I sometimes still get depressed when I look back over the last two years of my life and realize all the opportunities that I've missed. I've been out there, I've put myself on the line, and I failed. Or so I thought I did. For a long time I have been afraid to step out and take the chance again because it is... oh so painful when you are laying on your face begging for someone to pick you up. Fear kills you. Fear takes you away from all the things that you want to do, but worse, fear takes you away from all the things that God wants you to do.
Transformations take place all the time. The country elects new leaders all the time. Businesses hire new employees, and some people reach a point where they know things will be better if they just went in a different direction. Fear keeps your feet on the ground. Someone told me once that you just have to pick a direction and go. Even if it's the wrong direction. You will find that you can change where you are headed a lot easier when you are moving. Stuck in a rut, stuck in place!
Somehow, and I'm not quite sure how, I have opened my eyes. For so long I just wandered around with them shut and just waited for someone to lead me in a direction. I was moving, but had no direction. I wasn't even moving in the wrong direction, mainly just circles. Finally I opened my eyes, blinked away the fog and realized that I needed to follow God. I've tried to for a long time, but never really knew how to.
What do you do when you don't know? You ask... So I found someone and I asked. Then I asked someone else, and someone else, and then people got annoyed with me for asking the same questions again and again, but you know what finally happened. I found out how to pursue God. My eyes were opened and my faith grew. As my faith has grown I've gone from wandering in circles to heading in a straight line after the One who created it all. Wouldn't you know that things are starting to pick up for me. All as a matter of Faith.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Please Forgive
I would at least ask if you found yourself here, that you forgive some of my rambling nonsense. This is the first time I've made my blog public and don't know how well it will be received. I have written in all states of mind form elation to anger and sometimes... no... always, my emotion spews onto the screen. Feel free to browse my thoughts, some are orderly, others not. Some inspirational, some a mountain of cosmic drivle. Please just forgive what you disagree with, take what strength you can, grant me favor and grace, and all will be well.
What's God have for me?
This has been a question I've been kicking around in my head for a long time. I've struggled through some pretty hairy stuff over the last couple years and have some how come through it with stronger faith than I had before it all started. I've found people that I care about and people that invest themselves in my faith and have asked me to return as much to them. I've been down, I've been up, but at the end of the day, I can go to sleep, and sleep well, knowing that I'm following the Lord.
I don't hear so well, ok, that's not true, I hear very well. I can hear the bird siren under city hall here in Springfield, it annoys me to no end when I walk by to meet John for lunch, but I do struggle to hear my heart talk to me. I'll use my heart to refer to God. I wish to do his will, but I'm not sure how often I'm doing just what I want to do that's "Good" or I'm doing the things that he has a need of me to do. I'll continue to walk in faith and HOPE that some day I can hear him more clearly.
Next? I don't exactly know. I look forward to the blessings that God has for me and the adventure that he has in store for my life. I know it will be greatly rewarding, after all, God designed it for me. I will struggle, but I have people that will struggle with me. God will be glorious, gracious, and faithful, I can at least try to be the same.
I don't hear so well, ok, that's not true, I hear very well. I can hear the bird siren under city hall here in Springfield, it annoys me to no end when I walk by to meet John for lunch, but I do struggle to hear my heart talk to me. I'll use my heart to refer to God. I wish to do his will, but I'm not sure how often I'm doing just what I want to do that's "Good" or I'm doing the things that he has a need of me to do. I'll continue to walk in faith and HOPE that some day I can hear him more clearly.
Next? I don't exactly know. I look forward to the blessings that God has for me and the adventure that he has in store for my life. I know it will be greatly rewarding, after all, God designed it for me. I will struggle, but I have people that will struggle with me. God will be glorious, gracious, and faithful, I can at least try to be the same.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Short New Goals
I went on a run today.
I'm going to let that statement stand there by itself for a few reasons. Looking at the previous post, you will notice that first on it is to run a marathon. I've had this as a goal for a while. I ran track in college, but my event was the hurdles. I never had to run farther than 1500 meters, and that only about twice a year. Distance is not my thing. So why do I think that I want to run a full marathon, 26.2 miles, and likely urine in my pants. Running those kinds of distances will make you lose control of certain body functions, and I'm quite sure that I will pee myself. More importantly, I won't care.
Showing up and being effective for such a long distance is just not going to happen. You have to train, and train a lot. So, let's go back to that first statement right now. I went for a run today. I haven't been running in a long time and I would like to say that I have a good reason like I have been hurt or, something... No, I've just been really lazy, I hate to admit that but it's more of a true statement that saying I have been hurt for that long. A little more to it. I did hurt myself, and it was a pretty bad injury, but it's been a long time, almost two years since, and I just never got into a routine to run again.
How can a simple run be a small goal? For starters, I finished my whole run. I set out to run a certain distance and I actually ran the whole way. That sounds a little ridiculous, but in the past few years I haven't been able to go out and run a short distance. Mostly because I'm not really used to taking it easy when I run. I go for it. I head out and beat the street, I race it to the end, and try as hard as I can to win. That's the way I'm built. So starting small isn't something I can do easily. I would start out well and get to a point that I was just too tired to carry on, and I would start walking.
So finishing a whole run is a start for me. When I was in shape, I felt good about myself, and finishing a run is a key to getting back in shape. Out running, I can still hear my track coach yelling at me and it keeps me moving. Maybe that's the key. I hope I can keep moving, with God's help I can keep moving.
I'm going to let that statement stand there by itself for a few reasons. Looking at the previous post, you will notice that first on it is to run a marathon. I've had this as a goal for a while. I ran track in college, but my event was the hurdles. I never had to run farther than 1500 meters, and that only about twice a year. Distance is not my thing. So why do I think that I want to run a full marathon, 26.2 miles, and likely urine in my pants. Running those kinds of distances will make you lose control of certain body functions, and I'm quite sure that I will pee myself. More importantly, I won't care.
Showing up and being effective for such a long distance is just not going to happen. You have to train, and train a lot. So, let's go back to that first statement right now. I went for a run today. I haven't been running in a long time and I would like to say that I have a good reason like I have been hurt or, something... No, I've just been really lazy, I hate to admit that but it's more of a true statement that saying I have been hurt for that long. A little more to it. I did hurt myself, and it was a pretty bad injury, but it's been a long time, almost two years since, and I just never got into a routine to run again.
How can a simple run be a small goal? For starters, I finished my whole run. I set out to run a certain distance and I actually ran the whole way. That sounds a little ridiculous, but in the past few years I haven't been able to go out and run a short distance. Mostly because I'm not really used to taking it easy when I run. I go for it. I head out and beat the street, I race it to the end, and try as hard as I can to win. That's the way I'm built. So starting small isn't something I can do easily. I would start out well and get to a point that I was just too tired to carry on, and I would start walking.
So finishing a whole run is a start for me. When I was in shape, I felt good about myself, and finishing a run is a key to getting back in shape. Out running, I can still hear my track coach yelling at me and it keeps me moving. Maybe that's the key. I hope I can keep moving, with God's help I can keep moving.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
At the beginning of 2009 I set out a list of things that I would like to do in the new year. I did that because I wanted to feel more like I accomplished doing something than failed to stick to a resolution. Who, after all, sticks to a resolution? I'm sure there are a few, but for the most part, 3 weeks in, something happens and your diet fails, you miss a few days of working out, or any number of other things that keep you from sticking to a resolution.
For this year, I'm making the same sort of list of things to do. There are a lot of things that I didn't do in 2009 that I really wanted to get done. Some of thie things that I really had sought to accomplish, I would say that I failed at. On the other hand, I gave myself a chance to succeed where a lot of other people just do not. I put so many things on my list, some of which I had already started to accomplish, I cheated, yes, but I did things in 2009 that I set out to do.
I'm hoping to roll what little success that I had last year into more success for this next one.
Top 10
Run a Marathon
Find gainful employment
Own my own car
More time with God
Noticable character changes
Teach a church class
Repay much of my debt
Get my own place
Finish my book
Go on a mission
The idea isn't to make a list of things that are done easily. I am not someone who historically has done things the easy way. My life fell apart once and I gave up on who I was. It hurts to admit but who I became over the last few years is someone that I wouldn't have been friends with growing up. I wish to change who people see me as, but more important, I wish to change who I see myeslf as. So cheers to 2K10, and I hope you enjoy yourself!
For this year, I'm making the same sort of list of things to do. There are a lot of things that I didn't do in 2009 that I really wanted to get done. Some of thie things that I really had sought to accomplish, I would say that I failed at. On the other hand, I gave myself a chance to succeed where a lot of other people just do not. I put so many things on my list, some of which I had already started to accomplish, I cheated, yes, but I did things in 2009 that I set out to do.
I'm hoping to roll what little success that I had last year into more success for this next one.
Top 10
Run a Marathon
Find gainful employment
Own my own car
More time with God
Noticable character changes
Teach a church class
Repay much of my debt
Get my own place
Finish my book
Go on a mission
The idea isn't to make a list of things that are done easily. I am not someone who historically has done things the easy way. My life fell apart once and I gave up on who I was. It hurts to admit but who I became over the last few years is someone that I wouldn't have been friends with growing up. I wish to change who people see me as, but more important, I wish to change who I see myeslf as. So cheers to 2K10, and I hope you enjoy yourself!
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