have a good reason like I have been hurt or, something... No, I've just been really lazy, I hate to admit that but it's more of a true statement that saying I have been hurt for that long. A little more to it. I did hurt myself, and it was a pretty bad injury, but it's been a long time, almost two years since, and I just never got into a routine to run again.
How can a simple run be a small goal? For starters, I finished my whole run. I set out to run a certain distance and I actually ran the whole way. That sounds a little ridiculous, but in the past few years I haven't been able to go out and run a short distance. Mostly because I'm not really used to taking it easy when I run. I go for it. I head out and beat the street, I race it to the end, and try as hard as I can to win. That's the way I'm built. So starting small isn't something I can do easily. I would start out well and get to a point that I was just too tired to carry on, and I would start walking.
So finishing a whole run is a start for me. When I was in shape, I felt good about myself, and finishing a run is a key to getting back in shape. Out running, I can still hear my track coach yelling at me and it keeps me moving. Maybe that's the key. I hope I can keep moving, with God's help I can keep moving.
I'm going to let that statement stand there by itself for a few reasons. Looking at the previous post, you will notice that first on it is to run a marathon. I've had this as a goal for a while. I ran track in college, but my event was the hurdles. I never had to run farther than 1500 meters, and that only about twice a year. Distance is not my thing. So why do I think that I want to run a full marathon, 26.2 miles, and likely urine in my pants. Running those kinds of distances will make you lose control of certain body functions, and I'm quite sure that I will pee myself. More importantly, I won't care.
Showing up and being effective for such a long distance is just not going to happen. You have to train, and train a lot. So, let's go back to that first statement right now. I went for a run today. I haven't been running in a long time and I would like to say that I have a good reason like I have been hurt or, something... No, I've just been really lazy, I hate to admit that but it's more of a true statement that saying I have been hurt for that long. A little more to it. I did hurt myself, and it was a pretty bad injury, but it's been a long time, almost two years since, and I just never got into a routine to run again.
How can a simple run be a small goal? For starters, I finished my whole run. I set out to run a certain distance and I actually ran the whole way. That sounds a little ridiculous, but in the past few years I haven't been able to go out and run a short distance. Mostly because I'm not really used to taking it easy when I run. I go for it. I head out and beat the street, I race it to the end, and try as hard as I can to win. That's the way I'm built. So starting small isn't something I can do easily. I would start out well and get to a point that I was just too tired to carry on, and I would start walking.
So finishing a whole run is a start for me. When I was in shape, I felt good about myself, and finishing a run is a key to getting back in shape. Out running, I can still hear my track coach yelling at me and it keeps me moving. Maybe that's the key. I hope I can keep moving, with God's help I can keep moving.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
At the beginning of 2009 I set out a list of things that I would like to do in the new year. I did that because I wanted to feel more like I accomplished doing something than failed to stick to a resolution. Who, after all, sticks to a resolution? I'm sure there are a few, but for the most part, 3 weeks in, something happens and your diet fails, you miss a few days of working out, or any number of other things that keep you from sticking to a resolution.
For this year, I'm making the same sort of list of things to do. There are a lot of things that I didn't do in 2009 that I really wanted to get done. Some of thie things that I really had sought to accomplish, I would say that I failed at. On the other hand, I gave myself a chance to succeed where a lot of other people just do not. I put so many things on my list, some of which I had already started to accomplish, I cheated, yes, but I did things in 2009 that I set out to do.
I'm hoping to roll what little success that I had last year into more success for this next one.
Top 10
Run a Marathon
Find gainful employment
Own my own car
More time with God
Noticable character changes
Teach a church class
Repay much of my debt
Get my own place
Finish my book
Go on a mission
The idea isn't to make a list of things that are done easily. I am not someone who historically has done things the easy way. My life fell apart once and I gave up on who I was. It hurts to admit but who I became over the last few years is someone that I wouldn't have been friends with growing up. I wish to change who people see me as, but more important, I wish to change who I see myeslf as. So cheers to 2K10, and I hope you enjoy yourself!
For this year, I'm making the same sort of list of things to do. There are a lot of things that I didn't do in 2009 that I really wanted to get done. Some of thie things that I really had sought to accomplish, I would say that I failed at. On the other hand, I gave myself a chance to succeed where a lot of other people just do not. I put so many things on my list, some of which I had already started to accomplish, I cheated, yes, but I did things in 2009 that I set out to do.
I'm hoping to roll what little success that I had last year into more success for this next one.
Top 10
Run a Marathon
Find gainful employment
Own my own car
More time with God
Noticable character changes
Teach a church class
Repay much of my debt
Get my own place
Finish my book
Go on a mission
The idea isn't to make a list of things that are done easily. I am not someone who historically has done things the easy way. My life fell apart once and I gave up on who I was. It hurts to admit but who I became over the last few years is someone that I wouldn't have been friends with growing up. I wish to change who people see me as, but more important, I wish to change who I see myeslf as. So cheers to 2K10, and I hope you enjoy yourself!
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