I have scars. A lot of them. I played football for a long time, I have numerous cuts on my arms and legs, and one great one on my chin. During hitting drills before one football game, a teammate hit his helmet into my chest which slid up into my chin under my facemask. It was the first of two cuts on my chin. The second came from a bowling... incident... I was out with my sister one night and I dove onto a lane and the design on my shirt was not the kind that slipped on a bowling lane. It caught and I hit my face on the lane, splitting open my chin. I ended the night with a trip to the emergency room and 3 stitches in my chin. I now have a scar next to another scar on my chin.
My days running hurdles left me with a lot of trips to Idaho and Seattle. Hurdles really weren't just an event that I did, they pretty much ruled my identity for years. When I lost that, I guess I always felt like I lost a piece of myself. From those days, I still carry several scars on my legs from breaking hurdles and trying to break myself in the process. My knees carry the brunt of these scars and reached a point where even today I feel very little pain in the skin on my knees.
Next, I have bunches of scars that people can't see. Some still physical, many spiritual, and still bunches more that are emotional. An X-ray of my hands might show calcium deposits in my hands that I can feel worse than ever when it's cold. Like this time of year.
Some scars there is just no way to explain. You are raised a certain way, and eventually someone doesn't like who you are. They make fun of your hair, your voice, you eye color, that you're too tall, that you're too short, pretty much kids are jerks to each other. Take one that was far too skinny and very sensitive (cries a lot), that's a recipe for disaster. I was mocked from as early as I can remember and by middle school I had deadened my emotions so much there's no other way to describe it other than broken. But reputations carry on. In high school I was still made fun of as a cry baby and I don't remember crying 5 times in high school.
Carrying on a little more. I've been in and out of bad relationships my whole life. None of them have been the least bit fulfilling to me except one, my relationship with God. When I returned to church about a year ago I wasn't mocked for my past, people could see past who I used to be. For the first time I could see what it meant to be a new creation. God took all my scars and all my pain upon himself and simply made it... go away. I still carry the scars of a past that is no long my life, but with God all things are fixed. I'm not a broken half human, I can cry again, upon occasion, and I feel more complete as an adult then I ever did as a kid. Scars don't go away, but with God the pain is no longer there.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Crater Lake
Oregon is amazing. There are some of the most beautiful places on the planet right in our back yard. We have mountains and lakes and rivers among deserts and the ocean. We really have all kinds of things. Today was about a lake, but not just any lake, a crater.
Southern Oregon in the winter yields some large amounts of snow in the winter months. Today I got up close with some 3 feet of it on the rim of an ancient volcano. Mt. Mazama was about 12000 feet of pristeen cascade mountain set between what is presently Roseburg and Klamath Falls. Some 7000 years ago it decided it no longer wanted to be a mountain. The magma chamber underneath the mountain pushed through the crust of the Earth and became above the crust of the Earth in a giant eruption. Without the magma to hold up the peak of the mountain collapsed into itself and became a great crater.
Time passed and presently there is 1900 ft of water covering the remains of what was once possibly the highest mountain in Oregon. Surround the caldera of this with snow and you can see the image of surreal beauty that I witnessed today. On two days notice, my friend Nate and I took the trip to the rim and stood in awe as we looked out on Crater Lake.
After a conversation with my dad last week, I wasn't really looking forward to the view as I should have. His comment said simply that if you have seen any picture of the lake on a clear day then you have seen the lake and don't really need to see it in person. A grossly inaccurate assessment. My first view of the lake, I commented on the walls of the crater being taller than I thought they would be. I then realized that there was a perfect reflection of the sky about 1000 feet below me. Walking along the rim, Nate and I sat and enjoyed lunch looking out on the lake. We calmly chatted about this and that then walked along the rim of the crater. There was along the rim a rock wall that we found comfortable to sit on and stare at an unobstructed view of the lake.
Never having been to the lake before today, I didn't know what to think as we drove there this morning. I simply do not have the words to tell you what went through my mind. You can see 100 pictures of it, but until you experience God's Majesty, you've never seen Crater Lake. I sat in awe, silently enjoying my company and God's brush on the Earth. It's still just a crater with a lake in the bottom of it, but it's now part of my experience and one that I will never forget. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths just to feel as close to the Lake as possible. Someday I will return and enjoy the scenery once again, but the first images in my mind will last forever.
Southern Oregon in the winter yields some large amounts of snow in the winter months. Today I got up close with some 3 feet of it on the rim of an ancient volcano. Mt. Mazama was about 12000 feet of pristeen cascade mountain set between what is presently Roseburg and Klamath Falls. Some 7000 years ago it decided it no longer wanted to be a mountain. The magma chamber underneath the mountain pushed through the crust of the Earth and became above the crust of the Earth in a giant eruption. Without the magma to hold up the peak of the mountain collapsed into itself and became a great crater.
Time passed and presently there is 1900 ft of water covering the remains of what was once possibly the highest mountain in Oregon. Surround the caldera of this with snow and you can see the image of surreal beauty that I witnessed today. On two days notice, my friend Nate and I took the trip to the rim and stood in awe as we looked out on Crater Lake.
After a conversation with my dad last week, I wasn't really looking forward to the view as I should have. His comment said simply that if you have seen any picture of the lake on a clear day then you have seen the lake and don't really need to see it in person. A grossly inaccurate assessment. My first view of the lake, I commented on the walls of the crater being taller than I thought they would be. I then realized that there was a perfect reflection of the sky about 1000 feet below me. Walking along the rim, Nate and I sat and enjoyed lunch looking out on the lake. We calmly chatted about this and that then walked along the rim of the crater. There was along the rim a rock wall that we found comfortable to sit on and stare at an unobstructed view of the lake.
Never having been to the lake before today, I didn't know what to think as we drove there this morning. I simply do not have the words to tell you what went through my mind. You can see 100 pictures of it, but until you experience God's Majesty, you've never seen Crater Lake. I sat in awe, silently enjoying my company and God's brush on the Earth. It's still just a crater with a lake in the bottom of it, but it's now part of my experience and one that I will never forget. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths just to feel as close to the Lake as possible. Someday I will return and enjoy the scenery once again, but the first images in my mind will last forever.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Slowing Down
I'm moving forward. I have a full head of steam and I know that my life is going to get better in the near future. I know so well in fact that God has such great things planned for me that I'm not afraid to tell people about it. This comes of very poorly and looks as if I'm boasting, but indeed, these great things can be had by everyone. Simply put your faith in God and he'll put you on the path that will truly bless you.
Struggling seems to be the way of things for me over the last couple years. I reacted very poorly to a situation and threw myself into another situation. Thinking I could solve that problem with action, I threw myself into another course wich just ended in more disaster. The bottom is very dark, but looking up I can see plenty of light and a whole lot of people there to lift me up.
Now that I'm ready to move along, my plan is to slow down. Here is where I enter all the cliche phrases that everyone loves to say, but they are very true. When is the last time you climbed a tree? Listened to the rain? Sat with someone and never said a word? I'm going to take time for me, remember all the things that make me, me, and move forward as slowly as possible.
I sit here now listening to the raid outside and realize that I grew up listening to it and enjoying it hit my window, drip off the corners of the house and put me to sleep. I slept well back them, maybe because the things that I thought were important didn't weigh me down like they do now, or they just weren't that important. The rain still hits my window and drips off my house. It hasn't changed, so I'm forced to concede that I've changed. I went and got myself all growed up to where I have to be responsilbe. I shouldn't be awake at 1 in the morning, but I am, and the rain is far more soothing than someone talking my ear off. I love the company of other people. I like hearing about them, about their day and about their likes and dislikes, but right now I'm loving the rain, dripping off the side of my house.
Struggling seems to be the way of things for me over the last couple years. I reacted very poorly to a situation and threw myself into another situation. Thinking I could solve that problem with action, I threw myself into another course wich just ended in more disaster. The bottom is very dark, but looking up I can see plenty of light and a whole lot of people there to lift me up.
Now that I'm ready to move along, my plan is to slow down. Here is where I enter all the cliche phrases that everyone loves to say, but they are very true. When is the last time you climbed a tree? Listened to the rain? Sat with someone and never said a word? I'm going to take time for me, remember all the things that make me, me, and move forward as slowly as possible.
I sit here now listening to the raid outside and realize that I grew up listening to it and enjoying it hit my window, drip off the corners of the house and put me to sleep. I slept well back them, maybe because the things that I thought were important didn't weigh me down like they do now, or they just weren't that important. The rain still hits my window and drips off my house. It hasn't changed, so I'm forced to concede that I've changed. I went and got myself all growed up to where I have to be responsilbe. I shouldn't be awake at 1 in the morning, but I am, and the rain is far more soothing than someone talking my ear off. I love the company of other people. I like hearing about them, about their day and about their likes and dislikes, but right now I'm loving the rain, dripping off the side of my house.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
An Instant Message
I ran track. I wasn't terrible at it and when I went to college I gave up the whole football thing to turn toward running, which meant cross country. Now, as far as distance running, I've run the occasional road race and once in a while a mile during PE class, but cross country!? What on earth was I thinking?
College became a difficult time for me. I played a game that I was really good at but never bonded with the coaching staff very well, therefore I quit. Focusing on my own physical shape and my running ability. In doing so I made some really great friends and then found a guy, in my track coach, that I could bond with as a mentor. He acted in many ways like my dad while I was in college and pushed me to be the best I could possibly be.
Sundays turned into more of a relaxing in the pool sort of day. After a week of torturing your body, it needs some rest. Garry, my track coach, was a big fan of Aqua Joggers. If you're not familiar with Aqua Joggers or Aqua Belts, they are a buoyant belt that you put around your waist to stay afloat while you jogged in circles around a pool.
During a workout one Sunday, my buddy Kelly and I got separated from the rest of everyone that was jogging and we were just chewing the fat. Garry prowled the edge of the pool as he always did and tried to stay interested in what his athletes were in to. Kelly and I talked about all kinds of BS and that day we were talking about instant messager. Garry overheard and asked what we were talking about.
"Well Garry, we're talking about instant messager"
"I've got an instant message for ya"
At that point Garry eloquently extended his middle finger in a gesture commonly called "the bird" or "birdie". Kelly and I nearly drowned in the effort to laugh and jog at the same time.
Last week Kelly was nice enough to remind me of this little adventure and I only have to think of it to laugh a little.
College became a difficult time for me. I played a game that I was really good at but never bonded with the coaching staff very well, therefore I quit. Focusing on my own physical shape and my running ability. In doing so I made some really great friends and then found a guy, in my track coach, that I could bond with as a mentor. He acted in many ways like my dad while I was in college and pushed me to be the best I could possibly be.
Sundays turned into more of a relaxing in the pool sort of day. After a week of torturing your body, it needs some rest. Garry, my track coach, was a big fan of Aqua Joggers. If you're not familiar with Aqua Joggers or Aqua Belts, they are a buoyant belt that you put around your waist to stay afloat while you jogged in circles around a pool.
During a workout one Sunday, my buddy Kelly and I got separated from the rest of everyone that was jogging and we were just chewing the fat. Garry prowled the edge of the pool as he always did and tried to stay interested in what his athletes were in to. Kelly and I talked about all kinds of BS and that day we were talking about instant messager. Garry overheard and asked what we were talking about.
"Well Garry, we're talking about instant messager"
"I've got an instant message for ya"
At that point Garry eloquently extended his middle finger in a gesture commonly called "the bird" or "birdie". Kelly and I nearly drowned in the effort to laugh and jog at the same time.
Last week Kelly was nice enough to remind me of this little adventure and I only have to think of it to laugh a little.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Holy Spirit Baptism
I was baptized as a child. My parents, family, grandparents, and the rest of my world was Catholic. As an infant, you really don't even know what is going on and all the promises that are made are made by people speaking for you. The commitment really isn't your own as an infant, but instead is a promise by others for you. I was later baptised by a preacher named Dan in a horse trough shortly after graduating from college. There was a lot that I still didn't quite understand, but I was on my way to a bigger world of freedom through Christ.
About a month ago I began to realize that there was a distinct difference between water baptism and Holy Spirit Baptism. I was shocked to realize that there was more to baptism that being dipped under water and committing to a belief in Christ. There was a spirit of God that he calls us to be filled with, and anything that God calls us to do just isn't optional.
My associate Pastor invited me to explore holy spirit baptism for myself... so I did. Today during worship, I was filled with an uncontrollable desire to know God more intimately, to know what he has for me, and pursue him with everything in me. I could see clearly this meant the spirit within me. Making excuses not to was no longer and option that I could live with and even feel close to God. I knew too much and knowing made me pursue. God's spirit needs to live in me.
After service today, a group of passionate men, all very respected by me and have had a large part in the growth of my faith in the past months prayed over me and with me. Among the things that took place was one of them touched the inside of my eyes, my tear ducts. I've thought for a long time that it was impossible for me to cry, but I found out today that it isn't. Uncontrollable tears flowed from my eyes... not for very long, but they flowed, I wasn't sobbing, just crying. I felt close to each of the men with me as I never had and more important I felt a true desire to discover all I could about Christ.
So what's next? Historically I've always been a pessimist, well, almost always. One of the words from Jack after was about me searching optimistic things about God. This caught me a bit off guard, but they gave me a road map to get to know the Lord better. I will always be seeking to know Christ more and to spend time with him and I feel like today was a giant step into his presence.
About a month ago I began to realize that there was a distinct difference between water baptism and Holy Spirit Baptism. I was shocked to realize that there was more to baptism that being dipped under water and committing to a belief in Christ. There was a spirit of God that he calls us to be filled with, and anything that God calls us to do just isn't optional.
My associate Pastor invited me to explore holy spirit baptism for myself... so I did. Today during worship, I was filled with an uncontrollable desire to know God more intimately, to know what he has for me, and pursue him with everything in me. I could see clearly this meant the spirit within me. Making excuses not to was no longer and option that I could live with and even feel close to God. I knew too much and knowing made me pursue. God's spirit needs to live in me.
After service today, a group of passionate men, all very respected by me and have had a large part in the growth of my faith in the past months prayed over me and with me. Among the things that took place was one of them touched the inside of my eyes, my tear ducts. I've thought for a long time that it was impossible for me to cry, but I found out today that it isn't. Uncontrollable tears flowed from my eyes... not for very long, but they flowed, I wasn't sobbing, just crying. I felt close to each of the men with me as I never had and more important I felt a true desire to discover all I could about Christ.
So what's next? Historically I've always been a pessimist, well, almost always. One of the words from Jack after was about me searching optimistic things about God. This caught me a bit off guard, but they gave me a road map to get to know the Lord better. I will always be seeking to know Christ more and to spend time with him and I feel like today was a giant step into his presence.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wanderings
For the past several months I've been wandering around with really no direction. Day to day, was... well... only day to day. I had no thoughts of next week, or the week after, all I had was some obscure hope of things to come far down the road. I don't know when they were going to happen, just that I hoped that they would.
For a while I've been meeting with Jerry Tubbs. He's been acting as a mentor to me as I try to find footing on a spiritual path that not only glorifies God, but gives me some sort of direction. With his help I've learned to trust God and I've also learned that I can hear him much more clearly than I ever thought possible. Jerry has been a blessing in my life like few others.
So what do I do with this? That day out in the future is starting to shape itself around me. By hearing God speak to me I've found a place that not only lifts up my fellow believers, but helps my own faith as well. Doing the Lords work is truly a blessing, and all the things that I've fought to get under control in my life, I've surrendered to his wisdom, and wouldn't you know it, they are resolving quite nicely. There's still a few things that I need to fine tune, but for the most part with His wonderful help, I'm getting by just fine.
This next stage in my life is a greater mystery than the last, but I feel confident that I'm not going alone and the people that are around me will not only lift me up, but also pray with me when things are starting to go South, which would give me a new opportunity to trust in God's wisdom and develop a greater faith in him. He has blessed me greatly and I am eternally strengthened through him.
For a while I've been meeting with Jerry Tubbs. He's been acting as a mentor to me as I try to find footing on a spiritual path that not only glorifies God, but gives me some sort of direction. With his help I've learned to trust God and I've also learned that I can hear him much more clearly than I ever thought possible. Jerry has been a blessing in my life like few others.
So what do I do with this? That day out in the future is starting to shape itself around me. By hearing God speak to me I've found a place that not only lifts up my fellow believers, but helps my own faith as well. Doing the Lords work is truly a blessing, and all the things that I've fought to get under control in my life, I've surrendered to his wisdom, and wouldn't you know it, they are resolving quite nicely. There's still a few things that I need to fine tune, but for the most part with His wonderful help, I'm getting by just fine.
This next stage in my life is a greater mystery than the last, but I feel confident that I'm not going alone and the people that are around me will not only lift me up, but also pray with me when things are starting to go South, which would give me a new opportunity to trust in God's wisdom and develop a greater faith in him. He has blessed me greatly and I am eternally strengthened through him.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Between now and Then
I realize that no one, or maybe next to no one reads this, and I have some things that are very useless to say, but I say them anyway. Why is this? Because sometimes no one listens and just puting words down is enough to make me start feeling better, at least for a little while. The truth is, I'm the forgetful sort and I forgot my blog was even here. I don't talk about it, and none of my friends read it to tell me they enjoyed something that I wrote, or that they are looking forward to my next post, therefore, it becomes easy for me to overlook posting my thoughts.
Between now and then, I'm becoming painfully aware that I need to make some very hard choices in my life. People that I used to be very good friends with and I love very much have made the choice to point out my faults as I grow closer to Christ instead of encourage the changes that I have made so in my life. The choice is becoming, do I continue to endure the painful, and sometimes humiliating comments that these "friends" say to me, or do I continue to count them among people that I care about, but spend less time with them.
Before I had thought that just cutting them off completely and no longer spending the time was the way to go, but after speaking with my mentor, he's helped me realize that maybe I'm the only person that speaks to the Grace of Christ, and maybe some day they will see that I have changed and ask me what they can do to change themselves. After all, many of the heroes in the bible endured far worse treatment from people that were close to them. I can at least deal with a few comments that I know don't speak of my heart for them, or my heart for God.
So, I'll write again in the future, and I don't know when this is going to be, but between now and then, maybe something will happen to glorify God in their life and they will thank me for being an example to them of love and understanding.
Between now and then, I'm becoming painfully aware that I need to make some very hard choices in my life. People that I used to be very good friends with and I love very much have made the choice to point out my faults as I grow closer to Christ instead of encourage the changes that I have made so in my life. The choice is becoming, do I continue to endure the painful, and sometimes humiliating comments that these "friends" say to me, or do I continue to count them among people that I care about, but spend less time with them.
Before I had thought that just cutting them off completely and no longer spending the time was the way to go, but after speaking with my mentor, he's helped me realize that maybe I'm the only person that speaks to the Grace of Christ, and maybe some day they will see that I have changed and ask me what they can do to change themselves. After all, many of the heroes in the bible endured far worse treatment from people that were close to them. I can at least deal with a few comments that I know don't speak of my heart for them, or my heart for God.
So, I'll write again in the future, and I don't know when this is going to be, but between now and then, maybe something will happen to glorify God in their life and they will thank me for being an example to them of love and understanding.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Life in the Slow Lane
When I went off to college I needed some way to get around, so before I went I purchased a bike that I could ride around campus and the area around school. I didn't want some cheap piece of junk so I spent around $400 for the thing, and sure enough, my roommate had a car so I rarely rode the thing. Over the next four years I continued to seldom ride the thing and after having it stolen twice and borrowed for 3 months by a friend, I returned home from school with a nearly brand new bike.
Move forward a few years. I have never really lived anywhere that I couldn't walk to places that were close by or that I could take public transport so I was always in a car nearly everywhere that I went. I've become accustom to driving and the freedom of the open road. The last 2 years has seen a change in my transportation habits that is starting to annoy me.
There is nothing quite like a suspended drivers license. It's a way for the DMV to say we don't trust you driving a car anymore, and it sucks. One thing about it though, that bike of mine would never be taken for nearly 10 years old and this town isn't so big that you can't get there on a bike, so for the last several months I've been getting used to the city bus and where the bike paths go. It's not a bad ride across town and can actually be more relaxing along the river than on the road. Riding is always slower, but I'm getting in the habit of slowing down. Who knows? I might learn to drive the speed limit soon, when I get my lisence of course.
I don't mind taking it easy, but I like a box of steel around me and 4 wheels toward freedom. Maybe someday they'll trust me to drive again, but until then I get to live life in the slow lane.
Move forward a few years. I have never really lived anywhere that I couldn't walk to places that were close by or that I could take public transport so I was always in a car nearly everywhere that I went. I've become accustom to driving and the freedom of the open road. The last 2 years has seen a change in my transportation habits that is starting to annoy me.
There is nothing quite like a suspended drivers license. It's a way for the DMV to say we don't trust you driving a car anymore, and it sucks. One thing about it though, that bike of mine would never be taken for nearly 10 years old and this town isn't so big that you can't get there on a bike, so for the last several months I've been getting used to the city bus and where the bike paths go. It's not a bad ride across town and can actually be more relaxing along the river than on the road. Riding is always slower, but I'm getting in the habit of slowing down. Who knows? I might learn to drive the speed limit soon, when I get my lisence of course.
I don't mind taking it easy, but I like a box of steel around me and 4 wheels toward freedom. Maybe someday they'll trust me to drive again, but until then I get to live life in the slow lane.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Faith Tested
I'll start in the middle, go to the beginning, and then move to what is going on now, and I'm not sure that I believe it myself, so don't worry if you do or not.
Last night while headed to the Scandanavian Festival in Junction City, a friend of mine was following me but we got separated in the drive. I waited along the side of a road while she caught up and a county sheriff pulled up behind me and turned on his lights. He came to the window of the car and announced that I had expired tags and got the usual array of paper work from me before returning to his car.
I need to jump back to the beginning of this story really quick. In May, a friend of mine had several family members in town from around the country and there was a BBQ at his parents house. While leaving this BBQ I was pulled over for "Failure to Yield". I couldn't find the proof of insurance for the car but the cop didn't see reason to cite me and let me go about my way, there was someone in my car with me, and they will say the same thing here. Apparently I was cited and was to have a court date on June 11th. Without a citation, I had no idea that I was to appear in court and did not. On that date my lisence was suspended without my knowledge and I have been driving in this fashion since.
You would think that they would mail me a notice of suspension, and they very well could have except for a clerical error made by the DMV. When I received my lisence back after several months of suspension, I had moved and was living where I currently do. The address on my ID card was different and therefore I had to change the address. I filled out the paperwork and got my lisence, which nowadays they give you a paper one, and mail you your hard copy. My real lisence was mailed to my current address bearing a different address. How? I'm not sure, but needless to say, I never received a notice and this may well be why.
Fast forward again to last night. The deputy returned to my car to announce that my car was to be impounded, my lisence confiscated, and I was given a very heavy fine for my trouble. The meaning of all of this stuff I may never know, but I must say that I've had enough trouble lately to last two lifetimes and I was beginning to wonder where it would end.
I went to church this morning without any of my usual luster, my enthusiasm to be around people, to get excited about God, and it showed. Several people could see through my fake smile and I just could not focus on anything but asking God Why? I still don't know, but in answer, a very good friend came up to me after service and gave me a much needed gift that pretty much erased any doubts about God that I may have had in walking into church this morning. He asked me not to say what and who, but I figure just that it was very needed and I received it isn't breaking his rules. God provides and not ever the way that you expect him to. Now I just get to figure out how he's going to help me with this one.
Last night while headed to the Scandanavian Festival in Junction City, a friend of mine was following me but we got separated in the drive. I waited along the side of a road while she caught up and a county sheriff pulled up behind me and turned on his lights. He came to the window of the car and announced that I had expired tags and got the usual array of paper work from me before returning to his car.
I need to jump back to the beginning of this story really quick. In May, a friend of mine had several family members in town from around the country and there was a BBQ at his parents house. While leaving this BBQ I was pulled over for "Failure to Yield". I couldn't find the proof of insurance for the car but the cop didn't see reason to cite me and let me go about my way, there was someone in my car with me, and they will say the same thing here. Apparently I was cited and was to have a court date on June 11th. Without a citation, I had no idea that I was to appear in court and did not. On that date my lisence was suspended without my knowledge and I have been driving in this fashion since.
You would think that they would mail me a notice of suspension, and they very well could have except for a clerical error made by the DMV. When I received my lisence back after several months of suspension, I had moved and was living where I currently do. The address on my ID card was different and therefore I had to change the address. I filled out the paperwork and got my lisence, which nowadays they give you a paper one, and mail you your hard copy. My real lisence was mailed to my current address bearing a different address. How? I'm not sure, but needless to say, I never received a notice and this may well be why.
Fast forward again to last night. The deputy returned to my car to announce that my car was to be impounded, my lisence confiscated, and I was given a very heavy fine for my trouble. The meaning of all of this stuff I may never know, but I must say that I've had enough trouble lately to last two lifetimes and I was beginning to wonder where it would end.
I went to church this morning without any of my usual luster, my enthusiasm to be around people, to get excited about God, and it showed. Several people could see through my fake smile and I just could not focus on anything but asking God Why? I still don't know, but in answer, a very good friend came up to me after service and gave me a much needed gift that pretty much erased any doubts about God that I may have had in walking into church this morning. He asked me not to say what and who, but I figure just that it was very needed and I received it isn't breaking his rules. God provides and not ever the way that you expect him to. Now I just get to figure out how he's going to help me with this one.
Middle School Camp
You can't start discussing middle school camp without first talking about Adam Tubbs. Adam is the guy sitting in charge of the middle school youth group and he's a bit strange. I've never actually met Adam. His father is my mentor, and I've known the lot of them for about 20 years now, but there was never a time when I got introduced, Adam, Jesse: Jesse, Adam.
This week, we didn't get introduced, but I got to know the guy a little bit, and I must say from the outside, if all I heard were the stories about this guy, I'd never let my kids go to a camp with him, but, having experienced his teaching, his passion, and his love for those kids, he's in the place he should be.
Something that I learned about the guy this week, Adam used to ride in the rodeo until he heard God say to pursue youth ministry. He sold off his rodeo gear bit by bit and... well... he bought a suit of armor. Yes, a suit of armor. This doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the strange things about this guy; From the bottom of a dog pile he was asking if the 12 guys on top of him gave up; One of the games we played was called "Man Down" and the leaders got to kidnap stragglers from the group; for another event, treasure hunters had to find Adam and one of the other leaders, both wearing Gilly Suits, google them if you don't know what they are.
Adam brings spirit and enthusiasm to his teaching and conveys his passion for Christ's Love in his messages and the kids are fortunate to have him for their leader. I look forward to spending more time with Adam, the kids, and the wacky things that surround SFC youth ministry.
This week, we didn't get introduced, but I got to know the guy a little bit, and I must say from the outside, if all I heard were the stories about this guy, I'd never let my kids go to a camp with him, but, having experienced his teaching, his passion, and his love for those kids, he's in the place he should be.
Something that I learned about the guy this week, Adam used to ride in the rodeo until he heard God say to pursue youth ministry. He sold off his rodeo gear bit by bit and... well... he bought a suit of armor. Yes, a suit of armor. This doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the strange things about this guy; From the bottom of a dog pile he was asking if the 12 guys on top of him gave up; One of the games we played was called "Man Down" and the leaders got to kidnap stragglers from the group; for another event, treasure hunters had to find Adam and one of the other leaders, both wearing Gilly Suits, google them if you don't know what they are.
Adam brings spirit and enthusiasm to his teaching and conveys his passion for Christ's Love in his messages and the kids are fortunate to have him for their leader. I look forward to spending more time with Adam, the kids, and the wacky things that surround SFC youth ministry.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Vacation Bible School
There is nothing quite like being type-cast. When I was in college, I took part in the student directed plays and found out that I can be another person, if only for a short while, and pull it off well enough that it's believable. Twice during my senior year I played a character that was cocky, arogant, and many other kinds of ass-hole.
This week is Vacation Bible School at my church and I got pulled into the skit that is going on, or at least the part that went on last night. Of course, I landed the part of the senator, and he's, well... pompous and arrogant. I'm beginning to notice a pattern. I wonder If I'll ever really escape these kinds of rolls if and when I'm in another play.
For the beginning of the week and this skit, I've been helping out with the elementry school VBS and having a blast at it. After Tuesday, however, I'm headed to Cottage Grove to help with the middle school camp which is actually an over night camp, but I don't have to really respond to the kids while I'm there. I'm going as support for the leaders and to help clean up and set up the events that are taking place. I'm looking forward to it, not because I really want to help out at the camp, but who I get to spend time with.
The leader of Men's Ministry at SFC is Paul Blancher and he'll be doing the exact same thing that I am for the week and I get to room with him for the last few days of the week. In the evening I believe that we are watching some good "Man" movies and getting to spend time in fellowship.
It ought to be a good time and I'm really looking forward to the time with Paul and getting to know him.
This week is Vacation Bible School at my church and I got pulled into the skit that is going on, or at least the part that went on last night. Of course, I landed the part of the senator, and he's, well... pompous and arrogant. I'm beginning to notice a pattern. I wonder If I'll ever really escape these kinds of rolls if and when I'm in another play.
For the beginning of the week and this skit, I've been helping out with the elementry school VBS and having a blast at it. After Tuesday, however, I'm headed to Cottage Grove to help with the middle school camp which is actually an over night camp, but I don't have to really respond to the kids while I'm there. I'm going as support for the leaders and to help clean up and set up the events that are taking place. I'm looking forward to it, not because I really want to help out at the camp, but who I get to spend time with.
The leader of Men's Ministry at SFC is Paul Blancher and he'll be doing the exact same thing that I am for the week and I get to room with him for the last few days of the week. In the evening I believe that we are watching some good "Man" movies and getting to spend time in fellowship.
It ought to be a good time and I'm really looking forward to the time with Paul and getting to know him.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Words from Paul
It's been easy for me to hide behind a mask these past several months, especially when I move into a new situation where people don't really know where I came from. I have a messy sort of past and few people can truly say that they know all about me because I'm not as open as I sometimes pretend to be. I've had my share of joys and pains and somehow have landed on my feet.
Paul says in Philippians 4:11-12
Paul says in Philippians 4:11-12
Not
that I was ever in need, for I have learned
how to be content with whatever I have. I
know how to live on almost nothing or with
everything. I have learned the secret of liv-
ing in every situation, whether it is with a
full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.
I know the truth of these words more than most. I know what it's like to be able to buy anything that you want without so much as a thought to how to pay for it. I have had money to spend, and spend it I did. Also, I know what it's like to pick between eating for a few days or paying a bill. Pride has always hampered me, but I'm learning to hard way to swallow what is left of it and be completely reliant on God for all of my needs. I look back on the recent past and even through the worst of my situations, there was always a way out, a back door that God left open that I could slip out when I was in such crisis that I needed out.
The strength of God strengthens me. I call his name and ask for a guiding light through the darkness. He comforts me watches over my path to keep the obstacles from becoming too great for a floundering sinner like myself. His great love for his people overwhelms me and stretches my arms to the church ceiling, eyes closed, voice raised up praising the glory that is the one True God.
The strength of God strengthens me. I call his name and ask for a guiding light through the darkness. He comforts me watches over my path to keep the obstacles from becoming too great for a floundering sinner like myself. His great love for his people overwhelms me and stretches my arms to the church ceiling, eyes closed, voice raised up praising the glory that is the one True God.
Monday, August 3, 2009
God the Word
So, I finally did it, here at last is one of my devotionals from the day, and don't mind the spelling or the grammar, or even if you disagree with what I'm saying, it is mine after all, and you are either an internet ninja or a friend of mine, so spare my feelings, and just take it as my own interpretation of what God is telling me today.
In John 5:39-40 Jesus says, " You search the scriptures because you think they give you eternal life, but the scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life."
God doesn't life in the words on the page, yet he speaks to us from them. As a human we go places to find God and forget we don't need to go to a "place". He certainly is there also, but we tend to limit his ability to be with us. God is there, no matter where "there" is, and many of us refuse to see him, even when he is holding out his arms and reaching for us, to embrace us with a fatherly hug. We forget that God works through the hearts of people around us, whether it's a phone call from a friend or a chance encounter with someone that is dear to you. His reach is infinite and we cannot begin to understand how he reaches into our lives.
The chair next to me, the passenger seat in my car, behind me in line, whereever it is, I lean towards forgetting that God is everywhere, and constantly my companion. Never is he condescending and always is he encouraging, when I forget he is there, when I step on someone, or when I just plain fall on my face, he always lifts me up and brushes the dust off my coat. Embraces me as his own and gives me the motivation to continue on my pursuit of him. He constantly reminds me to seek him even when I don't pay attention, and loves to take me by surprise with an old friend, or someone that I've been thinking about lately.
In John 5:39-40 Jesus says, " You search the scriptures because you think they give you eternal life, but the scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life."
God doesn't life in the words on the page, yet he speaks to us from them. As a human we go places to find God and forget we don't need to go to a "place". He certainly is there also, but we tend to limit his ability to be with us. God is there, no matter where "there" is, and many of us refuse to see him, even when he is holding out his arms and reaching for us, to embrace us with a fatherly hug. We forget that God works through the hearts of people around us, whether it's a phone call from a friend or a chance encounter with someone that is dear to you. His reach is infinite and we cannot begin to understand how he reaches into our lives.
The chair next to me, the passenger seat in my car, behind me in line, whereever it is, I lean towards forgetting that God is everywhere, and constantly my companion. Never is he condescending and always is he encouraging, when I forget he is there, when I step on someone, or when I just plain fall on my face, he always lifts me up and brushes the dust off my coat. Embraces me as his own and gives me the motivation to continue on my pursuit of him. He constantly reminds me to seek him even when I don't pay attention, and loves to take me by surprise with an old friend, or someone that I've been thinking about lately.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Love your Neighbor
I'm starting to get upset. It's my season to afflict the comfortable, and I feel like it needs to start in the church. Every week, I go to church and see tons of people that I don't know anything about. I've never spoken to them beyond a hello in passing as I'm coming and going from service. This never used to bother me, but lately, it eats at me like a fat kid on a twinkie.
Starting some time last year, I entered into a phase of my life that put me in over my head. Coming to grips with my spirituality has lead me down a road of disappointment and ultimately guilt. I now see how we all fall short of the glory of God, and though I'm still disappointed in myself, grace is a powerful thing, and I've accepted that there is only so much that I can do with my limited knowledge, so I'm trying. There are, however, people that I attend church with that never venture to another row, sit in the same place week after week, and hope that no one talks to them. I'm not one of these people. I used to pray for boldness, and if I continue to, I'll be pushing Dave off the stage so I can share with the congregation. Every week, I try to meet someone new, and I don't mean just their name, I like to get to know something about them, and sometimes if the mood strikes me, I'll make plans for coffee, just so I can get to know people that I share a love of God with. I see the whole range, some that duck when I walk up, some that shake my hand and we share a few kind words, and then, there's the one's like Jerry who gives me a hug and Steve and Dave have to wait for us to stop talking before service can continue.
Getting back to what is driving me crazy. Could you imagine if the professed love that comes out of a church, actually came out of a church. There would be two lines at homeless shelters, one for people that are eating and one for people that wanted to help, but then, why would you need to open shelters if those people were so willing to help, open homes work just as well to someone that was hungry. I try to cook for myself, and I suck at it, I usually make about 4 times too much food, but I try and eat it anyway, and just feel guilty when sometimes I throw it away because it sits in the fridge too long. Would anyone commit suicide anymore if there were 10 people genuinely concerned with them that called every day? I just now got off the phone with Jerry and we talked for 17 minutes about toast. Every funeral would have thousands of people at them, not just that knew the deceased, but people that want to be there to support those they love in a time of grief.
There are far too many what-ifs in this life for me to worry about what other people are doing to expand the kingdom of God on Earth, but I'll do my part, and for now, I think it's my place to afflict those that are comfortable with only going to church. I'm sorry if you're one of them, and you should probably not let me sit and talk to you, because I'll share everything with you and expect that you'll do the same, then worse, I'll ask you next week how you've been, and the next week, and then next... you get the idea.
Starting some time last year, I entered into a phase of my life that put me in over my head. Coming to grips with my spirituality has lead me down a road of disappointment and ultimately guilt. I now see how we all fall short of the glory of God, and though I'm still disappointed in myself, grace is a powerful thing, and I've accepted that there is only so much that I can do with my limited knowledge, so I'm trying. There are, however, people that I attend church with that never venture to another row, sit in the same place week after week, and hope that no one talks to them. I'm not one of these people. I used to pray for boldness, and if I continue to, I'll be pushing Dave off the stage so I can share with the congregation. Every week, I try to meet someone new, and I don't mean just their name, I like to get to know something about them, and sometimes if the mood strikes me, I'll make plans for coffee, just so I can get to know people that I share a love of God with. I see the whole range, some that duck when I walk up, some that shake my hand and we share a few kind words, and then, there's the one's like Jerry who gives me a hug and Steve and Dave have to wait for us to stop talking before service can continue.
Getting back to what is driving me crazy. Could you imagine if the professed love that comes out of a church, actually came out of a church. There would be two lines at homeless shelters, one for people that are eating and one for people that wanted to help, but then, why would you need to open shelters if those people were so willing to help, open homes work just as well to someone that was hungry. I try to cook for myself, and I suck at it, I usually make about 4 times too much food, but I try and eat it anyway, and just feel guilty when sometimes I throw it away because it sits in the fridge too long. Would anyone commit suicide anymore if there were 10 people genuinely concerned with them that called every day? I just now got off the phone with Jerry and we talked for 17 minutes about toast. Every funeral would have thousands of people at them, not just that knew the deceased, but people that want to be there to support those they love in a time of grief.
There are far too many what-ifs in this life for me to worry about what other people are doing to expand the kingdom of God on Earth, but I'll do my part, and for now, I think it's my place to afflict those that are comfortable with only going to church. I'm sorry if you're one of them, and you should probably not let me sit and talk to you, because I'll share everything with you and expect that you'll do the same, then worse, I'll ask you next week how you've been, and the next week, and then next... you get the idea.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday night in SFC
It's becoming a bit of an obsession. Never in my life can I recall being this excited to spend time with the Lord.
I need to give you a bit of back story to truly describe Wednesday night. Last Sunday, I accidentally signed myself up to help out with VBS. Yes, me running around, influencing little kids and talking with them about God, sounds like a plan. So, how did I accidentally sign up, well, I walked into a meeting that I thought was for something else, and come to find out that it is an information meeting for the people that are helping put on this years Bible School. Oops!! Well, I like kids, and I had already made myself the free sandwich that they were offering, so I thought I'd stick around and see if there was something that I could help out with. The first character that I really would rather have been was Festus, an Olympic wannabe, not unlike myself, but the time requirement was too much and it would have messed with the Wild at Heart class that I'm teaching, not to mention the middle school camp that I'm helping with that same week. So, I landed the part of the pompous and arrogant, Senator. Now, this is something I can get behind, because, after all, up until a pants episode not too long ago, I was all of both of those things.
I was instructed by one of the teachers to get the script from her before I left, and well, I forgot. Maybe it was that she was my mom's age and flirting with me, or maybe it was that I had been at church longer that Sunday than most Mormons, I left without a script. But oh thank you Lord for Air Conditioning.
Wednesday morning rolls around and I was out and about. The temperatures were climbing to triple digits, and dry to wet clothing ratios were rapidly approaching pre-spin levels from the washing machine. I found myself driving by my church, and realized that almost all buildings in the world, unless they are made of ice themselves, have AC. I stopped, and ran into the children's minister, which I had met only once, and she acted like I was a long lost son, and was very glad to see me. She told me how glad she was that I was helping out, and asked me to stop by that evening to get a copy of the script for my part. This was easy enough, because, after all, Tuesday found my Wild at Heart group crowded around a laptop screen watching the DVD series, because the disc would not work in a regular DVD player. Paul agreed to loan me the brand new copies of the video series, so new in fact, they haven't made copies yet. So, my life hangs in the balance of these three discs.
Finally, Wednesday night. I needed to get my script, some things from Paul, and a little more of that AC that I love so much. One of my favorite worship leaders was playing, so I thought I'd poke my head in and listen. I sat next to someone I didn't know, hoping I wouldn't get immersed in conversation, and noticed another guy that I'm friends with, sitting alone, I thought I'd go say hi and then take off. Then Dave took the stage. That night he just seemed to have a presence. I listened for a little bit, then a bit more, and after a while, I realized I had sat through all of the service.
Was I surprised, certainly, but in a good way. There is so much God out there, and I'm just excited to get to spend time with him, and the more days of the week that I get to, the better. Yes, I realize he's always with me, and try to remain in constant conversation with him, but there's something about the fellowship of fellow believers that really makes me feel good and welcome.
I need to give you a bit of back story to truly describe Wednesday night. Last Sunday, I accidentally signed myself up to help out with VBS. Yes, me running around, influencing little kids and talking with them about God, sounds like a plan. So, how did I accidentally sign up, well, I walked into a meeting that I thought was for something else, and come to find out that it is an information meeting for the people that are helping put on this years Bible School. Oops!! Well, I like kids, and I had already made myself the free sandwich that they were offering, so I thought I'd stick around and see if there was something that I could help out with. The first character that I really would rather have been was Festus, an Olympic wannabe, not unlike myself, but the time requirement was too much and it would have messed with the Wild at Heart class that I'm teaching, not to mention the middle school camp that I'm helping with that same week. So, I landed the part of the pompous and arrogant, Senator. Now, this is something I can get behind, because, after all, up until a pants episode not too long ago, I was all of both of those things.
I was instructed by one of the teachers to get the script from her before I left, and well, I forgot. Maybe it was that she was my mom's age and flirting with me, or maybe it was that I had been at church longer that Sunday than most Mormons, I left without a script. But oh thank you Lord for Air Conditioning.
Wednesday morning rolls around and I was out and about. The temperatures were climbing to triple digits, and dry to wet clothing ratios were rapidly approaching pre-spin levels from the washing machine. I found myself driving by my church, and realized that almost all buildings in the world, unless they are made of ice themselves, have AC. I stopped, and ran into the children's minister, which I had met only once, and she acted like I was a long lost son, and was very glad to see me. She told me how glad she was that I was helping out, and asked me to stop by that evening to get a copy of the script for my part. This was easy enough, because, after all, Tuesday found my Wild at Heart group crowded around a laptop screen watching the DVD series, because the disc would not work in a regular DVD player. Paul agreed to loan me the brand new copies of the video series, so new in fact, they haven't made copies yet. So, my life hangs in the balance of these three discs.
Finally, Wednesday night. I needed to get my script, some things from Paul, and a little more of that AC that I love so much. One of my favorite worship leaders was playing, so I thought I'd poke my head in and listen. I sat next to someone I didn't know, hoping I wouldn't get immersed in conversation, and noticed another guy that I'm friends with, sitting alone, I thought I'd go say hi and then take off. Then Dave took the stage. That night he just seemed to have a presence. I listened for a little bit, then a bit more, and after a while, I realized I had sat through all of the service.
Was I surprised, certainly, but in a good way. There is so much God out there, and I'm just excited to get to spend time with him, and the more days of the week that I get to, the better. Yes, I realize he's always with me, and try to remain in constant conversation with him, but there's something about the fellowship of fellow believers that really makes me feel good and welcome.
Switching Cultures
In college, I once took an intro to anthropology class that emphasized the study of cultures. The class taught me a great deal, but one of the major things that it taught me is that there is a culture surrounding just about everything there is to do. Let's say that you're a NASCAR fan, yes, you can already imagine the people that are hanging out in the infield and sitting on top of their RV's watching the cars race around as they just get completely obliterated. There is also soccer mom's, an entire culture driving mini-vans and SUV's shuttling kids to practice, ballet, school, and the hundreds of other things that kids do.
I myself for the past 8 years have been immersed in "beer" culture. Whether it is in a bar, a fraternity, or a dorm room, there has been enough to go around, and enough that I have consumed to say honestly, that I didn't just fit into beer culture, I lived it, well and truly.
Lately, I've been different. I enjoy a drink now and then, but my driving movement through life is no longer the consumption of alcohol, but is now the consumption of the Word, my daily dose of Jesus.
Looking at these two groups of people, you can notice very quickly, that they are in no way, the same. One is based nearly entirely on sin, while the other is founded in the deeper understanding that there is something greater than me out there, that I should strive to be like, and push myself to be like. Transitioning between these two groups of people is running me up against a lot of really tough decisions, which include the worst, IMO, switching who my friends are. Many, if not all of my friends as I've matured, have been bar people that enjoy their drinks, and things don't seem to go too badly for them. Myself, however, I've run across several things in my recent life that are pushing me to become a better person. I've been in counselling, therapy for this and thats, various ministry opportunities, and in all of these things, I feel that I'm coming out better for the work I'm doing. I'm learning to like me again, and that my friends has been the greatest blessing of them all. If you don't know him yet, maybe you should check out this Jesus guy, and if you want to know more about him, feel free to send me an email, and I'll share you my personal experience with him. After all, He's quite a guy.
I myself for the past 8 years have been immersed in "beer" culture. Whether it is in a bar, a fraternity, or a dorm room, there has been enough to go around, and enough that I have consumed to say honestly, that I didn't just fit into beer culture, I lived it, well and truly.
Lately, I've been different. I enjoy a drink now and then, but my driving movement through life is no longer the consumption of alcohol, but is now the consumption of the Word, my daily dose of Jesus.
Looking at these two groups of people, you can notice very quickly, that they are in no way, the same. One is based nearly entirely on sin, while the other is founded in the deeper understanding that there is something greater than me out there, that I should strive to be like, and push myself to be like. Transitioning between these two groups of people is running me up against a lot of really tough decisions, which include the worst, IMO, switching who my friends are. Many, if not all of my friends as I've matured, have been bar people that enjoy their drinks, and things don't seem to go too badly for them. Myself, however, I've run across several things in my recent life that are pushing me to become a better person. I've been in counselling, therapy for this and thats, various ministry opportunities, and in all of these things, I feel that I'm coming out better for the work I'm doing. I'm learning to like me again, and that my friends has been the greatest blessing of them all. If you don't know him yet, maybe you should check out this Jesus guy, and if you want to know more about him, feel free to send me an email, and I'll share you my personal experience with him. After all, He's quite a guy.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Cactus and a Flame Thrower
So as far as pastors go, mine is awesome. Steve Erickson is the associate pastor where I attend and he seldom actually speaks but when he does they are usually characterized by some weird collection of quotes and quite a few of them tend to be... well... bizarre.
Senior Pastor was gone today and, you guessed it, that meant a message by Steve. I was forewarned as to the nature of Steve's antics for the day by the head of men's ministry, who announced my class I'm teaching, and made me wave to the entire church. After all, if he's uncomfortable, then you have to be, too.
Steve's messages are usually short, but today, it was longer than his normal, but I'm fairly sure that nobody paid attention to the length, we were too concerned with the Strawberry plant that Steve made. Yes, Steve made a strawberry plant. How, do you ask? Why, by sticking strawberries to a cactus of course.
Today's lesson was from Luke, John the Baptist in the desert announce the one that was coming that he was not fit to lace his sandals, and he would baptize in the Holy Spirit and Fire. Steve spent a fair amount of time explaining the nature of fire, how it consumes, mars, changes the nature of things, and tempers. He promptly demonstrated these things on a paper doll, enter the flamethrower, or at least a propane torch, that he used, in the sanctuary, to a collected intake of breath from the front row.
Eccentric, yes, crazy, yes, and he'll admit them both himself, but at least it makes church interesting.
Senior Pastor was gone today and, you guessed it, that meant a message by Steve. I was forewarned as to the nature of Steve's antics for the day by the head of men's ministry, who announced my class I'm teaching, and made me wave to the entire church. After all, if he's uncomfortable, then you have to be, too.
Steve's messages are usually short, but today, it was longer than his normal, but I'm fairly sure that nobody paid attention to the length, we were too concerned with the Strawberry plant that Steve made. Yes, Steve made a strawberry plant. How, do you ask? Why, by sticking strawberries to a cactus of course.
Today's lesson was from Luke, John the Baptist in the desert announce the one that was coming that he was not fit to lace his sandals, and he would baptize in the Holy Spirit and Fire. Steve spent a fair amount of time explaining the nature of fire, how it consumes, mars, changes the nature of things, and tempers. He promptly demonstrated these things on a paper doll, enter the flamethrower, or at least a propane torch, that he used, in the sanctuary, to a collected intake of breath from the front row.
Eccentric, yes, crazy, yes, and he'll admit them both himself, but at least it makes church interesting.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Just a Man
I like to think that I'm important. Really important. Like... so important you just can't imagine how important that I really am until you understand the scope of reality that I'm really a part of. Yes... that makes me very arrogant, and I'm OK with that as long as you understand, that I'm very important. Or at least that's what I thought until Thursday of this week.
In trying to prove to myself how great I am... I performed a RUMJUNGLE. For those of you who don't know what that is... a rumjungle is when you draw attention to yourself to do something that is far and away cooler than anything that you've ever seen before, and then you totally blow it and end up looking like a complete idiot, or... fill in your own adjective.
Growing up I've always associated the humility of great men with the phrase "I put my pants on one leg at a time". In order to prove that I am greater than any great man... of course I have to put both legs in at the same time... It failed!!
I have a very good vertical leap. I ran track and am quite athletic and among my other events, I was a high jumper, so I figured I would have the time, and after all it was only a pair of shorts. I leaped into the air and threw my shorts under me to catch both legs as they passed through leaving me standing with my pants in place and catapulting me into the annals of greatness along such people as Walter Payton and the guy that invented silly putty. Upon my return trip to Earth, one of my feet caught and I ended up sprawled out on the floor with one leg half in, and just my foot of the other. There was no one watching, but my pride took a tumble and I must for once and all, accept that I am... Just a Man, and I must put on my pants, one leg at a time.
In trying to prove to myself how great I am... I performed a RUMJUNGLE. For those of you who don't know what that is... a rumjungle is when you draw attention to yourself to do something that is far and away cooler than anything that you've ever seen before, and then you totally blow it and end up looking like a complete idiot, or... fill in your own adjective.
Growing up I've always associated the humility of great men with the phrase "I put my pants on one leg at a time". In order to prove that I am greater than any great man... of course I have to put both legs in at the same time... It failed!!
I have a very good vertical leap. I ran track and am quite athletic and among my other events, I was a high jumper, so I figured I would have the time, and after all it was only a pair of shorts. I leaped into the air and threw my shorts under me to catch both legs as they passed through leaving me standing with my pants in place and catapulting me into the annals of greatness along such people as Walter Payton and the guy that invented silly putty. Upon my return trip to Earth, one of my feet caught and I ended up sprawled out on the floor with one leg half in, and just my foot of the other. There was no one watching, but my pride took a tumble and I must for once and all, accept that I am... Just a Man, and I must put on my pants, one leg at a time.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Higher Search for Meaning
I'm full of frivolous American BS. I was born here, I live here, and likely, I'll die here *queue the Bruce Springsteen music. I can't escape that on some level I'll never be able to understand a lot of what happens around me, but in my search for true understanding I go anywhere and everywhere that I can to understand what really, can't be understood.
Never stop seeking!! No matter where you have to look.
Never stop seeking!! No matter where you have to look.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Fuzzy Memory
So, I broke down, jumped on the bandwagon, and I did, it, I'm on facebook, but what is really disturbing me is all the people who are finding me that I went to high school with, that I really just don't remember who they are.
I've been trying to recollect several of the people that have invited me to become friends and I'm realizing, that I wasn't really friends with many of them. I could point them out in hallways, and I could carry on a conversation with many of them about what classes they have taken, which teacher they like and dislike, and also, who around the school they just can't stand. It saddens me that I never really took much of an interest in many of the people that I did attend school with, because I missed out on some truly interesting people. Shallow as I was, many people I never saw past how athletic they were, how attractive they were, or who else they hung out with.
Now... I don't pretend that I am the cock of the walk, but I sure thought I was, then. Many of my friends sure thought they were, but I look back, and see we were all frightened little boys who really had no idea what it was we wanted, so we tried to appear cool.
I guess this post is coming to me because of my aging situation. I'm approaching my 10 year reunion. Yes, that's right, 10 years, and I'm concerned that my attitudes towards many of these people might still reflect how I saw them in high school, and not the wonderfully interesting people that I hope to see in them now. It'll be a stretch to see past many of my stereotypes, but I hope I'm up to it.
Also, Reader, I believe you have me pegged, but I can't for the life of me figure out who you are.
I've been trying to recollect several of the people that have invited me to become friends and I'm realizing, that I wasn't really friends with many of them. I could point them out in hallways, and I could carry on a conversation with many of them about what classes they have taken, which teacher they like and dislike, and also, who around the school they just can't stand. It saddens me that I never really took much of an interest in many of the people that I did attend school with, because I missed out on some truly interesting people. Shallow as I was, many people I never saw past how athletic they were, how attractive they were, or who else they hung out with.
Now... I don't pretend that I am the cock of the walk, but I sure thought I was, then. Many of my friends sure thought they were, but I look back, and see we were all frightened little boys who really had no idea what it was we wanted, so we tried to appear cool.
I guess this post is coming to me because of my aging situation. I'm approaching my 10 year reunion. Yes, that's right, 10 years, and I'm concerned that my attitudes towards many of these people might still reflect how I saw them in high school, and not the wonderfully interesting people that I hope to see in them now. It'll be a stretch to see past many of my stereotypes, but I hope I'm up to it.
Also, Reader, I believe you have me pegged, but I can't for the life of me figure out who you are.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wild at Heart
I've been now at the same church for well over a year, and it's the first time I've been in any church for nearly so long since I left home almost 10 years ago. A feature of my church is the "man board" which in these past few months, I have found lacking. There is a reference to something called "Wild at Heart" which is a book by John Eldredge, well written and full of insights into the man's soul. Some women would smirk here and say there's not secret to seeing that, but look closely I ask you, and see what might actually be there. I'm finding a deep, DEEP sadness, not only my own, but my brothers, my friends, other guys from my church, what is there to do for it? Find out why it's there.
Tonight, I'm doing just that. A small group including myself are going to undertake the challenge of this literature. As a group to keep us accountable, but for me, I'm doing it so the class will actually take place. I'm looking at having only 4 or 5 men join me, but if it's one, it's worth the adventure.
I hope your prayers will be with this small group, my one reader, for honesty not only to each other, but to ourselves, and that you'll think of us Tuesday evenings.
Tonight, I'm doing just that. A small group including myself are going to undertake the challenge of this literature. As a group to keep us accountable, but for me, I'm doing it so the class will actually take place. I'm looking at having only 4 or 5 men join me, but if it's one, it's worth the adventure.
I hope your prayers will be with this small group, my one reader, for honesty not only to each other, but to ourselves, and that you'll think of us Tuesday evenings.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Ending yourself
I thought seriously about naming this post "killing yourself", but that doesn't quite describe what I want it to say. "Killing yourself" might get the authorities knocking on my door and arresting me to sit in a room with no one to talk to all day long, while I try to figure out why I'm trying to kill myself, but in actuality, I'm not.
Ending yourself is completely different. I'm at a point within my ministry where I'm perceived in a certain way, and I don't want to be that guy. I'm the "young" guy. Not even 30, and I spend the first Tuesday of every month with a group of middle aged guys and we talk about Men. A great topic for men to talk about, unless you are the boy in the group. I'm not there because someone reached out and shook my hand and pulled me along to be there, I'm there searching for myself, and I'm certainly not finding what I sought. I've made some good friends, and those guys, I think, see me as another guy, instead of someone that their daughter might date.
So how does this fit with ending myself... I'm no longer going to be the young guy. If they want to reach out and talk with me, they can, I'll be their equal, but I won't be just some kid who they entertain because I'm around. My life has sucked at certain times, and I feel like I have some experience to share, if not as much as some, so I'll be me, and if it isn't who they expect, all the better.
Ending yourself is completely different. I'm at a point within my ministry where I'm perceived in a certain way, and I don't want to be that guy. I'm the "young" guy. Not even 30, and I spend the first Tuesday of every month with a group of middle aged guys and we talk about Men. A great topic for men to talk about, unless you are the boy in the group. I'm not there because someone reached out and shook my hand and pulled me along to be there, I'm there searching for myself, and I'm certainly not finding what I sought. I've made some good friends, and those guys, I think, see me as another guy, instead of someone that their daughter might date.
So how does this fit with ending myself... I'm no longer going to be the young guy. If they want to reach out and talk with me, they can, I'll be their equal, but I won't be just some kid who they entertain because I'm around. My life has sucked at certain times, and I feel like I have some experience to share, if not as much as some, so I'll be me, and if it isn't who they expect, all the better.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Handing out Loaded Weapons
Growing up in the Northwest, we have few in the way of Large cities, sure there is Portland and farther to the north is Seattle, but if you truly want to get lost in the woods, there are few places that you can't do it in a two hour drive. I was born and raised in Springfield, and grew up with a fishing pole in my hands. I know several different techniques for catching trout, bass, and an assortment of other things. I shoot guns, I've been hunting for grouse, deer, elk, and the occasional cougar or bear. My brother and I used to live near enough to each other that we would go hunting together in the fall and often times would take his son with us. Gunner is now 8. and I can't imagine Jared or anyone responsible handing him a gun and sending him off in the woods to bring back a big one. He could hurt him self in many ways or worse...
In December of 2004 I was brought into the world of Christianity through baptism, though I know now what all the commitments that I made with the water rite, I didn't know then. Once I was out of the water and dry, I was handed a bible and sent out in the world. A bible... a Bible... mm... A BIBLE!!! I don't know how to use a bible. Sure I can read, and I know the stories as well as most casual observers of Sunday doctrine, but what am I going to do with a bible. I would never have understood the absurdity of this if I never understood that the bible is indeed a weapon. Going back to the discussion about my nephew, he knows how to shoot a gun, he was trained from the time he could walk, you point the barrel at the ground, never point at anyone, and always be aware of everyone around you before and after you shoot, and if you should even shoot.
Hand me a bible and I'm ready to go save the world, right? Absolutely not! I can do as much damage with a bible in my hand trying to win souls to the Lord as I could with an AK47, unless someone took the time to properly train me. I never was, I still don't have the confidence to hand out such a lethal weapon as a bible because I know that I'm in no way ready to start teaching someone to use it. Or am I?
I've become a member of the training team at SFC and in the process of developing team unity, we've worked hard to make sure that the members of the team as individuals are strong foundations of Christ's love. I wonder about myself sometimes and know that I fall as often as I soar, but at the end of the day, I know right from wrong and can teach that to others. I may not be able to start an Army of the Lord on my own, but I can begin to teach them the necessary fundamentals of Christs love. After all, I was told the rules of handling a gun before I was ever handed one.
In December of 2004 I was brought into the world of Christianity through baptism, though I know now what all the commitments that I made with the water rite, I didn't know then. Once I was out of the water and dry, I was handed a bible and sent out in the world. A bible... a Bible... mm... A BIBLE!!! I don't know how to use a bible. Sure I can read, and I know the stories as well as most casual observers of Sunday doctrine, but what am I going to do with a bible. I would never have understood the absurdity of this if I never understood that the bible is indeed a weapon. Going back to the discussion about my nephew, he knows how to shoot a gun, he was trained from the time he could walk, you point the barrel at the ground, never point at anyone, and always be aware of everyone around you before and after you shoot, and if you should even shoot.
Hand me a bible and I'm ready to go save the world, right? Absolutely not! I can do as much damage with a bible in my hand trying to win souls to the Lord as I could with an AK47, unless someone took the time to properly train me. I never was, I still don't have the confidence to hand out such a lethal weapon as a bible because I know that I'm in no way ready to start teaching someone to use it. Or am I?
I've become a member of the training team at SFC and in the process of developing team unity, we've worked hard to make sure that the members of the team as individuals are strong foundations of Christ's love. I wonder about myself sometimes and know that I fall as often as I soar, but at the end of the day, I know right from wrong and can teach that to others. I may not be able to start an Army of the Lord on my own, but I can begin to teach them the necessary fundamentals of Christs love. After all, I was told the rules of handling a gun before I was ever handed one.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Summertime Jesus
I've been told by a few different people that the summer isn't a time that you want to start any sort of class at Springfield Faith Center. Attendance falls and getting people to commit to a class between summer vacations and just the break that people seem to take when the weather gets nice is all but unheard of. Chatting with several people about my wishes for a class have returned just as many comments as to what would work and why I shouldn't begin a class.
First, one of the elders, a very good friend of mine, managed to discourage my desire to have a Wild at Heart group take place by emphasizing the lack of attendance that the summer classes will draw. He has a huge heart for Christ and I was was left scratching my head as to why he would be opposed to the class and not help me discover ways to draw people to such a class. I have promptly ignored this discouragement and am proceeding with plans to start this July.
Second was the real encouragement that I received from the church staff. Pastor Steve feels the same way that I do about summer time, and if attacks by the enemy don't quit during the summer why on Earth should we step aside from fellowship and growth in these times that they are most needed. Ignoring the Devil doesn't make him go away. We discussed my wishes for a group to start and he has encouraged me and pointed me in the right direction.
Which brings me to Paul. Paul is head of Men's Ministry at SFC and I was hoping for if not expecting his enthusiasm behind a Wild at Heart group forming. From the first, he tried to steer me away from this course, but now he seems to be as eager as I am to get this group going. I'm hoping that my age will be an encouragement to many of the people in the Men's group to get their own groups going, as well as attend mine. I would very much like to take a turn at the class as a student before I dive in head first and try to lead one.
Continuing to move forward has brought a few words of encouragement from many of the guys that I have told about it. I have been informed that the best way to move forward is to first find someone to help me lead the group. This is where I got stuck and then just out of the blue a name popped into my head, Dan Lanning! Dan is the son of the Senior Pastor and he and I have been friends since high school. As of yet, I have asked Dan to help me move forward with this class and have not received confirmation from him one way or the other. I have no other people in mind, and I think the combination of Dan and myself might encourage others of our age to join in the class, which is really one of my main goals. I have several soft commitments from people wishing to join in the class and look forward to seeing who is truly willing to commit to the summer class. Depending on how well it goes, I may continue to push the class along and teach on in the winter and return to it next summer to a whole new round of discouragement. Right now, however, I'm going ahead with the idea, and am meeting with Paul to set up dates and times of when to get started. Once committed, I'm in this for the summer.
First, one of the elders, a very good friend of mine, managed to discourage my desire to have a Wild at Heart group take place by emphasizing the lack of attendance that the summer classes will draw. He has a huge heart for Christ and I was was left scratching my head as to why he would be opposed to the class and not help me discover ways to draw people to such a class. I have promptly ignored this discouragement and am proceeding with plans to start this July.
Second was the real encouragement that I received from the church staff. Pastor Steve feels the same way that I do about summer time, and if attacks by the enemy don't quit during the summer why on Earth should we step aside from fellowship and growth in these times that they are most needed. Ignoring the Devil doesn't make him go away. We discussed my wishes for a group to start and he has encouraged me and pointed me in the right direction.
Which brings me to Paul. Paul is head of Men's Ministry at SFC and I was hoping for if not expecting his enthusiasm behind a Wild at Heart group forming. From the first, he tried to steer me away from this course, but now he seems to be as eager as I am to get this group going. I'm hoping that my age will be an encouragement to many of the people in the Men's group to get their own groups going, as well as attend mine. I would very much like to take a turn at the class as a student before I dive in head first and try to lead one.
Continuing to move forward has brought a few words of encouragement from many of the guys that I have told about it. I have been informed that the best way to move forward is to first find someone to help me lead the group. This is where I got stuck and then just out of the blue a name popped into my head, Dan Lanning! Dan is the son of the Senior Pastor and he and I have been friends since high school. As of yet, I have asked Dan to help me move forward with this class and have not received confirmation from him one way or the other. I have no other people in mind, and I think the combination of Dan and myself might encourage others of our age to join in the class, which is really one of my main goals. I have several soft commitments from people wishing to join in the class and look forward to seeing who is truly willing to commit to the summer class. Depending on how well it goes, I may continue to push the class along and teach on in the winter and return to it next summer to a whole new round of discouragement. Right now, however, I'm going ahead with the idea, and am meeting with Paul to set up dates and times of when to get started. Once committed, I'm in this for the summer.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Death is light as a feather, Duty is heavier than a mountain.
Let's break this down first. I didn't come up with this quote on my own. I have this ability to read books and retain a bunch of the knowledge at a high rate, and this comes from one of the many fantasy novels that I've read lately. The main character is complaining about his life, and how difficult things are right now and his friend, an older warrior, quotes this headline at him.
The first half, Death is light as a feather....
The wages of Sin is Death. How easy is it to step out of line, to commit some sin, and Die! It takes no effort, it takes less than no effort, you sin without even trying, it's an inevitable thing that just happens. This burden of sin is light as a feather to carry around until you realize that it is your duty as a child of the Ever Living God to not sin, to walk the straight and narrow.
Duty is heavier than a Mountain...
God doesn't expect us to walk the path alone. If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can tell that mountain to throw itself down. In the every day rigors of life, it's easy to forget God and try to go your own way, but keeping up with God is essential to moving that mountain. With Christ as the center of your existence, the mountain weighs nothing, and you can carry it.
My recent past going back just a few years has been anything but a glory to God. I've tried it on my own and been crushed by that mountain. It took getting arrested to see that my way wasn't the best, and finally I needed to pursue Christ with my whole heart, though I still fall on my face, I'm replacing the people that supported my sin, with those that bolster my faith, lift me up, and pray for me nearly every day. I'm in the word more often than not, and gather other literature on every aspect of the Christian Life. I'm not perfect and never will be, but with Christ all things are possible.
The first half, Death is light as a feather....
The wages of Sin is Death. How easy is it to step out of line, to commit some sin, and Die! It takes no effort, it takes less than no effort, you sin without even trying, it's an inevitable thing that just happens. This burden of sin is light as a feather to carry around until you realize that it is your duty as a child of the Ever Living God to not sin, to walk the straight and narrow.
Duty is heavier than a Mountain...
God doesn't expect us to walk the path alone. If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can tell that mountain to throw itself down. In the every day rigors of life, it's easy to forget God and try to go your own way, but keeping up with God is essential to moving that mountain. With Christ as the center of your existence, the mountain weighs nothing, and you can carry it.
My recent past going back just a few years has been anything but a glory to God. I've tried it on my own and been crushed by that mountain. It took getting arrested to see that my way wasn't the best, and finally I needed to pursue Christ with my whole heart, though I still fall on my face, I'm replacing the people that supported my sin, with those that bolster my faith, lift me up, and pray for me nearly every day. I'm in the word more often than not, and gather other literature on every aspect of the Christian Life. I'm not perfect and never will be, but with Christ all things are possible.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Some kind of beginning
Since there is likely going to be no one reading this for quite a while, and this blog will sit lonely for some time, I should point out that I created this blog with the hopes that I would be putting daily devotionals and my journals from various books that I read. I am not the best at keeping these up-to-date, but I will try my best to keep up with it.
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