I opted out of the word "tis" because I don't want this to become a habit for me. This morning I learned that a very close friend of mine passed away. That is not the main point of my writing today, but I think I want to share some things about it.
I don't deal with death... well. I would leave off the end of that, but everyone has to live through the death of other people. You don't just get to sit down and say, "it ends right here for me". I used to be the one that made jokes, then I was the one that got angry, as I've gotten older, I've learned different ways to move past people that I care about that are moving on.
Sitting in my house after working around the guys today, I'm still the daily living coach for Mark 2 Ministries, I have observed how they cope with this loss. Some of them want to be alone, some want to be with people, and some make inappropriate comments that don't sit well. I began to strum on my guitar, I don't play well, but I do have a few songs that I've been trying to learn for a while now. One just happened to be "Silent Night". It's a classic Christmas song about the birth of Jesus.
Understanding washed over me and I realized that Christmas is the time that gives people hope to live on when the ones we love have gone before us. I know that death isn't the end and that I will get to be with my friend again. For the time being, it is still a painful loss, but there is hope in the one that came to set us free. To give us hope in his life, and the time of year is here and now that we celebrate his coming.
I suspect that I will break down and cry at some point today, but for now, I'm hanging on by a thread, distracting myself with the work that I have to do because I don't know what else to do. It reminded me of Paul in the story immediately following Jesus' death. Paul was the one who had ample reason to be ashamed of his actions the day of Jesus' death, he denied him. But he realized that he was still a follower and instead of walking away from Jesus, he walked back. By doing what? By doing what he knew how to do. He was a fisherman, so he went fishing, and Jesus appeared on the shore in the midst of his work. I'm going to carry out what I know to do and do that job that I can, and hopefully it will give Jesus a chance to show up on my shore.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The things you don't want to
There are things in your life that you just don't want to do. Some of things you can't admit to, and even struggle with yourself to find another reality because the truth of it is just too much to bear. I've struggled with one of these lies for far too long and have recently decided that enough is enough. I'm not a convincing liar. I never really was, so the fact the I deluded myself for so long just proves to me that I might be more than a little crazy.
I've put words to it. I've admitted that I have a weakness and now am taking steps to rid myself of this issue. If you're only reading at this point to know what the issue is, I'm sorry, but I won't reveal it at this time. Maybe down the road when it isn't such a fresh wound will I take off the bandage and show people the scar of what has held me captive for so long.
That last line above just flowed quite clearly because I know that I'm not doing this alone. When you fall on your face and realize that you aren't as strong as you once thought yourself, you are not at your weakest. If anything, this is one of the true strengths of the human spirit. Only when we are weak are we truly strong enough to go before the one that is here to set captives free.
He waits. He calls softly and waits. It is up to you to realize that Jesus is always by your side and never leaves or forsakes you. Leave your pride at the door, because once you go to him, you will be broken.
I was spanked as a child... some people reading this are probably saying to themselves that this explains a lot, well it does. My dad never spanked my in his anger. I've been told again and again that I carry the same anger that he does and I have struggled at times to keep it in check. I have flown off the handle to a point that I've scared people that have known me for years, worse... I've scared myself. I've looked at someone in a blood rage and just wanted them to cower before me in the pain that I wanted to inflict upon them.
This same rage comes from somewhere... I guess from my dad. I've never seen him like this. So I know that if it had come out when I was being punished, he would easily have knocked me through a wall. Instead, he punished mostly to get our attention. In such a loving way, our Savior, Jesus, punishes us. He allows us to inflict it on ourselves, which is the worst punishment I can imagine. I'm always the worst to myself. You can't bring your ire against me the way that I can bring it against me.
I'm sheltered. I'm afraid. I'm not alone. I have the best support system in the universe. Ask me about his sometime. He might just surprise you at how well he already knows you and how much he already loves you.
I've put words to it. I've admitted that I have a weakness and now am taking steps to rid myself of this issue. If you're only reading at this point to know what the issue is, I'm sorry, but I won't reveal it at this time. Maybe down the road when it isn't such a fresh wound will I take off the bandage and show people the scar of what has held me captive for so long.
That last line above just flowed quite clearly because I know that I'm not doing this alone. When you fall on your face and realize that you aren't as strong as you once thought yourself, you are not at your weakest. If anything, this is one of the true strengths of the human spirit. Only when we are weak are we truly strong enough to go before the one that is here to set captives free.
He waits. He calls softly and waits. It is up to you to realize that Jesus is always by your side and never leaves or forsakes you. Leave your pride at the door, because once you go to him, you will be broken.
I was spanked as a child... some people reading this are probably saying to themselves that this explains a lot, well it does. My dad never spanked my in his anger. I've been told again and again that I carry the same anger that he does and I have struggled at times to keep it in check. I have flown off the handle to a point that I've scared people that have known me for years, worse... I've scared myself. I've looked at someone in a blood rage and just wanted them to cower before me in the pain that I wanted to inflict upon them.
This same rage comes from somewhere... I guess from my dad. I've never seen him like this. So I know that if it had come out when I was being punished, he would easily have knocked me through a wall. Instead, he punished mostly to get our attention. In such a loving way, our Savior, Jesus, punishes us. He allows us to inflict it on ourselves, which is the worst punishment I can imagine. I'm always the worst to myself. You can't bring your ire against me the way that I can bring it against me.
I'm sheltered. I'm afraid. I'm not alone. I have the best support system in the universe. Ask me about his sometime. He might just surprise you at how well he already knows you and how much he already loves you.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Back Burns
The hillside outside of my house is black. Fires raged through this camp burning just about anything that was burnable a few weeks back and it left as much as a third of the camp a charred and black, sooty mess. Some of the camp wasn't burned as a result of the lightning storms, but because of back burns. This is about those fires.
I watched them start around 5 in the afternoon and they burned much into the evening. Some of which I watched from the back of a Polaris 700. An ATV that had so much power, I thought it would come alive and buck me off on a few occasions. I rode patrol up and back on the main road, checking and double checking the groups that were keeping a watch at the road to make sure the fire didn't jump to the main part of camp.
It seemed a waste to watch so much land burn without any reason why. They claim they needed to stop the fire somewhere and the road was the most readily available place to do that. These burns especially tore through areas that I was starting to explore a bit more freely.
What are my hikes going to look like in the months to come. Until the rains really start the grass can start to grow back, I'm going to be left trudging through a depressing landscape with little to mark the passage but burned out trees and tufts of dead grass. It doesn't look the same as before, but adventure, new adventures is what is the best part of hiking. Maybe something exciting will come from it. Only time will tell.
I watched them start around 5 in the afternoon and they burned much into the evening. Some of which I watched from the back of a Polaris 700. An ATV that had so much power, I thought it would come alive and buck me off on a few occasions. I rode patrol up and back on the main road, checking and double checking the groups that were keeping a watch at the road to make sure the fire didn't jump to the main part of camp.
It seemed a waste to watch so much land burn without any reason why. They claim they needed to stop the fire somewhere and the road was the most readily available place to do that. These burns especially tore through areas that I was starting to explore a bit more freely.
What are my hikes going to look like in the months to come. Until the rains really start the grass can start to grow back, I'm going to be left trudging through a depressing landscape with little to mark the passage but burned out trees and tufts of dead grass. It doesn't look the same as before, but adventure, new adventures is what is the best part of hiking. Maybe something exciting will come from it. Only time will tell.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Fire Crew
It was a normal Wednesday. As normal as you can find living in a Young Life camp in the middle of nowhere. One of the guys had family in camp and it was a pizza night, just like every Wednesday. We were sitting in the house, preparing for bible study when flashes of light started shooting out of the sky and landing all around us. The percussion of some of these blasts shook buildings, scared animals, and started fires.
As the camp was scrambling people to get them to fire lines, and protect the villages, Mark 2 was scrambling to fuel villages in case of an evacuation. Camp staff managed to control the nearest of the many fires around property and we never had to evacuate, but that didn't mean the danger to the camp was over.
That night I asked, begged, pleaded to go out on fire crews but was told that I needed to stay in camp in case we needed to drive to guys to a place of safety. I was frustrated watching vehicles drive up seldom used roads in and around camp. I guess my boss had a valid point, but I would rather have been out on lines.
With the end of the day Thursday, however, there became urgent need of more and more people to man the lines. I was officially on my weekend and I could do what I wanted, so I went to war. A paniced voice hollered out over the radio calling for every available body to man lines. I was ready and available and hadn't been out all the night before so I was fresh legs.
It turns out that your legs will carry you even when your body doesn't want them to. You can walk up and down hills fighting fire until you are about ready to drop from fatigue. Looking in to the eyes of guys that hadn't slept in almost two days, you could tell they would still willingly walk up another hill even if their body was screaming for rest. Several people were indeed sent home and more of the camp staff showed up for fire crews as the weekend approached. It was a new battle, they had fresh crews.
So up and down, through smoke, through fire, through burned out remains of forrest that I used to enjoy on my hikes, I walked. Much of the time carrying an extra 60 pounds of gear, but I never seemed to tire. Something was lending strength to not just me, but everyone. Looking back on it now, it's quite clear that much of what strength we didn't have to use was coming from God.
The terrain around camp is steep. The actual camp is the lowest spot on the property and it was rather easy to keep the fires from spreading into the camp proper, but that doesn't mean the lines didn't run up and down ridges surrounding the camp. I spent the better part of two days perched on a hill above what is called West Village. It's a mostly abandon part of camp that was in use recently for the contractors as they built the new Creekside camp.
On one side of the hill was a clear view of the houses, on the other was the smoking remains of a juniper forrest that was burned out and still trying to smolder back to life. I've dug myself knee deep in hot ash to save trees that it didn't matter if they burned or not, and many of them still did. As of right now, the fire on that ridge has not spread.
Unfortunately, with that victory, and a few others around camp, there is a large section in the southeast of camp that we can do nothing about right now. There are crews up fighting it as I type and the land is not friendly to the unexperienced hiker. I enjoy the tops of these hills that are burning now, but never the hike to them. Fires are clearly visible from my house, and the ridgelines were glowing last night with encroaching fire. I'm off the line today, as I had to go back to work, but that doesn't mean there aren't 50 other people up cutting lines in the earth to hold back the inferno.
As the camp was scrambling people to get them to fire lines, and protect the villages, Mark 2 was scrambling to fuel villages in case of an evacuation. Camp staff managed to control the nearest of the many fires around property and we never had to evacuate, but that didn't mean the danger to the camp was over.
That night I asked, begged, pleaded to go out on fire crews but was told that I needed to stay in camp in case we needed to drive to guys to a place of safety. I was frustrated watching vehicles drive up seldom used roads in and around camp. I guess my boss had a valid point, but I would rather have been out on lines.
With the end of the day Thursday, however, there became urgent need of more and more people to man the lines. I was officially on my weekend and I could do what I wanted, so I went to war. A paniced voice hollered out over the radio calling for every available body to man lines. I was ready and available and hadn't been out all the night before so I was fresh legs.
It turns out that your legs will carry you even when your body doesn't want them to. You can walk up and down hills fighting fire until you are about ready to drop from fatigue. Looking in to the eyes of guys that hadn't slept in almost two days, you could tell they would still willingly walk up another hill even if their body was screaming for rest. Several people were indeed sent home and more of the camp staff showed up for fire crews as the weekend approached. It was a new battle, they had fresh crews.
So up and down, through smoke, through fire, through burned out remains of forrest that I used to enjoy on my hikes, I walked. Much of the time carrying an extra 60 pounds of gear, but I never seemed to tire. Something was lending strength to not just me, but everyone. Looking back on it now, it's quite clear that much of what strength we didn't have to use was coming from God.
The terrain around camp is steep. The actual camp is the lowest spot on the property and it was rather easy to keep the fires from spreading into the camp proper, but that doesn't mean the lines didn't run up and down ridges surrounding the camp. I spent the better part of two days perched on a hill above what is called West Village. It's a mostly abandon part of camp that was in use recently for the contractors as they built the new Creekside camp.
On one side of the hill was a clear view of the houses, on the other was the smoking remains of a juniper forrest that was burned out and still trying to smolder back to life. I've dug myself knee deep in hot ash to save trees that it didn't matter if they burned or not, and many of them still did. As of right now, the fire on that ridge has not spread.
Unfortunately, with that victory, and a few others around camp, there is a large section in the southeast of camp that we can do nothing about right now. There are crews up fighting it as I type and the land is not friendly to the unexperienced hiker. I enjoy the tops of these hills that are burning now, but never the hike to them. Fires are clearly visible from my house, and the ridgelines were glowing last night with encroaching fire. I'm off the line today, as I had to go back to work, but that doesn't mean there aren't 50 other people up cutting lines in the earth to hold back the inferno.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Changing Events
Sometimes it seems like the world doesn't turn in my direction. It seems like I can't get ahead and the harder I try the worse things get for me. I struggle with friends, faith, relationships, family, any number of things, because I always need to control the way things are going. I'm sure all 3 of you who ever read this will agree that the tighter you hold on to something, the faster it slips away.
I've finally given up trying to hold on to things and look what happens, they start to fall in to place. The last few weeks have been a living hell. I'm not sleeping, it's hard to eat, my stomach/chest/head is constantly hurting, and I'm pretty sure that I had a panic attack last week. If I didn't know my body that well I would be more worried that it was a heart attack, but it was just chest pains caused by stress and becoming overwhelmed with my life.
Today while sitting by the pool over at Creekside, I had a good conversation with a friend of mine. We managed to talk for about a half hour and I had nothing bad to say about my life. It was then that I realized that I'm letting myself not worry about the day to day flow of events and just letting things happen. The universe doens't just run itself so it must be something else that is steering me around and through the squabbles of this crazy exhistance.
I'm glad to say for the first time, truly, since I've moved to Antelope, I am letting God steer my life. He was instrumental in my move to the property and many of the events in my life up to that point, but once I got into the roll I"m in now, I stepped on the brake and said that's far enough God, I'm driving, get in the passenger seat.
It only took getting scared. I don't scare easily and that's all it took. Just a few days and again I'm comfortable, I managed to sleep, and my body is actually acting like I'm young. I plan on being around for a few years yet, I believe I told a friend of mine a month ago I was going to make it to 96. I have a ways yet.
PS I have permission to use the photo from the owner. :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
August
It's coming down to the end of the summer and things are just going a bit crazy around me. With assignment teams for the camp coming and going, there is a constant stream of people moving in and out of my life. I feel like there is never really time to get to know any of them before they are gone, to further complicate things, my job change has moved me to the very edge of camp where I spend most of my days. I rarely venture as far as the main camp and almost never venture to the middle school camp, so my life has become a bit isolated.
I didn't realize how much until this morning. Wednesdays are my day to job coach for the guys in the morning. I supervise their work and make sure that they are on task and continue to work in a fashion that both helps them and the camp. An order came in to the Iron Kettle (dining hall) and we helped them put it away. It was a small order, and therefore didn't take much time, but the little time that I got to spend helping them out felt like a mini vacation from the cooking and cleaning that I do every other day of the week.
Backing up a little to the assignment teams, they aren't the only people that are fixing to leave. Here in the first part of September, there will be a number of staff people that leave property. The end of the summer is joined by the end of a job for kitchen and grounds staff, some of which I've become very good friends with, mainly because they have been here so much longer.
Looking forward a bit, once the summer ends, my job will change further. They guys will have an easier time of work and my day will almost exclusively be spent in the Mark 2 area of camp. I won't leave unless I have business elsewhere, but I won't really ever have business elsewhere. What will my isolation look like then?
I've made some new friends, and many of them will be here longer than I am, so I'm not too worried about my island. I will be isolated, but I have God. He's been enough help to get me here in the first place and will continue to provide me with the guidance that I need in the months to come. I need to focus on what he needs me to do and listen carefully to learn the things he is trying to teach me. After all, I will be on an island and will have plenty of time to hear.
I didn't realize how much until this morning. Wednesdays are my day to job coach for the guys in the morning. I supervise their work and make sure that they are on task and continue to work in a fashion that both helps them and the camp. An order came in to the Iron Kettle (dining hall) and we helped them put it away. It was a small order, and therefore didn't take much time, but the little time that I got to spend helping them out felt like a mini vacation from the cooking and cleaning that I do every other day of the week.
Backing up a little to the assignment teams, they aren't the only people that are fixing to leave. Here in the first part of September, there will be a number of staff people that leave property. The end of the summer is joined by the end of a job for kitchen and grounds staff, some of which I've become very good friends with, mainly because they have been here so much longer.
Looking forward a bit, once the summer ends, my job will change further. They guys will have an easier time of work and my day will almost exclusively be spent in the Mark 2 area of camp. I won't leave unless I have business elsewhere, but I won't really ever have business elsewhere. What will my isolation look like then?
I've made some new friends, and many of them will be here longer than I am, so I'm not too worried about my island. I will be isolated, but I have God. He's been enough help to get me here in the first place and will continue to provide me with the guidance that I need in the months to come. I need to focus on what he needs me to do and listen carefully to learn the things he is trying to teach me. After all, I will be on an island and will have plenty of time to hear.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A Quarter or two for $15
Part of my job is just way too interesting to explain, so you would have to experience it for yourself to really get the scope of what I get to take part in every day. The men that I work with have limited understanding of this life and part of my job is going to them, understanding the world the way that they do and finding a way for them to exist in a world that takes advantage of their limited world view.
I had an excellent opportunity to learn about one of my guys the other day. It has come to my attention, that Alex, a man of 21 years, can't count, has no concept of what money is worth and further, doesn't know what the symbols on the bills mean exactly.
A little bit of a back story here. I'm basically the den mother in the guys house these days. I cook and clean, pick up after them, help them with their individual chores, and basically get them through each day while trying to teach them to be more self reliant than they were in the first place. Getting them to pick up after themselves has been one of the biggest chores for me. I spend a lot of time moving shoes and clothes out of the way, so finally I came up with a simple solution. Any clothing or shoes that are not put away properly become the property of the house, and they can buy them back for a quarter.
The other day, Alex left his shoes in the middle of the walkway, and not only are they a hazard to him, he has Cerebral Palsy, they are in the way of the other guys and therefore become property of the house. I don't go out of my way to take their things from them. The rule has been in effect for 3 weeks now and I've only collected about $2. He learned quickly to put his shoes away when he takes them off, but on this instance, he did not.
I took them and he could buy them back for 50 cents. I told him as much and he complained about not being able to go to the movie with the other guys because we were going to have all his money. This did not make sense to me and Joe looked as confused as I felt. Joe has taken over as the job coach for the guys when I moved to the daily living duties. My failure was thinking that Alex understood how much money he had and that the fine was not going to break his bank. He grumbled and stumbled upstairs and we could hear him fumbling around for a minute. He stomped down the stairs and walking into the kitchen to hand me his money.
I want to draw your attention to a previous paragraph. Remember how Alex can't read, now look at the title of this blog. By this point you probably have figured out that he handed me a $10 and a $5, thinking that this was the cost of getting his shoes back. It then made sense why he thought he was not going to have the money for the movie (we pay for that for him) and helped me realize that they think in a different fashion than I do.
Instead of taking the offered $15, I went upstairs with Alex and showed him what we meant by 50 cents, and it was a simple matter of quarters being the "silver" coins. Now I have to watch out for dimes and nickels being replaced with quarters as he doesn't know the difference, but at least I can see one thing that he thinks differently on. I need to simplify a lot of my thinking to connect with him, but at least I have a starting point.
I had an excellent opportunity to learn about one of my guys the other day. It has come to my attention, that Alex, a man of 21 years, can't count, has no concept of what money is worth and further, doesn't know what the symbols on the bills mean exactly.
A little bit of a back story here. I'm basically the den mother in the guys house these days. I cook and clean, pick up after them, help them with their individual chores, and basically get them through each day while trying to teach them to be more self reliant than they were in the first place. Getting them to pick up after themselves has been one of the biggest chores for me. I spend a lot of time moving shoes and clothes out of the way, so finally I came up with a simple solution. Any clothing or shoes that are not put away properly become the property of the house, and they can buy them back for a quarter.
The other day, Alex left his shoes in the middle of the walkway, and not only are they a hazard to him, he has Cerebral Palsy, they are in the way of the other guys and therefore become property of the house. I don't go out of my way to take their things from them. The rule has been in effect for 3 weeks now and I've only collected about $2. He learned quickly to put his shoes away when he takes them off, but on this instance, he did not.
I took them and he could buy them back for 50 cents. I told him as much and he complained about not being able to go to the movie with the other guys because we were going to have all his money. This did not make sense to me and Joe looked as confused as I felt. Joe has taken over as the job coach for the guys when I moved to the daily living duties. My failure was thinking that Alex understood how much money he had and that the fine was not going to break his bank. He grumbled and stumbled upstairs and we could hear him fumbling around for a minute. He stomped down the stairs and walking into the kitchen to hand me his money.
I want to draw your attention to a previous paragraph. Remember how Alex can't read, now look at the title of this blog. By this point you probably have figured out that he handed me a $10 and a $5, thinking that this was the cost of getting his shoes back. It then made sense why he thought he was not going to have the money for the movie (we pay for that for him) and helped me realize that they think in a different fashion than I do.
Instead of taking the offered $15, I went upstairs with Alex and showed him what we meant by 50 cents, and it was a simple matter of quarters being the "silver" coins. Now I have to watch out for dimes and nickels being replaced with quarters as he doesn't know the difference, but at least I can see one thing that he thinks differently on. I need to simplify a lot of my thinking to connect with him, but at least I have a starting point.
Feeling Gross feels so Good!
It only take a mile. Sometimes not even that much and I start to sweat. I think I should head back and talk about the history of my life up to this spectacular moment. I am a runner. I run miles and miles, and sometimes I don't run miles at all. In my day, the ones that I was a track star, I ran hurdles, and a quarter mile was about all that I ever ran. Thinking back on that glorious moment of my life, I enjoyed so much the feeling of being utterly spent and just laying on the ground... just done.
Just done... that is such an odd way to feel. Not often in your life will you feel this way and be completely happy about your inability to move even the smallest of your muscles. The decathalon was the hardest thing I ever accomplished, and I did it the best that I could. Today, I realize things that I could have done different and it's unfortunate, but I can't go back and change them, all I can do is go forward.
The other day, I went for a run. Running never bothered me, I can run. And I can run for a long time, even after a long absence from the activitiy. 3 miles is just a good stretch of the legs, and unfortunately, I picked a day that the temp had climbed into the 90's. When you are a little out of shape and you go running on a hot day, you are going to sweat.
When I got done I felt gross. That feeling you get when you've been working all day and you can feel the grime between your toes, on your back, just chilling out, and then the worst of all, you feel gross in your mouth because you started to sweat in places that you didn't think you could sweat in. I fell great.
In my life I have pushed my body to the outer limit of it's endurance. I have tried to break it in so many ways, but I have been up to task on all of them. What I am usually left with is that feeling when you have sweat just a little too much and want to shower in the worst way. It feels great, I can't get enough and I must run more, I must push myself more, and I have to feel that moment, when I am utterly spent and my body is crying out, "quit" and I tell it to shut the hell up because I love this.
Just done... that is such an odd way to feel. Not often in your life will you feel this way and be completely happy about your inability to move even the smallest of your muscles. The decathalon was the hardest thing I ever accomplished, and I did it the best that I could. Today, I realize things that I could have done different and it's unfortunate, but I can't go back and change them, all I can do is go forward.
The other day, I went for a run. Running never bothered me, I can run. And I can run for a long time, even after a long absence from the activitiy. 3 miles is just a good stretch of the legs, and unfortunately, I picked a day that the temp had climbed into the 90's. When you are a little out of shape and you go running on a hot day, you are going to sweat.
When I got done I felt gross. That feeling you get when you've been working all day and you can feel the grime between your toes, on your back, just chilling out, and then the worst of all, you feel gross in your mouth because you started to sweat in places that you didn't think you could sweat in. I fell great.
In my life I have pushed my body to the outer limit of it's endurance. I have tried to break it in so many ways, but I have been up to task on all of them. What I am usually left with is that feeling when you have sweat just a little too much and want to shower in the worst way. It feels great, I can't get enough and I must run more, I must push myself more, and I have to feel that moment, when I am utterly spent and my body is crying out, "quit" and I tell it to shut the hell up because I love this.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Mark 2 Outing
It's Tuesday. I had a hard time rolling out of bed this morning because every muscle in my body is screaming in agony because of it's over-use yesterday. Ok, so not every muscle, but my back, shoulders, and arms are all about useless. I'm finding in hard to do simple things like wash my hair in the shower or even pick up a fork to eat. They are simply done.
You must be asking yourself why? We went rafting. In any normal group of people, I would make sure that I got to sit in the front of the boat, but on this trip, I didn't get a choice. We had 3 people on the paddles, plus the guide. It was a boat big enough for 8, we had 6, and 2 of them weren't eaven rowing.
To the river we go. It started out pleasent enough, it was some slow moving water, not much of a current and we were learning the commands so we would know what to do if we got into a situation that required a bunch of commands in a row. The other boats and ours got into some splash fights and we got a small cooling down from the mild spray that was bounced into our raft.
Then the fun began. For a little over 3 hours we had slow currents, fast rapids, some swimmers (both volunteer and not), waves pouring over the side and a complete drenching of everything that you had on. I didn't bother taking off my shirt when I climbed into the water at one point because it was soaking wet anyway.
A visiting volunteer was accompanying us because of extra spots that we had in the boats. Alan was taking great joy in watching every wave that came over the front of the boat land right in my lap. He was damp, but nothing compared to the complete dousing that I had taken... until... Coming into the biggest rapid on the trip, our boat took a sudden lurch to the left. A wall of water, like Moses parting the red sea, dove over the front of the boat and I was convinced I was going swimming. At the last second, the current caught the boat and we lurched to the left, throwing Alan from his seat, almost throwing Robby from the boat, and landing the full force of the wave right into... not my chest. I was missed by almost the full wave of water. Alan however, was not so lucky. He could not have been more completely soaked by the wave that washed over him. There was nothing dry on him left to be found.
As much joy as I took in watching him get drenched, I later took the full force of a wave right in my face and came through sputtering incoherently. Robby road through a rapid on the outside of the boat, on purpose, and Mike seemed to enjoy just being out on the water.
Sunburned and with a story to tell, we had lunch at the Imperial Restraunt in Maupin, then headed home. My food sitting heavy in my stomach, my eyes barely remained open to get us home and there was little complaint from anyone when it became time for lights out. They/We were exhausted.
You must be asking yourself why? We went rafting. In any normal group of people, I would make sure that I got to sit in the front of the boat, but on this trip, I didn't get a choice. We had 3 people on the paddles, plus the guide. It was a boat big enough for 8, we had 6, and 2 of them weren't eaven rowing.
To the river we go. It started out pleasent enough, it was some slow moving water, not much of a current and we were learning the commands so we would know what to do if we got into a situation that required a bunch of commands in a row. The other boats and ours got into some splash fights and we got a small cooling down from the mild spray that was bounced into our raft.
Then the fun began. For a little over 3 hours we had slow currents, fast rapids, some swimmers (both volunteer and not), waves pouring over the side and a complete drenching of everything that you had on. I didn't bother taking off my shirt when I climbed into the water at one point because it was soaking wet anyway.
A visiting volunteer was accompanying us because of extra spots that we had in the boats. Alan was taking great joy in watching every wave that came over the front of the boat land right in my lap. He was damp, but nothing compared to the complete dousing that I had taken... until... Coming into the biggest rapid on the trip, our boat took a sudden lurch to the left. A wall of water, like Moses parting the red sea, dove over the front of the boat and I was convinced I was going swimming. At the last second, the current caught the boat and we lurched to the left, throwing Alan from his seat, almost throwing Robby from the boat, and landing the full force of the wave right into... not my chest. I was missed by almost the full wave of water. Alan however, was not so lucky. He could not have been more completely soaked by the wave that washed over him. There was nothing dry on him left to be found.
As much joy as I took in watching him get drenched, I later took the full force of a wave right in my face and came through sputtering incoherently. Robby road through a rapid on the outside of the boat, on purpose, and Mike seemed to enjoy just being out on the water.
Sunburned and with a story to tell, we had lunch at the Imperial Restraunt in Maupin, then headed home. My food sitting heavy in my stomach, my eyes barely remained open to get us home and there was little complaint from anyone when it became time for lights out. They/We were exhausted.
Friday, July 8, 2011
In a Mood
Occasionally, I get in a funky mood and I really have no answer to any of the feelings that are running around through me. Tonight is one of those nights. I hold out hope for a future and sometimes believe that I can see that future, but then, sometimes it's so clouded that I don't understand how I can see anything at all.
I live in a desert. I've mentioned the desert many times to many different people, but I'm starting to see that it's a place to grow. In the book "Dune", one character says, God made Arrakis to train the faithful. "Arrakis" is a desert planet. Very little lives on it and the way of life for the people of the planet is a scratched out exhistance among desert cliffs and a few sinks that keep away the sweltering heat.
The desert, in this book, is always a place of learning, of growing. The desert? I seem to see a lot of desert lately. There are many places in the bible that mention the desert. Sometimes it is a group of people wandering (Israel, Abraham), sometimes you have someone headed out for 40 days, which seems to be significant. All in all, the desert is a place of learning, but I don't want to learn, I want to live and to experience.
Now here I am. I want to be so much further ahead than where God has me right now, but I must wait. It's why I'm in this mood tonight, I believe. There are a hundred scenarios that are going to make me thrilled to be me, but there are just as many that are hammering on me that I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with them. But there is nothing that I can do. I must trust that God is going to take care of me, no matter how much pain I seem to go through at the time.
I live in a desert. I've mentioned the desert many times to many different people, but I'm starting to see that it's a place to grow. In the book "Dune", one character says, God made Arrakis to train the faithful. "Arrakis" is a desert planet. Very little lives on it and the way of life for the people of the planet is a scratched out exhistance among desert cliffs and a few sinks that keep away the sweltering heat.
The desert, in this book, is always a place of learning, of growing. The desert? I seem to see a lot of desert lately. There are many places in the bible that mention the desert. Sometimes it is a group of people wandering (Israel, Abraham), sometimes you have someone headed out for 40 days, which seems to be significant. All in all, the desert is a place of learning, but I don't want to learn, I want to live and to experience.
Now here I am. I want to be so much further ahead than where God has me right now, but I must wait. It's why I'm in this mood tonight, I believe. There are a hundred scenarios that are going to make me thrilled to be me, but there are just as many that are hammering on me that I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with them. But there is nothing that I can do. I must trust that God is going to take care of me, no matter how much pain I seem to go through at the time.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Warfare
The text of this blog is even a mystery to me. I have a friend that asked me for my notes from a church service this past Sunday and instead of just haphazard notes that aren't going to make sense to anyone, I've decided to insert my opinion and expound on them as best I can. There will also be several ideas that come from other sermons that I have heard recently on warfare.
Love and War, these are two principles that I struggle with when it comes to my spiritual walk. I will talk about love another time, I'm focusing today on warfare or the spiritual variety. The Pastor this past Sunday started off with a comment about people convincing themselves that God doesn't love them or isn't real or... something to that effect. It made me curious to see where he was going with the sermon because he spent several minutes telling the congregation that what he was speaking was going to be Truth to him and I could argue if I so choose, but it was as God had spoken to him for the meaning.
I was a little worried, not sure what kind of church I was in, I was visiting some people after all. I wondered the man's opinion on spritual warfare. I've heard a little bit about it and have even been taught how a little bit. I know I don't battle enough and struggle through some things that I really shouldn't. I was under the impression he was ignoring the greater battle that was going on all around us. We are beings that exist on two planes and therefore must protect ourselves on two planes. The seen world, the one we live in, it's easy to protect yourself from the dangers. A speeding car, violent gangs, drugs, Grandma's meatloaf, things are pretty well visible that you should avoid.
The other side of our existance is fought on another plane. We can protect ourselves from the evils of this spiritual world because we are bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ. I've heard it likened to a Police officer pulling you over. You don't stop for the man that is pulling you over, but for the authority that he carries in the badge on his chest. A few calls can get any number of authorities in pursuit of you. In the same sense, all of us walk around with a blood colored badge that protects us from powers and principalities that are trying to destroy us. Stand before a tide of demons and they will laugh and mock you, but pull out that badge and they are then in the presence of THE Divine. They cannot stand against the creator, even they must steer clear of his wrath.
Spiritual Warfare is essentially walking around holding up your badge so the darkness does not overwhelm you. Whether we believe it or not, God is at war with the Devil. Once you signed on and said "yes, I'm going to follow Jesus", you enlisted in this war. You have the best defense there is, you have God on your side. There is nothing greater, nothing stronger, nothing that can stand against his awesome power. It's a continuing process though. You don't just get to hold up your badge once and say, stand back Satan!! He lies, cheats, steals, and he knows you. He finds the cracks in your armor and he strikes hard. We must continue to actively battle. You don't just get to stop after winning one skirmish. Satan is out to bring you down and he doesn't fight fair.
If you are reading this still, at some point in our lives, our path's have crossed and I mean enough to you that you will read something that I write. Nehemiah 4:14 says "Don't be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives and your homes." I don't have a family, but I know that doesn't excuse me from the fight. I pray for my brothers and after that, I likely pray for you, specifically by name. I fight for you the way I would for my own family. Don't sit back and let yourself be a casual Christian, fight!! A phalanx works best when all are fighting side by side.
Love and War, these are two principles that I struggle with when it comes to my spiritual walk. I will talk about love another time, I'm focusing today on warfare or the spiritual variety. The Pastor this past Sunday started off with a comment about people convincing themselves that God doesn't love them or isn't real or... something to that effect. It made me curious to see where he was going with the sermon because he spent several minutes telling the congregation that what he was speaking was going to be Truth to him and I could argue if I so choose, but it was as God had spoken to him for the meaning.
I was a little worried, not sure what kind of church I was in, I was visiting some people after all. I wondered the man's opinion on spritual warfare. I've heard a little bit about it and have even been taught how a little bit. I know I don't battle enough and struggle through some things that I really shouldn't. I was under the impression he was ignoring the greater battle that was going on all around us. We are beings that exist on two planes and therefore must protect ourselves on two planes. The seen world, the one we live in, it's easy to protect yourself from the dangers. A speeding car, violent gangs, drugs, Grandma's meatloaf, things are pretty well visible that you should avoid.
The other side of our existance is fought on another plane. We can protect ourselves from the evils of this spiritual world because we are bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ. I've heard it likened to a Police officer pulling you over. You don't stop for the man that is pulling you over, but for the authority that he carries in the badge on his chest. A few calls can get any number of authorities in pursuit of you. In the same sense, all of us walk around with a blood colored badge that protects us from powers and principalities that are trying to destroy us. Stand before a tide of demons and they will laugh and mock you, but pull out that badge and they are then in the presence of THE Divine. They cannot stand against the creator, even they must steer clear of his wrath.
Spiritual Warfare is essentially walking around holding up your badge so the darkness does not overwhelm you. Whether we believe it or not, God is at war with the Devil. Once you signed on and said "yes, I'm going to follow Jesus", you enlisted in this war. You have the best defense there is, you have God on your side. There is nothing greater, nothing stronger, nothing that can stand against his awesome power. It's a continuing process though. You don't just get to hold up your badge once and say, stand back Satan!! He lies, cheats, steals, and he knows you. He finds the cracks in your armor and he strikes hard. We must continue to actively battle. You don't just get to stop after winning one skirmish. Satan is out to bring you down and he doesn't fight fair.
If you are reading this still, at some point in our lives, our path's have crossed and I mean enough to you that you will read something that I write. Nehemiah 4:14 says "Don't be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives and your homes." I don't have a family, but I know that doesn't excuse me from the fight. I pray for my brothers and after that, I likely pray for you, specifically by name. I fight for you the way I would for my own family. Don't sit back and let yourself be a casual Christian, fight!! A phalanx works best when all are fighting side by side.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Scenic Viewpoints
Driving north out of Antelope, Oregon, there is very little to see but rolling hills and a few ghost towns. You might see some cattle here and there, maybe a deer. Today while driving, I pulled my car to a stop next to a doe that just started at me for a minute until I drove off. It's a grassland. There is even a town named "Grass Valley" on the drive. The hills are unbroken stretches of mound in all directions and with the exception of a few places that are heavy to the lavender, are brownish green. Grasses that haven't quite been informed that it is summer and they need to turn to the washed out shades that many come to expect from summer in Central Oregon.
Along the Columbia Gorge, it's a different story. There are still the rolling grassy hills, but there are also very lush evergreen forests standing along the river in many places. Some so thick that you can't see the river from just a few hundred feet away. Climbing up out of the gorge on the Washington side, I noticed a few places that were scenic viewpoints. Not really thinking anything of it, I drove on. The view is going to be the same from the car as it is from outside the car, you can just look for longer when you're stopped.
I made my way North this weekend to Seattle and travelled over Snoqualmie pass. Along that pass there are not a few places to pull off and look at mountains and rivers and lakes. Things that I would truly be more interested in. The views weren't obstructed by the ever present gloom of a cloudy day, so I enjoyed some of these views myself.
Travelling back I took no notice of the mountains, I was in a zone. I wanted to get home. After 4 hours in the car, I got to the gorge and while driving down into the valley, I noticed these viewpoints again. Looking out over the edge of the cliff, I also noticed the rolling hills that they were looking at. Every one of them is dotted with windmills. Electic gathering windmills, not a single one of them was even spinning. There was plenty of wind, I had to fight my car along the road for much of the drive in, but viewpoints? What is the point? So you can see all these beautiful windmills that aren't even operating. At least from the freeway along the gorge, you can't hardly see the damns, and you definately can't see them for miles in every direction.
It has come to my attention that ODOT and my opinion of "scenic" are very different. I might pull off to look at things here and their, but I'll be very careful to make sure that it's something that I'm going to want to see.
Along the Columbia Gorge, it's a different story. There are still the rolling grassy hills, but there are also very lush evergreen forests standing along the river in many places. Some so thick that you can't see the river from just a few hundred feet away. Climbing up out of the gorge on the Washington side, I noticed a few places that were scenic viewpoints. Not really thinking anything of it, I drove on. The view is going to be the same from the car as it is from outside the car, you can just look for longer when you're stopped.
I made my way North this weekend to Seattle and travelled over Snoqualmie pass. Along that pass there are not a few places to pull off and look at mountains and rivers and lakes. Things that I would truly be more interested in. The views weren't obstructed by the ever present gloom of a cloudy day, so I enjoyed some of these views myself.
Travelling back I took no notice of the mountains, I was in a zone. I wanted to get home. After 4 hours in the car, I got to the gorge and while driving down into the valley, I noticed these viewpoints again. Looking out over the edge of the cliff, I also noticed the rolling hills that they were looking at. Every one of them is dotted with windmills. Electic gathering windmills, not a single one of them was even spinning. There was plenty of wind, I had to fight my car along the road for much of the drive in, but viewpoints? What is the point? So you can see all these beautiful windmills that aren't even operating. At least from the freeway along the gorge, you can't hardly see the damns, and you definately can't see them for miles in every direction.
It has come to my attention that ODOT and my opinion of "scenic" are very different. I might pull off to look at things here and their, but I'll be very careful to make sure that it's something that I'm going to want to see.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Awesome and Legendary
Like many of my blogs I got an idea and had no idea how to title it, then just a flashing moment I see something that reminds me or something and then of someone and then the title lands on the page. That's a lot of words to say absolutely nothing at all. I could have just said what I'm going to write about and then write, but it's just more fun this way.
Roads are windy and no matter where you are going, how far you have gone, or what route you take, there are always signs; miles to destination, railroad crossing, mile posts, etc. For winding roads called life, you really can only call your friends those posts. They come along at the right time to tell you where you are and where to go and in all other ways, keep you on the right path. I'm going to tell you about a couple of them. They aren't separately awesome and legendary, one of them once referred jokingly to himself as that, but they are both these things in their own way.
City League softball is one of my favorite things in the UNIVERSE. The world is just not big enough to encompass how much I enjoy playing that game. In the 4 or 5 years that I've played, I've moved from a right fielder to being short stop. Yes, this means that I have figured out how to field. I'm pretty fast, so even when I don't hit the ball well, often times I still can get on base. I love the game, I love to just compete and I love to make people go, "How the heck did he do that"? I played on a church team that gave me the chance to play next to one eccentric guy named Jeff Woodford. Jeff's dad was my high school math teacher that we affectionately called Woody. This tag mades it's way to Jeff as I got to know him a little bit.
Now Jeff played 3rd base. Once in a while we would both end up chasing a foul ball and I would have to call him off or someone would tell me to get the hell out of the way so he could make a play, but we spent a fair amount of time, on plays, in the same vicinity on the field. Joking and laughing, even a few times trying to make the other miss a routine ball. I don't know why I thought of this guy today, other than he made my life just a little bit better. He's truly a great friend and even though I currently live in the middle of no where, he doesn't live too far away. Sisters is a measly hour and a half away.
Friends are never cut from the same mold and one that I don't think was even cut from the same mountain is Daniel Lanning. Now Dan is the guy who is "Awesome and Legendary". Why? Because I said so, that's why!!! And don't you forget it. A few years ago Dan and I got reconnected after not seeing each other for about 8 years. He and I went to high school together, played football together, even had some classes, though he was the year ahead in school. We weren't great friends, but Dan being Dan, we were friends. He's very outgoing, was always headed in the ministry, so he was a walking talking relationship from the moment I met him.
Now, about a year ago, Dan was giving a message, and like all good Christians, I can't remember what it was about, but I do remember after he was introduced he said something to the effect that he hoped some day he would be introduced as "Awesome and Legendary". That sounds like a very arrogant statement to make, but Dan... well, Dan had a way with the expression that made it sound like a very humble offering. He hopes some day that he is mentioned in this fashion, but he wants it to be for the right reasons. It was a truly selfish statement said in a humble fashion that made it totally appropriate. For now and all time, to me, Dan is Awesome and Legendary.
I placed the tag line on this blog because like all my friends, these two are both, awesome and legendary. They are for very different reasons, but they have enriched my life and made it more abundant. They have shown me in their own ways how to be a great friend and forever will I appreciate their contribution to my life.
Roads are windy and no matter where you are going, how far you have gone, or what route you take, there are always signs; miles to destination, railroad crossing, mile posts, etc. For winding roads called life, you really can only call your friends those posts. They come along at the right time to tell you where you are and where to go and in all other ways, keep you on the right path. I'm going to tell you about a couple of them. They aren't separately awesome and legendary, one of them once referred jokingly to himself as that, but they are both these things in their own way.
City League softball is one of my favorite things in the UNIVERSE. The world is just not big enough to encompass how much I enjoy playing that game. In the 4 or 5 years that I've played, I've moved from a right fielder to being short stop. Yes, this means that I have figured out how to field. I'm pretty fast, so even when I don't hit the ball well, often times I still can get on base. I love the game, I love to just compete and I love to make people go, "How the heck did he do that"? I played on a church team that gave me the chance to play next to one eccentric guy named Jeff Woodford. Jeff's dad was my high school math teacher that we affectionately called Woody. This tag mades it's way to Jeff as I got to know him a little bit.
Now Jeff played 3rd base. Once in a while we would both end up chasing a foul ball and I would have to call him off or someone would tell me to get the hell out of the way so he could make a play, but we spent a fair amount of time, on plays, in the same vicinity on the field. Joking and laughing, even a few times trying to make the other miss a routine ball. I don't know why I thought of this guy today, other than he made my life just a little bit better. He's truly a great friend and even though I currently live in the middle of no where, he doesn't live too far away. Sisters is a measly hour and a half away.
Friends are never cut from the same mold and one that I don't think was even cut from the same mountain is Daniel Lanning. Now Dan is the guy who is "Awesome and Legendary". Why? Because I said so, that's why!!! And don't you forget it. A few years ago Dan and I got reconnected after not seeing each other for about 8 years. He and I went to high school together, played football together, even had some classes, though he was the year ahead in school. We weren't great friends, but Dan being Dan, we were friends. He's very outgoing, was always headed in the ministry, so he was a walking talking relationship from the moment I met him.
Now, about a year ago, Dan was giving a message, and like all good Christians, I can't remember what it was about, but I do remember after he was introduced he said something to the effect that he hoped some day he would be introduced as "Awesome and Legendary". That sounds like a very arrogant statement to make, but Dan... well, Dan had a way with the expression that made it sound like a very humble offering. He hopes some day that he is mentioned in this fashion, but he wants it to be for the right reasons. It was a truly selfish statement said in a humble fashion that made it totally appropriate. For now and all time, to me, Dan is Awesome and Legendary.
I placed the tag line on this blog because like all my friends, these two are both, awesome and legendary. They are for very different reasons, but they have enriched my life and made it more abundant. They have shown me in their own ways how to be a great friend and forever will I appreciate their contribution to my life.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Camp Adventures
There are a lot of perks to living at a summer camp. You can do things that you won't normally do in every day society. If you want to have a smore every night, go for it, there is almost always a family having a fire in back yard pits or even chiminea.
Washington Family Ranch, as it's called nowadays, has gone by many other names and has evolved since people first started living here. What was once a ranch, became a cult cloister, is now a Young Life camp. A Young Life camp with a water park. Yes, it's true, I live near a water park, and not just a water park, if I am over there when the park is running, it's FREE.
Last week was sort of a test week for many of the things that happen at camp. The Creekside Activity center was running and there is a full ropes course, indoors, and a basketball court, mini-golf, some other things that are fun to play on, but the new toy that most of us staff were excited to get a turn on was the Go-Kart track. There are 11 carts, one carries two people, and we got a few nights to run these machines to break in tires, the track, and the crew that is going to be running them during the summer.
The Mark 2 guys all got a turn on the carts and I took one of the less coordinated out on the two seater so he could "go fast" as Ricky Bobby would say. He sat in the car and I strapped him in. I crawled around over him trying to get the buckle all done correctly and finally had him strapped down so he wouldn't fall out. Not that I really think you could. I sat next to him and realized there was going to be very little room for my legs once both of us were in. The car is designed for one big person and one little person. Not a Job Coach and one of the Mark 2 guys. It was crowded. I managed to get him situated that he would be out of the way of the gas pedal and I would be able to steer without bumping him. We drove, we bumbed, he yelled, we passed some cars, and The Todd cut us off. It was a great time and he is still talking about it.
Something about living in the desert that you forget about is the wildlife. There are all kinds of birds, a few frogs here and there, I caught on in the pond actually, and reptiles. I have seen more kinds of snakes the past week that I reallky wanted to. I was out for a run on my day off, there is a barn about a half mile from my house and as I was passing it, I wasn't really watching where I was going and I almost stepped on a stick. I nearly fell in the effort to not step directly on it, and as my foot connected with ground, the "stick" coiled itself up, hissed at me, and began to shake it's rattle. Were I more jumpy, I might have wet myself, screamed like a little girl and sprinted off down the road, as it is, I wasn't bit and kept on with my run.
My house is at the end of the Mark 2 property. There isn't much of a porch and I have a gravel path in front of the house. The day after my near collision with the rattler, there was about a 3 foot bull snake sunning in the gravel by my porch. They are not poisonous, but after seeing a snake that could kill me the day before I was taking no chances. I first pissed it off by breaking a shovel... yes, breaking a shovel over it's head. He slithered toward my front door and tried to squirm into one of my boots. Armed with a broken shove, and full shovel, and a plastic chair, I proceeded to corner him and then chop his head off. He bled on my deck, and I didn't want to move the thing because even headless, it was still squirming. I threw it in what counts as my yard, which is really just a bunch of weeds growing in the mud. It stayed there for about 4 days before it started smelling bad enough for me to move it to the brush across the street.
Some of the work that I do takes me into the kitchen on Canyon side of the camp. The kitchen is known as the Iron Kettle or IK for short. Wednesday this week when we went in to help put away the food order, the truck from FSA had just arrived and the order wasn't checked in. I pulled the guys aside to get them out of the way when Robby pointed to the far wall and said, "look a bird". I thought that he was joking until I saw it fly across the back wall. I was a little suprised, but it is a large kitchen and it shouldn't really suprise you to find a wild animal in there from time to time. I found a milk crate and standing on my tip toes, reachind up to the window, I caught that bird with my bare hand. Yes, my bare hand. I took the bird to the door and let it go, but I felt really awesome because about a dozen people saw me do this.
So far, living in camp has been pretty awesome. Every day brings some new adventure, whether it's tracking down a cricket under a pile of mops or catching a mouse that has got into my bathroom and is hiding behind the toilet, there is always something crazy happening. Even better for all the crazy stuff happening to me, there are hundreds of other people that live here that are also having experiences. No shortage to the stories, and therefore, no shortage of life happening.
Washington Family Ranch, as it's called nowadays, has gone by many other names and has evolved since people first started living here. What was once a ranch, became a cult cloister, is now a Young Life camp. A Young Life camp with a water park. Yes, it's true, I live near a water park, and not just a water park, if I am over there when the park is running, it's FREE.
Last week was sort of a test week for many of the things that happen at camp. The Creekside Activity center was running and there is a full ropes course, indoors, and a basketball court, mini-golf, some other things that are fun to play on, but the new toy that most of us staff were excited to get a turn on was the Go-Kart track. There are 11 carts, one carries two people, and we got a few nights to run these machines to break in tires, the track, and the crew that is going to be running them during the summer.
The Mark 2 guys all got a turn on the carts and I took one of the less coordinated out on the two seater so he could "go fast" as Ricky Bobby would say. He sat in the car and I strapped him in. I crawled around over him trying to get the buckle all done correctly and finally had him strapped down so he wouldn't fall out. Not that I really think you could. I sat next to him and realized there was going to be very little room for my legs once both of us were in. The car is designed for one big person and one little person. Not a Job Coach and one of the Mark 2 guys. It was crowded. I managed to get him situated that he would be out of the way of the gas pedal and I would be able to steer without bumping him. We drove, we bumbed, he yelled, we passed some cars, and The Todd cut us off. It was a great time and he is still talking about it.
Something about living in the desert that you forget about is the wildlife. There are all kinds of birds, a few frogs here and there, I caught on in the pond actually, and reptiles. I have seen more kinds of snakes the past week that I reallky wanted to. I was out for a run on my day off, there is a barn about a half mile from my house and as I was passing it, I wasn't really watching where I was going and I almost stepped on a stick. I nearly fell in the effort to not step directly on it, and as my foot connected with ground, the "stick" coiled itself up, hissed at me, and began to shake it's rattle. Were I more jumpy, I might have wet myself, screamed like a little girl and sprinted off down the road, as it is, I wasn't bit and kept on with my run.
My house is at the end of the Mark 2 property. There isn't much of a porch and I have a gravel path in front of the house. The day after my near collision with the rattler, there was about a 3 foot bull snake sunning in the gravel by my porch. They are not poisonous, but after seeing a snake that could kill me the day before I was taking no chances. I first pissed it off by breaking a shovel... yes, breaking a shovel over it's head. He slithered toward my front door and tried to squirm into one of my boots. Armed with a broken shove, and full shovel, and a plastic chair, I proceeded to corner him and then chop his head off. He bled on my deck, and I didn't want to move the thing because even headless, it was still squirming. I threw it in what counts as my yard, which is really just a bunch of weeds growing in the mud. It stayed there for about 4 days before it started smelling bad enough for me to move it to the brush across the street.
Some of the work that I do takes me into the kitchen on Canyon side of the camp. The kitchen is known as the Iron Kettle or IK for short. Wednesday this week when we went in to help put away the food order, the truck from FSA had just arrived and the order wasn't checked in. I pulled the guys aside to get them out of the way when Robby pointed to the far wall and said, "look a bird". I thought that he was joking until I saw it fly across the back wall. I was a little suprised, but it is a large kitchen and it shouldn't really suprise you to find a wild animal in there from time to time. I found a milk crate and standing on my tip toes, reachind up to the window, I caught that bird with my bare hand. Yes, my bare hand. I took the bird to the door and let it go, but I felt really awesome because about a dozen people saw me do this.
So far, living in camp has been pretty awesome. Every day brings some new adventure, whether it's tracking down a cricket under a pile of mops or catching a mouse that has got into my bathroom and is hiding behind the toilet, there is always something crazy happening. Even better for all the crazy stuff happening to me, there are hundreds of other people that live here that are also having experiences. No shortage to the stories, and therefore, no shortage of life happening.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The day at a glance.
I'm beginning to feel at home again. I don't know if it's the comfort that I feel around people or just the new acceptance that I have for myself. I don't have an awful feeling like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. For the past several years, no matter where I ended up, I felt like I was in the wrong place.
I just had a pretty good capper on a gnarly day. I will get to that, but you need to hear the kind of day that it was, and the suprise feeling that I had at every turn.
Starting at 630, which is obsurd because you don't need an hour and a half to get the guys out the door in the morning, I wandered over to the guys condo and got set up to make breakfast. The "mud room" is the laundry room off the back of the house, and the guys condo is really the only one that the name of the room is not derived from the function. It is actually a laundry room. The doors are locked to keep the guys out of the medicines and other dangerous things, like cleaners and worse chemicals, that we keep stored in there. The menu is also in there. This morning was supposed to be biscuits and gravy, but I managed to cook the last biscuits a few days ago and there was no gravy in sight. I opted to make sausage and scrambled eggs, two things that the guys will always eat.
It was a pretty easy morning. I wasn't too stressed out by the amount of work that we had to do and we managed to be helpful and not too obstructive to the daily routines for the kitchens. Wednesday is the food order for both sides of camp and the guys help put these away. There are 100's of pieces to the orders right now because the camps are coming in this weekend and the kitchens need to be well stocked and ready to go. We finished off the morning and had a good lunch, then started the afternoon with some quick help around the Mark 2 area of camp.
After we left home, things would into a mess. We were slated to work on the club room, getting the carpets all cleaned and shampoo'ed before camp this weekend but one thing after another just seemed to go wrong. First it was the actual equipment that we had in use. One of the vacuums didn't even work properly. It would turn on and make all the usual noise, but the brush didn't spin at all and it was like pushing an angry rolling pin over the floor. I didn't catch the mess up until after one of the guys had "vacuumed" for about an hour. I couldn't help but laugh but I was starting to get mad at a few of the other things going on.
Two of the guys I had set on scraping up gum from ther floor. This wouldn't seem like too difficult of a job, except that I don't think either one of them knew what gum looks like when it gets trampled into carpet. They walked all over the club room and then told me they were done. Within sight of where I was standing (mind that it was on one of the top steps) I could see over a dozen spots of gum. I pointed some of them out to these two and they said they couldn't get them to come up. I took the tool and within a few seconds had two of the spots out of the carpet. They were set back to work.
The housekeeping staff has two of the most... well, they have more than two, but today they only had two fo the most wonderful inventions ever that we went ahead and borrowed, without asking. They have pack vacs. These lovely things instantly transform the casual Mark 2 employee into a Ghostbuster. It's a large tank, with a hose, that makes noise and pulls dirt form the ground... but only if you put the hose to the ground. My guy today was walking around with the hose about a foot from the ground and expecting me not to notice that he was not doing a very good job on the floors. I was getting close to my wits end, but this wasn't the end of my ordeal today.
The last was the sole reason that we were in the Round-Up today. They needed the carpets clean. There is a hunk of machine called Whitacker that is basically two spinning brushes and a sprayer that introduces chemicals to the carpet to have the rubbed in to pick up all the dirt that is in said carpet. This machine seems like it might be fun to operate, but I never really got the chance to. I couldn't get the sprayer to work. I called one guy to check with him about coming to fix it, he was in a meeting. I chatted with guest services to see who else to call, he directed me to housekeeping. The head of housekeeping wasn't sure what the issue is, so finally the housekeepering assistant showed up to save the day. We might as well have been kicking the thing. I wasn't doing anything wrong and it just wasn't working. By the time I finally gave up on the beast, the guy that set me up to clean showed back up and there were then three of us at a complete loss. We gave up trying for the day and I put away all the equipment, broken and working, and with tears in our eyes, crawled back in the car to head home for the day.
I got all of about 20 minutes to myself before I had to go back to the guys house. I was frustrated from the complete lack of work that we got done in the afternoon and I wanted to unwind, but I have to do personal care for one of the guys every day after work. I helped him out as I always do, and then went home. I sat in my chair. And I sat... and sat... and finally there was nothing left to do, I started laughing. It was just an awful day, and I'm so glad that it happened. I wouldn't want to change any of it, because this is the kind of day that I am supposed to be having. I learned all kinds of stuff and managed to keep my temper in check and finished it out in a good mood.
The evening started off making pizza for the guys. They powerred through two large pizzas and when everything was cleaned up, I was off home again to wait for basketball to start. I spent a little while talking with Mark and Mandy... the boss and her husband, and then went off to shoot hoops. I had flashes of brilliance, then when I rememberred that I'm not very good, I started to play like that. I left the games early because I was meeting a buddy for just some conversation and maybe a few beverages. We sat and talked for a while, then he asked where I came from. I'm not sure what possessed me, but I started to share my testimony. I wasn't going to go into detail, but after a bit, I just felt like I was in a safe environment and he would appreciate hearing it. I shared for about 20 minutes and he listened. Some people get bored when they hear stories, but he was captivated and glad to hear what I was sharing. He helped to end a normal day in extrodinary fashion. Now here I sit about to go to bed myself, and I'm happy with how today turned out. Bad and good, it all makes sense to me at the end.
I just had a pretty good capper on a gnarly day. I will get to that, but you need to hear the kind of day that it was, and the suprise feeling that I had at every turn.
Starting at 630, which is obsurd because you don't need an hour and a half to get the guys out the door in the morning, I wandered over to the guys condo and got set up to make breakfast. The "mud room" is the laundry room off the back of the house, and the guys condo is really the only one that the name of the room is not derived from the function. It is actually a laundry room. The doors are locked to keep the guys out of the medicines and other dangerous things, like cleaners and worse chemicals, that we keep stored in there. The menu is also in there. This morning was supposed to be biscuits and gravy, but I managed to cook the last biscuits a few days ago and there was no gravy in sight. I opted to make sausage and scrambled eggs, two things that the guys will always eat.
It was a pretty easy morning. I wasn't too stressed out by the amount of work that we had to do and we managed to be helpful and not too obstructive to the daily routines for the kitchens. Wednesday is the food order for both sides of camp and the guys help put these away. There are 100's of pieces to the orders right now because the camps are coming in this weekend and the kitchens need to be well stocked and ready to go. We finished off the morning and had a good lunch, then started the afternoon with some quick help around the Mark 2 area of camp.
After we left home, things would into a mess. We were slated to work on the club room, getting the carpets all cleaned and shampoo'ed before camp this weekend but one thing after another just seemed to go wrong. First it was the actual equipment that we had in use. One of the vacuums didn't even work properly. It would turn on and make all the usual noise, but the brush didn't spin at all and it was like pushing an angry rolling pin over the floor. I didn't catch the mess up until after one of the guys had "vacuumed" for about an hour. I couldn't help but laugh but I was starting to get mad at a few of the other things going on.
Two of the guys I had set on scraping up gum from ther floor. This wouldn't seem like too difficult of a job, except that I don't think either one of them knew what gum looks like when it gets trampled into carpet. They walked all over the club room and then told me they were done. Within sight of where I was standing (mind that it was on one of the top steps) I could see over a dozen spots of gum. I pointed some of them out to these two and they said they couldn't get them to come up. I took the tool and within a few seconds had two of the spots out of the carpet. They were set back to work.
The housekeeping staff has two of the most... well, they have more than two, but today they only had two fo the most wonderful inventions ever that we went ahead and borrowed, without asking. They have pack vacs. These lovely things instantly transform the casual Mark 2 employee into a Ghostbuster. It's a large tank, with a hose, that makes noise and pulls dirt form the ground... but only if you put the hose to the ground. My guy today was walking around with the hose about a foot from the ground and expecting me not to notice that he was not doing a very good job on the floors. I was getting close to my wits end, but this wasn't the end of my ordeal today.
The last was the sole reason that we were in the Round-Up today. They needed the carpets clean. There is a hunk of machine called Whitacker that is basically two spinning brushes and a sprayer that introduces chemicals to the carpet to have the rubbed in to pick up all the dirt that is in said carpet. This machine seems like it might be fun to operate, but I never really got the chance to. I couldn't get the sprayer to work. I called one guy to check with him about coming to fix it, he was in a meeting. I chatted with guest services to see who else to call, he directed me to housekeeping. The head of housekeeping wasn't sure what the issue is, so finally the housekeepering assistant showed up to save the day. We might as well have been kicking the thing. I wasn't doing anything wrong and it just wasn't working. By the time I finally gave up on the beast, the guy that set me up to clean showed back up and there were then three of us at a complete loss. We gave up trying for the day and I put away all the equipment, broken and working, and with tears in our eyes, crawled back in the car to head home for the day.
I got all of about 20 minutes to myself before I had to go back to the guys house. I was frustrated from the complete lack of work that we got done in the afternoon and I wanted to unwind, but I have to do personal care for one of the guys every day after work. I helped him out as I always do, and then went home. I sat in my chair. And I sat... and sat... and finally there was nothing left to do, I started laughing. It was just an awful day, and I'm so glad that it happened. I wouldn't want to change any of it, because this is the kind of day that I am supposed to be having. I learned all kinds of stuff and managed to keep my temper in check and finished it out in a good mood.
The evening started off making pizza for the guys. They powerred through two large pizzas and when everything was cleaned up, I was off home again to wait for basketball to start. I spent a little while talking with Mark and Mandy... the boss and her husband, and then went off to shoot hoops. I had flashes of brilliance, then when I rememberred that I'm not very good, I started to play like that. I left the games early because I was meeting a buddy for just some conversation and maybe a few beverages. We sat and talked for a while, then he asked where I came from. I'm not sure what possessed me, but I started to share my testimony. I wasn't going to go into detail, but after a bit, I just felt like I was in a safe environment and he would appreciate hearing it. I shared for about 20 minutes and he listened. Some people get bored when they hear stories, but he was captivated and glad to hear what I was sharing. He helped to end a normal day in extrodinary fashion. Now here I sit about to go to bed myself, and I'm happy with how today turned out. Bad and good, it all makes sense to me at the end.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Journal June 12
This is my weekend. I've had Sunday and Monday off for quite a while now and today is the first day that I truly feel no pressure to do anything. At some point I hope that I get out for a run or better yet, a hike. I feel the urge to do neither of these things, unfortunately. Today I have distracted myself with the wonders of Arrakis, the mystery of Cyrodil, and the conflict of Middle Earth. I've read, played games and watched movies much of the day. Truly I would feel lazy except that it is nearly 1 in the afternoon and I've been up for over 6 hours.
I'm tired. The last week has been a strain on my body and my faith. I fear that I have over-extended my ability to work and endure. I try to remain awake late in order to catch every part of the day, but I'm continuing to get out of bed earlier and earlier. I don't know how to sleep peacefully because I got to bed with so much on my mind. Much of it gives me a good feeling, but some of it just adds to my weariness. I push through day after day, working with the guys and it seems that more things are piled upon me every day. I need a rest, but I don't know where to go to get it.
Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week. I'm a large fan of fellowship and it used to stand that the only day I could get this was on Sunday. I live now in a camp that the weariness of the world has infected many of the people who would normally be pursuing a God that gives shelter and rest. I try to surrender my every breath but find that I am unable.
My head is beginning to hurt and I am clenching my teeth which historically have been signs that I am under stress. I don't know what I can do to climb out from under the stressors of my life apart from giving up on a job that is important to do, friends that fulfill me, and a God that comforts me. I have just realized that the God that I find it so hard to trust and walk after gives me much of my strength to endure this life, day after day.
I don't give Him his due. I sit in my house and worry about the strangeness of my life and some strange things in my life. I ask him for help when it suits me but never ask him what I can do to help suit Him. I can't imagine the "honey-do" list that is given to God by the people in this world. He seeks the best for us and wishes us all the blessings that he has for us, but we forget the requests that we give to him. On top of that, how many other people are asking requests of God. I should be content to my life as it is and enjoy the fruits of this labor that I give to God. Even if I'm not quite sure why I'm doing it.
I'm tired. The last week has been a strain on my body and my faith. I fear that I have over-extended my ability to work and endure. I try to remain awake late in order to catch every part of the day, but I'm continuing to get out of bed earlier and earlier. I don't know how to sleep peacefully because I got to bed with so much on my mind. Much of it gives me a good feeling, but some of it just adds to my weariness. I push through day after day, working with the guys and it seems that more things are piled upon me every day. I need a rest, but I don't know where to go to get it.
Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week. I'm a large fan of fellowship and it used to stand that the only day I could get this was on Sunday. I live now in a camp that the weariness of the world has infected many of the people who would normally be pursuing a God that gives shelter and rest. I try to surrender my every breath but find that I am unable.
My head is beginning to hurt and I am clenching my teeth which historically have been signs that I am under stress. I don't know what I can do to climb out from under the stressors of my life apart from giving up on a job that is important to do, friends that fulfill me, and a God that comforts me. I have just realized that the God that I find it so hard to trust and walk after gives me much of my strength to endure this life, day after day.
I don't give Him his due. I sit in my house and worry about the strangeness of my life and some strange things in my life. I ask him for help when it suits me but never ask him what I can do to help suit Him. I can't imagine the "honey-do" list that is given to God by the people in this world. He seeks the best for us and wishes us all the blessings that he has for us, but we forget the requests that we give to him. On top of that, how many other people are asking requests of God. I should be content to my life as it is and enjoy the fruits of this labor that I give to God. Even if I'm not quite sure why I'm doing it.
Monday, June 6, 2011
...
I have put my heart on hold.
It has been broken too many times
that I can't quite fit all the pieces back together.
The one's that wish to guard it seem only to know how to hurt you the worst.
I have spent my love on things that do not matter,
and with a broken heart try to give what love is left to things that do.
I do not despair for myself, but only for those who would have my love.
If wishes were wings, pigs would fly
and I could speed myself away
to places that my desires would not hurt
but would bless.
It has been broken too many times
that I can't quite fit all the pieces back together.
The one's that wish to guard it seem only to know how to hurt you the worst.
I have spent my love on things that do not matter,
and with a broken heart try to give what love is left to things that do.
I do not despair for myself, but only for those who would have my love.
If wishes were wings, pigs would fly
and I could speed myself away
to places that my desires would not hurt
but would bless.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
GI Joe and a Fly-over
This post is actually late in coming and I regret that I may have forgotten some of the key parts to it. I will do my best to remember everything from that week, as it was very exciting, but please forgive me if I don't.
Living on the ranch provides me with some very unique opportunities from time to time. Tonight I almost got to drive go-karts... yes almost. It started to rain and I didn't get a chance to. There is supposed to be a few more nights this week when we can drive, but who knows. Come on weather. This last weekend was the Wild Canyon Games and almost 1000 people came out to take part in events ranging from obstacle courses to triathalons. I bought a very cool fleece and some shoes that are, well, one of a kind.
A few weeks ago, the national guard decided that they wanted to use the camp for some training exercises. The camp owns a lot of land and much of the land is just empty. It doesn't take you long to hike out of camp and be able to see... nothing. Up behind my house there is a ridge that I can hike for 10 minutes and be able to see nothing but pasture land for miles around me. Some areas of the camp have abandoned buildings, and these were of special interest to the guard.
The first of three evening training missions took place at an abandoned warehouse about 6 miles from the main entrance of camp. The guys and I drove up and stood on a hill with about 30 other camp staff and their kids and waited... and waited... and finally. There was the beat of a rotating blade and into view flew a chinook helicopter. It flew less than 100 ft from the ground and up near the warehouses. It slowed to a hover and out of it dropped two repel lines that a squad of GI's dropped to the ground and proceeded to assault the buildings. There was live gun fire and two A-10's circling above. It was exciting, even though we couldn't really see anything, but all in all, who can really say they've watched a live military exercise.
The second night, you could see less, but the experience was closer. A squad of guys walked down the road on the other side of the "swamp" from where a group of us were standing. It's actually a creek, but there are all kinds of scums and other pond plants growing, so we call it the swamp. They swaggered in and did a mock assault on the old cafeteria. The pain bullet marks could still be seen two weeks later. I didn't watch this one because I didn't feel like climbing up the hill to get the better vantage point. Later in the night, however, I did watch a humvee drive around my house. It didn't do anything, but it was cool to see the vehicle all the same.
The last that we really saw anything happen wasn't even taking place near the camp. We were havning a Mark 2 fellowship night and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows on a fire. Just enjoying the company of each other when two chinook helicopters flew over our heads. I don't mean they were flying near. They flew directly over us. Some of us were excited, others scared, and Mark(my boss' hubby) got the smug look in his eye because it was his birthday and he got his own fly-over.
I've seen closer military craft and even been in them, but this made it just a little bit different. Some of the guys that we watched will be deployed into harms way and it made the experience very real that some of those guys might never come home alive. They volunteer to do what they do, and for a week, they let us be a part of it.
Living on the ranch provides me with some very unique opportunities from time to time. Tonight I almost got to drive go-karts... yes almost. It started to rain and I didn't get a chance to. There is supposed to be a few more nights this week when we can drive, but who knows. Come on weather. This last weekend was the Wild Canyon Games and almost 1000 people came out to take part in events ranging from obstacle courses to triathalons. I bought a very cool fleece and some shoes that are, well, one of a kind.
A few weeks ago, the national guard decided that they wanted to use the camp for some training exercises. The camp owns a lot of land and much of the land is just empty. It doesn't take you long to hike out of camp and be able to see... nothing. Up behind my house there is a ridge that I can hike for 10 minutes and be able to see nothing but pasture land for miles around me. Some areas of the camp have abandoned buildings, and these were of special interest to the guard.
The first of three evening training missions took place at an abandoned warehouse about 6 miles from the main entrance of camp. The guys and I drove up and stood on a hill with about 30 other camp staff and their kids and waited... and waited... and finally. There was the beat of a rotating blade and into view flew a chinook helicopter. It flew less than 100 ft from the ground and up near the warehouses. It slowed to a hover and out of it dropped two repel lines that a squad of GI's dropped to the ground and proceeded to assault the buildings. There was live gun fire and two A-10's circling above. It was exciting, even though we couldn't really see anything, but all in all, who can really say they've watched a live military exercise.
The second night, you could see less, but the experience was closer. A squad of guys walked down the road on the other side of the "swamp" from where a group of us were standing. It's actually a creek, but there are all kinds of scums and other pond plants growing, so we call it the swamp. They swaggered in and did a mock assault on the old cafeteria. The pain bullet marks could still be seen two weeks later. I didn't watch this one because I didn't feel like climbing up the hill to get the better vantage point. Later in the night, however, I did watch a humvee drive around my house. It didn't do anything, but it was cool to see the vehicle all the same.
The last that we really saw anything happen wasn't even taking place near the camp. We were havning a Mark 2 fellowship night and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows on a fire. Just enjoying the company of each other when two chinook helicopters flew over our heads. I don't mean they were flying near. They flew directly over us. Some of us were excited, others scared, and Mark(my boss' hubby) got the smug look in his eye because it was his birthday and he got his own fly-over.
I've seen closer military craft and even been in them, but this made it just a little bit different. Some of the guys that we watched will be deployed into harms way and it made the experience very real that some of those guys might never come home alive. They volunteer to do what they do, and for a week, they let us be a part of it.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
No title is good enough
Early in 2010 I felt that I was supposed to go somewhere. I never imagined that a year later I would be boarding a plane for Asia, but that trip is not what I hope this is about. There is hope for something new in my life at every moment, at every decision, at every thing that God has for me. I try to walk the path he has sent out in front of me but continue to stumble.
I was given an option tonight, pick what I want or do what others tell me to do. I thought about this for a while and tried to remember some decisions that I've made for me over the last few months. Since my decision to follow God's prompting to Cambodia my decisions have been less and less based on what I want to do and more on what God is asking... telling me to do. I'm trying hard. I'm failing hard. Not because I lack the desire, but because I lack the fortitude to press onward in my faith.
The devil still has his strongholds in me and I'm fighting tooth and nail to rid myself of them, but I'm weak. However, I have a strong God. He's been way more faithful to me than I've ever been to him. He's kept me through some pretty nasty times in my life and helped me out of some pretty tight jams.
I'm losing my train of thought tonight for a few reasons. One, I'm a few beers in, and the mind is slipping away. Two, I'm trying to write things that I think people will enjoy reading. This is actually my second post tonight, the first one was deleted in it's beginning stages because I didn't think that it was anything people would desire to read. It's just more of me worrying about the world and less about God. The best I can say is that I'm becoming aware of what I'm struggling with, so now, I hope that I can move past them.
God gives me gifts all the time. He shows me the best things for me and it's up to me to decide whether or not I'm going to accept them. I want everything that he has for me, but I'm not sure how to let him give me these things. The best I can say is that I try. I will always try, and I hope one day I will actually do the things that make God say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant".
I was given an option tonight, pick what I want or do what others tell me to do. I thought about this for a while and tried to remember some decisions that I've made for me over the last few months. Since my decision to follow God's prompting to Cambodia my decisions have been less and less based on what I want to do and more on what God is asking... telling me to do. I'm trying hard. I'm failing hard. Not because I lack the desire, but because I lack the fortitude to press onward in my faith.
The devil still has his strongholds in me and I'm fighting tooth and nail to rid myself of them, but I'm weak. However, I have a strong God. He's been way more faithful to me than I've ever been to him. He's kept me through some pretty nasty times in my life and helped me out of some pretty tight jams.
I'm losing my train of thought tonight for a few reasons. One, I'm a few beers in, and the mind is slipping away. Two, I'm trying to write things that I think people will enjoy reading. This is actually my second post tonight, the first one was deleted in it's beginning stages because I didn't think that it was anything people would desire to read. It's just more of me worrying about the world and less about God. The best I can say is that I'm becoming aware of what I'm struggling with, so now, I hope that I can move past them.
God gives me gifts all the time. He shows me the best things for me and it's up to me to decide whether or not I'm going to accept them. I want everything that he has for me, but I'm not sure how to let him give me these things. The best I can say is that I try. I will always try, and I hope one day I will actually do the things that make God say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant".
Friday, May 20, 2011
The world we live in
It's folly to believe that there is nothing wrong. I bet everyone will agree to that statement. Anyone who disagrees if either deceiving themselves or a blabbering idiot. I don't pretend that I've got it figured out, far from it. I look for my passion for Christ in inspirational songs, in movies, in other people, but I never look where you're supposed to find it, the bible.
I wrote once about anguish, and here 2 years later, not a lot has changed in my life. I make little effort. I'm more like the world that runs the number of views of a Justin Bieber video to twice the population of the US and a sermon that lasts 7 minutes about anguish can barely scrape together 600K. Even just bobbing around in the ebb and flow of the world I barely register what Christ is doing. Once in a while I look at him to check and see where he is. It's like going on a hike with someone that can't quite keep up. You wander off ahead and when you want a break, or need a break, you cover your needs with excuses to look for the person that is behind you, or wait for them to catch up. What we fail to see with God is that he's the one that is waiting on us. He has gone on ahead of us and is waiting for us to quick dilly-dallying around and start keeping up. Not with him, we could never do that, but with his plan. Even the faithful, the most well meaning of us, don't keep up. Sure they stay close, but the concerns of this Earth overwhelm them too often to truly walk after God the way we should.
I sit here writing at 3 in the morning and can't bring myself to go back to bed. I want to sleep, but I feel more concerned with connecting to God, but I'm not sure how to do that. I try to talk, don't know what to say, try to listen, can't hear, try to walk after him, but I find that I don't know the way. So I sit down on the path and I do nothing, I remain silent, and I stop listening.
But I'm not alone. The community of my home churh (I live at a Young Life camp currently) fails in bring in people that walk in off the street looking for something. Maybe they don't know what it is themselves, but they walked in to find "it" and no one in the church can even say hello, good morning, there He is, and hand them a bible. God is there, among the "believers" and we can't point the lost to him becuase in most cases, we don't know what we are looking for ourselves.
I live among believers. Supposedly everyone knows God, and yet I see the same things happening here that I see in churches everwhere I go. Complacency. Few here live in true fellowship. It took me several days of living on property to know anyone even outside the collection of buildings that I live in. Still after two months, I can say hello and know names, but I don't know the people that I live with. I don't sit down over coffee or a beer, or even a bible and get to know them. Share ourselves, share God; it's lost on even a community of believers.
This makes me sick. Not because I'm disgusted by what I see in other people, because I'm disgusted that I even see it in myself. A good friend of mine told me that she was impressed that I could approach people and just talk. That I had a desire to get to know them. She expressed her own wish to have that kind of boldness and still I don't even see it in myself. Despite her observations, despite how I feel about people. I need to be in fellowship with them. I'm not always comfortable around them, but I should be. It's a gift that God has given to us.
I wrote once about anguish, and here 2 years later, not a lot has changed in my life. I make little effort. I'm more like the world that runs the number of views of a Justin Bieber video to twice the population of the US and a sermon that lasts 7 minutes about anguish can barely scrape together 600K. Even just bobbing around in the ebb and flow of the world I barely register what Christ is doing. Once in a while I look at him to check and see where he is. It's like going on a hike with someone that can't quite keep up. You wander off ahead and when you want a break, or need a break, you cover your needs with excuses to look for the person that is behind you, or wait for them to catch up. What we fail to see with God is that he's the one that is waiting on us. He has gone on ahead of us and is waiting for us to quick dilly-dallying around and start keeping up. Not with him, we could never do that, but with his plan. Even the faithful, the most well meaning of us, don't keep up. Sure they stay close, but the concerns of this Earth overwhelm them too often to truly walk after God the way we should.
I sit here writing at 3 in the morning and can't bring myself to go back to bed. I want to sleep, but I feel more concerned with connecting to God, but I'm not sure how to do that. I try to talk, don't know what to say, try to listen, can't hear, try to walk after him, but I find that I don't know the way. So I sit down on the path and I do nothing, I remain silent, and I stop listening.
But I'm not alone. The community of my home churh (I live at a Young Life camp currently) fails in bring in people that walk in off the street looking for something. Maybe they don't know what it is themselves, but they walked in to find "it" and no one in the church can even say hello, good morning, there He is, and hand them a bible. God is there, among the "believers" and we can't point the lost to him becuase in most cases, we don't know what we are looking for ourselves.
I live among believers. Supposedly everyone knows God, and yet I see the same things happening here that I see in churches everwhere I go. Complacency. Few here live in true fellowship. It took me several days of living on property to know anyone even outside the collection of buildings that I live in. Still after two months, I can say hello and know names, but I don't know the people that I live with. I don't sit down over coffee or a beer, or even a bible and get to know them. Share ourselves, share God; it's lost on even a community of believers.
This makes me sick. Not because I'm disgusted by what I see in other people, because I'm disgusted that I even see it in myself. A good friend of mine told me that she was impressed that I could approach people and just talk. That I had a desire to get to know them. She expressed her own wish to have that kind of boldness and still I don't even see it in myself. Despite her observations, despite how I feel about people. I need to be in fellowship with them. I'm not always comfortable around them, but I should be. It's a gift that God has given to us.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
That little ache...
I'm not sure what this post will look like, but I'm quite confident that it will be a lot of babbling and have no defined direction of where it is heading, it's just a blind attempt to put how I feel on the page...
I read. In that past 2 weeks I've read a pretty massive series that follows Julian Delphiki, or Bean, through his short life. I want to avoid writing a book report here, so if you want to know more about it, email me and I'll let you know. He dies. It's a sad moment and his widow marries another man, and he dies. How much death can you really read about before it starts to effect you? I know that they aren't real people, but over several books, you get to know them as real people, you know what makes them tick, you KNOW them.
It's often the same in movies. You connect with one character that you root for over the course of the film. I've seen some that the better ending would have been the hero losing, but for the sake of the viewer, there is often some impossible string of events that leaves the hero with his heroine living happily ever after. There is a hug and a kiss and maybe a wedding, but it tugs at you that there is happiness.
Holding these thoughts in my head as I put down the last book that I finished just a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but wonder where my happily ever after is. What follows here isn't an effort to make you feel sorry for me, it's just truth. My life has been a string of disappointments and a few successes, but the success never lingers in my mind the way a good failure does. I try to learn things from them, but sometimes it just sticks that maybe there is nothing to learn from it. One demotivator I've read, reads "If at first you don't succeed, maybe failure is your style". I hate to think this is talking to people like me.
I wrote in the past about anguish and carry some scars that won't heal. When I get that little ache, is it those scars stretching because the rest of me is growing or is it just new scars being added with the ones that already exist. I carry a pang, right in the middle of me, some days I feel it more than others and some days I can make it fade to almost nothing, the way a mosquito bite feels like nothing the next day. What will it be that makes this pain go away?
I read. In that past 2 weeks I've read a pretty massive series that follows Julian Delphiki, or Bean, through his short life. I want to avoid writing a book report here, so if you want to know more about it, email me and I'll let you know. He dies. It's a sad moment and his widow marries another man, and he dies. How much death can you really read about before it starts to effect you? I know that they aren't real people, but over several books, you get to know them as real people, you know what makes them tick, you KNOW them.
It's often the same in movies. You connect with one character that you root for over the course of the film. I've seen some that the better ending would have been the hero losing, but for the sake of the viewer, there is often some impossible string of events that leaves the hero with his heroine living happily ever after. There is a hug and a kiss and maybe a wedding, but it tugs at you that there is happiness.
Holding these thoughts in my head as I put down the last book that I finished just a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but wonder where my happily ever after is. What follows here isn't an effort to make you feel sorry for me, it's just truth. My life has been a string of disappointments and a few successes, but the success never lingers in my mind the way a good failure does. I try to learn things from them, but sometimes it just sticks that maybe there is nothing to learn from it. One demotivator I've read, reads "If at first you don't succeed, maybe failure is your style". I hate to think this is talking to people like me.
I wrote in the past about anguish and carry some scars that won't heal. When I get that little ache, is it those scars stretching because the rest of me is growing or is it just new scars being added with the ones that already exist. I carry a pang, right in the middle of me, some days I feel it more than others and some days I can make it fade to almost nothing, the way a mosquito bite feels like nothing the next day. What will it be that makes this pain go away?
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mike Bayley
I'm a little afraid to actually begin writing about Mike. I work with two guys regularly, and Mike is the bigger mystery of the two, yet at the same time, he really isn't. So, how do you put on the page something that is so open and yet so hidden all at the same time?
Let me explain myself. Mike doesn't talk. In fact, he speaks so rarely that at first I wondered if he was even capable of speech. I have since heard him say a few things, most common of which is "amen" when it's his turn to pray, but the rest of the time when he talks, you just have to guess at what he is saying.
Even in saying so very little, he has figured out how to communicate without words. He gestures a lot of times to give his impression of things. A salute here, a thumbs up there, and smiles, boy does this guy smile. He can almost always be seen with a smile on his face. Even when he is mad at me for making him work too hard, he has a smile on his face as he's telling me he wants me to leave and he doesn't like me. Which I maintain that he did tell me even though the ladies that I work with say I was imagining it.
Once you get used to Mike, you can understand him, but until then, he's a closed book. At first I struggled to get the simplest answers out of him, and now, I can get him to say words that I thought beyond him.
Next for him though, is work. He hates work. A lot of what we do is physical labor, and as much as I hate to compare him to someone else, he just does not put the effort forth that Robby does. Mike is very lazy when you let him get away with it. Most the time I just deal with it as best I can and be the buffer between the rising ire or Robby as he gets mad at Mike, and Mike's true inability to do some of the things that we do. Mike has his favorite days at work, and I was told about these from the start, but as I've watched him over the last few months, I realize that the reason he likes these jobs, is because he can do very little and still look like he's working hard. This keeps me off his back and also keeps Robby from getting frustrated with him.
As much as he seems to be inept, he is way smarter that at first you would give him credit for. My problem now is that I give him more credit that he really deserves. I expect a lot from myself, beyond my own abilities and I've put that standard on the guys that I work with. It leads, a lot of times, to the three of us being thoroughly exhausted at the end of the day, but you know, we get a lot done and I was always under the impression that you can't argue with results.
To finish up... I have given the impression, perhaps, that I don't really care for Mike, and at surface level, I might now, but deep down I know that I'm learning more from him than I truly expected to learn from doing this job. I have been blasted with revelation after revelation just by watching these two guys do what they can do and teaching me about the things that I can't do. I look forward to them teaching me more and continuing to work with them in the months to come.
Let me explain myself. Mike doesn't talk. In fact, he speaks so rarely that at first I wondered if he was even capable of speech. I have since heard him say a few things, most common of which is "amen" when it's his turn to pray, but the rest of the time when he talks, you just have to guess at what he is saying.
Even in saying so very little, he has figured out how to communicate without words. He gestures a lot of times to give his impression of things. A salute here, a thumbs up there, and smiles, boy does this guy smile. He can almost always be seen with a smile on his face. Even when he is mad at me for making him work too hard, he has a smile on his face as he's telling me he wants me to leave and he doesn't like me. Which I maintain that he did tell me even though the ladies that I work with say I was imagining it.
Once you get used to Mike, you can understand him, but until then, he's a closed book. At first I struggled to get the simplest answers out of him, and now, I can get him to say words that I thought beyond him.
Next for him though, is work. He hates work. A lot of what we do is physical labor, and as much as I hate to compare him to someone else, he just does not put the effort forth that Robby does. Mike is very lazy when you let him get away with it. Most the time I just deal with it as best I can and be the buffer between the rising ire or Robby as he gets mad at Mike, and Mike's true inability to do some of the things that we do. Mike has his favorite days at work, and I was told about these from the start, but as I've watched him over the last few months, I realize that the reason he likes these jobs, is because he can do very little and still look like he's working hard. This keeps me off his back and also keeps Robby from getting frustrated with him.
As much as he seems to be inept, he is way smarter that at first you would give him credit for. My problem now is that I give him more credit that he really deserves. I expect a lot from myself, beyond my own abilities and I've put that standard on the guys that I work with. It leads, a lot of times, to the three of us being thoroughly exhausted at the end of the day, but you know, we get a lot done and I was always under the impression that you can't argue with results.
To finish up... I have given the impression, perhaps, that I don't really care for Mike, and at surface level, I might now, but deep down I know that I'm learning more from him than I truly expected to learn from doing this job. I have been blasted with revelation after revelation just by watching these two guys do what they can do and teaching me about the things that I can't do. I look forward to them teaching me more and continuing to work with them in the months to come.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Robinson Briand
I spend much of my day working with two guys that challenge me in ways that I never imagined that I needed to be challenged. I'm constantly on my guard for what I say, how I react to people, and what my attitude is. I'll write about both of them but today I want to talk about Robby a bit.
Robby is from the Marshall Islands. I don't know where that is exactly, but he remembers it being exotic. Compared to where we live now, in the middle of a desert, anywhere would almost be exotic. When he was 5 he moved to Salem, where his parents still live today, but he has opted to learn independence from the people here at Mark 2.
During a typical week we do a ton of work. We dump trash, set up and take down the club room, pull weeds, mow lawns, and clean some condos. The two of them do more work than you can expect most normal people to accomplish in a given amount of time. Robby especially. He works tirelessly and gets frustrated when the rest of us aren't working as hard as he is. He motivates me to keep moving, even when I'm tired.
One of Robby's favorite things to do is go running. He runs and runs and runs, and when he's motivated, you have to actually stop him from running his legs off. The other day he ran for over 3 miles. I dont' make that kind of effort very often, and we stopped him because we didn't want him to be exhausted for the next day.
I learn a lot from this kid, and am constantly suprised by his understanding of God and the simple things that God has provided for us. Nothing is simple to Robby, everything is a great gift. Getting to know him has been a blessing.
Robby is from the Marshall Islands. I don't know where that is exactly, but he remembers it being exotic. Compared to where we live now, in the middle of a desert, anywhere would almost be exotic. When he was 5 he moved to Salem, where his parents still live today, but he has opted to learn independence from the people here at Mark 2.
During a typical week we do a ton of work. We dump trash, set up and take down the club room, pull weeds, mow lawns, and clean some condos. The two of them do more work than you can expect most normal people to accomplish in a given amount of time. Robby especially. He works tirelessly and gets frustrated when the rest of us aren't working as hard as he is. He motivates me to keep moving, even when I'm tired.
One of Robby's favorite things to do is go running. He runs and runs and runs, and when he's motivated, you have to actually stop him from running his legs off. The other day he ran for over 3 miles. I dont' make that kind of effort very often, and we stopped him because we didn't want him to be exhausted for the next day.
I learn a lot from this kid, and am constantly suprised by his understanding of God and the simple things that God has provided for us. Nothing is simple to Robby, everything is a great gift. Getting to know him has been a blessing.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Juniper Trees
So, this is the second half, and it comes from the same hike, but instead of talking about hiking, it's about a juniper tree that I saw. At the top of one of the peaks there is a level bit of ground that is about 100 yards long by about 20 yards across. It is almost completely surrounded by rocks and the soil is sand and rocks, that only grass seems to be able to get a good hold on. There is however, one juniper tree that has found it's home amond the rocky soil, and the roots snake in and out of the ground to get a firm grip on the edge of a dastardly fall. Looking at the tree I realized that it wasn't given the most ideal place to live, but God chose that tree to live in that place for some magical reason. Maybe specifically so I can draw some wisdom from it, maybe to leave a spot for a bird to sit as he's flying south. Either way, there is a tree, and it's healthy, about 10 feet tall. It could be very old, but I can't tell because there aren't a lot of other trees around. I got to thinking about it's ability to live, even though it wasn't given the best spot to live. We are all given places to live by God, we weren't randomly placed by some cosmic roulette wheel, God picked us. I have no idea what it is that I am supposed to do with my life, but I need to be like that tree and make the best life of it that I can in the place that I am. I'm not given another choice, I get the one pick, and after this, I have to answer to the man about how I chose to live the life that I was given. I don't get to ask for a second chance and I didn't pick this as my first choice over some list of other less desireable lives. Who then would be born to drug addicted parents, or even live in the suburbs. We would all be rich, but we would all have little need of God. I am happy with my life, I pick wrong sometimes, but for the most part, I have done well with the life God has given me.
Climbing Hills
The below post is actually an email that I sent to a friend of mine, it is in two parts and I'm going to post the second part as well, but you might, if you're reading this, have read the other part first, that is ok by me.
This is only a half of a coherent thought, and I"m in a rush, and I'm not sure why it hit me that I needed to send it now, but here goes. I've been hiking a lot since I took over this job. It's hard not to when I can walk out my front door, look left OR right and have 1000 ft climb just waiting for me. It's one of the advantages of being down in a hole, the view of the mountains is quite glorious. This week I've met a lot of great people and one of the questions that I ask almost anyone is if they like to hike around the hills or not. I was suprised to hear that many of them did not. It's a pretty enough view, but when I was up behind my house on about a 4000ft 'hill' I could see for miles. The view was spectacular. I felt a little sad for the people that never climb up there to take a look. It's like my own walk with Christ. I was comfortable just looking a Jesus and doing my own thing for so long that I missed out on what could be there if I started walking toward him. I get closer all the time, climb hills all the time, get to the top of the next ridge only to discover that further on there is a higher hill that is just out of reach. I know more and more about Jesus all the time, but there is always more to see. It won't be until I reach the end of life on this Earth that I will really get to see all there is to see. That is the pinnacle of this life, death. With death, we get to see God, Jesus, family, mother Teresa, whomever it is you desire to see, and they will love you. Some of this just spewed onto the page, but I think it worked out ok.
This is only a half of a coherent thought, and I"m in a rush, and I'm not sure why it hit me that I needed to send it now, but here goes. I've been hiking a lot since I took over this job. It's hard not to when I can walk out my front door, look left OR right and have 1000 ft climb just waiting for me. It's one of the advantages of being down in a hole, the view of the mountains is quite glorious. This week I've met a lot of great people and one of the questions that I ask almost anyone is if they like to hike around the hills or not. I was suprised to hear that many of them did not. It's a pretty enough view, but when I was up behind my house on about a 4000ft 'hill' I could see for miles. The view was spectacular. I felt a little sad for the people that never climb up there to take a look. It's like my own walk with Christ. I was comfortable just looking a Jesus and doing my own thing for so long that I missed out on what could be there if I started walking toward him. I get closer all the time, climb hills all the time, get to the top of the next ridge only to discover that further on there is a higher hill that is just out of reach. I know more and more about Jesus all the time, but there is always more to see. It won't be until I reach the end of life on this Earth that I will really get to see all there is to see. That is the pinnacle of this life, death. With death, we get to see God, Jesus, family, mother Teresa, whomever it is you desire to see, and they will love you. Some of this just spewed onto the page, but I think it worked out ok.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Arms out to God
Desperately people are seeking the attention of a father and from time to time you still will find one that fills the roll in a proper manner. Many children grow up today and miss out on the love and companionship of a father in their life. They don't know what is missing, only that something IS missing.
I remember being a young boy and standing on the edge of a pool. I was afraid to be in the water because I couldn't swim. I still don't swim well, but the difference is I know that I'm protected when I get into the water. When I was young, there was always mom or dad to keep you from drowning. Hurling yourself off the side of the pool was the way you played, often into water that was many times deep than your own head.
A few years ago, my oldest nephew was about 3 and my brother-in-law was crossing the street. Oblivious to his peril, he ran towards the road, we luckily caught up to him in time before he go into the street, but he ran, arms out seeking his father to lift him up.
In a life that is often times filled with pain and turmoil, we must remember that we can still jump from the side of the pool or run with arms reaching out into the arms of our father. God has a way of puting people into our path when we need them the most. It may not be God himself, but he is acting through the love of those that are closest to us to lift us up and to make us strong.
Remember that He is there, that He is waiting for us to come crying to him, and most important, He is waiting to lift us up.
I remember being a young boy and standing on the edge of a pool. I was afraid to be in the water because I couldn't swim. I still don't swim well, but the difference is I know that I'm protected when I get into the water. When I was young, there was always mom or dad to keep you from drowning. Hurling yourself off the side of the pool was the way you played, often into water that was many times deep than your own head.
A few years ago, my oldest nephew was about 3 and my brother-in-law was crossing the street. Oblivious to his peril, he ran towards the road, we luckily caught up to him in time before he go into the street, but he ran, arms out seeking his father to lift him up.
In a life that is often times filled with pain and turmoil, we must remember that we can still jump from the side of the pool or run with arms reaching out into the arms of our father. God has a way of puting people into our path when we need them the most. It may not be God himself, but he is acting through the love of those that are closest to us to lift us up and to make us strong.
Remember that He is there, that He is waiting for us to come crying to him, and most important, He is waiting to lift us up.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Two Questions
Whose life are you meant to be in?
Who is meant to be in your life?
These were the two questions that were posed at worship tonight during Work and Worship weekend at Wildhorse Canyon. It is actually called Washington Family Ranch, but I just can't bring myself to calling it that. I haven't as of yet figured out the answer to the first question, but I have recently become involved in a ministry called Mark 2
(While he was preaching God's word to them, four men arrived carrying a paralyzed man on a mat. They couldn't bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. Then they lowered the man on his mat, right down in front of Jesus. Mark 2-4).
2 is about helping those who can't really help themselves by giving them a ministry to be involved in. I work with two men who have disabilities of some kind and worked with another who is looking at coming to join. I don't know that I'm meant to be in their life, but I know that they are meant to be in mine. For just a day now I've worked with them and already found several places in my life that I need to work on. I'm sure that I will be assailed with more and more things that I need to work on, but I will work through these things that I have been informed of for now.
Ron Sauer, Jerry Tubbs, Steve Ericson, and I'm sure if I thought about it I could put down about 30 other names. At one time or another I have had people come into my life that have affected me in ways that helped me grow in Christ. These two guys are another couple guys. I wish I could say that I was meant to be in these guys lives, someday, I hope I find one person, one day who will say my name as an answer to that second question, in the mean time I will do what I can to learn rom those who were meant to be in my life.
Who is meant to be in your life?
These were the two questions that were posed at worship tonight during Work and Worship weekend at Wildhorse Canyon. It is actually called Washington Family Ranch, but I just can't bring myself to calling it that. I haven't as of yet figured out the answer to the first question, but I have recently become involved in a ministry called Mark 2
(While he was preaching God's word to them, four men arrived carrying a paralyzed man on a mat. They couldn't bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. Then they lowered the man on his mat, right down in front of Jesus. Mark 2-4).
2 is about helping those who can't really help themselves by giving them a ministry to be involved in. I work with two men who have disabilities of some kind and worked with another who is looking at coming to join. I don't know that I'm meant to be in their life, but I know that they are meant to be in mine. For just a day now I've worked with them and already found several places in my life that I need to work on. I'm sure that I will be assailed with more and more things that I need to work on, but I will work through these things that I have been informed of for now.
Ron Sauer, Jerry Tubbs, Steve Ericson, and I'm sure if I thought about it I could put down about 30 other names. At one time or another I have had people come into my life that have affected me in ways that helped me grow in Christ. These two guys are another couple guys. I wish I could say that I was meant to be in these guys lives, someday, I hope I find one person, one day who will say my name as an answer to that second question, in the mean time I will do what I can to learn rom those who were meant to be in my life.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Head sickness
I have almost made it back from Cambodia. I don't mean that I hit the exit hatch parachuted into the ocean and am now paddling my way back across the Pacific. I mean that my health, weight and some normality (thank you Douglas Adams) has returned. Then Why am I feeling the way that I do right now.
Cambodia was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I had both good and bad times, good memories, as well as some awful experiences that I wish I could forget. Put all together, the trip was something that was and is worth remembering. So now I'm home. I can't forget what happened to me, I can't even begin to explain it, but now I've just lost touch with this half of the world.
If you're wondering what I mean, then that makes two of us. I'm not sure I fully understand why I can't focus on the "what's next" in my life. This has the feel of running through a maze that has no exit, things start to look the same and then you're sure at one point that you've passed that place before.
Friends are still friends, my family is still on my last nerve most the time and I'm walking a tightrope with my finances, that much is the same, but my world has expanded once again and I don't know where I'm supposed to fit into it anymore. I literally have a head ache that won't go away.
Cambodia was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I had both good and bad times, good memories, as well as some awful experiences that I wish I could forget. Put all together, the trip was something that was and is worth remembering. So now I'm home. I can't forget what happened to me, I can't even begin to explain it, but now I've just lost touch with this half of the world.
If you're wondering what I mean, then that makes two of us. I'm not sure I fully understand why I can't focus on the "what's next" in my life. This has the feel of running through a maze that has no exit, things start to look the same and then you're sure at one point that you've passed that place before.
Friends are still friends, my family is still on my last nerve most the time and I'm walking a tightrope with my finances, that much is the same, but my world has expanded once again and I don't know where I'm supposed to fit into it anymore. I literally have a head ache that won't go away.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Complete...
I got a bug! No, I'm not sick, well, actually I am sick, but nothing that I won't get over in a little time. This is a different kind of bug.
I'm told that when people start to get tattoos they just have a way of wanting to get more and more. Sure you can fight the urge and many people I know only have one that they got in the service years and years ago, but it seems that people with tattoos, want more of them.
I imagine that this is the way an addict feels when they get that itch in the back of their mind saying that they need to use again. Once they use, they don't feel it quite so badly. I'm coming off my high from my recent trip but am almost certain that in a month I'm going to want to travel somewhere else. My passport stamps look strangely alone in that this book.
Next trip, I don't know where it will take me. Maybe Israel, China, Australia, all would be equally amazing. I just have to listen carefully to where God is leading me. I'll go where he calls and be glad to do it. So my next adventure is out there, and I can already feel the itch starting. I need to go somewhere. Nevermind the hours in a plane or the week of sickness after. Those are a small price to pay to see the world in the hands of God.
I'm told that when people start to get tattoos they just have a way of wanting to get more and more. Sure you can fight the urge and many people I know only have one that they got in the service years and years ago, but it seems that people with tattoos, want more of them.
I imagine that this is the way an addict feels when they get that itch in the back of their mind saying that they need to use again. Once they use, they don't feel it quite so badly. I'm coming off my high from my recent trip but am almost certain that in a month I'm going to want to travel somewhere else. My passport stamps look strangely alone in that this book.
Next trip, I don't know where it will take me. Maybe Israel, China, Australia, all would be equally amazing. I just have to listen carefully to where God is leading me. I'll go where he calls and be glad to do it. So my next adventure is out there, and I can already feel the itch starting. I need to go somewhere. Nevermind the hours in a plane or the week of sickness after. Those are a small price to pay to see the world in the hands of God.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Missions
I'm not sure what to expect of the next few weeks, but it will see me in 3 foreign countries and travelling over 14,000 miles. I'm not really excited about the trip in and of itself. I'm more excited about what it is God wants me to learn, see, do, while I'm in Cambodia.
A year ago now, Ted Albreicht spoke at my church and invited people to look into missions work for themselves. I began dialogue with some of the council because I felt like it was something that I was supposed to do. Moving ahead til now, I've raised the money and about have my stuff packed.
So, Why am I not excited? If anything I feel a bit fearful. Not for my own health, for the success of the trip, or for even my safety; I'm afraid of what it is that God has in store for me. Too much of my life I have sat and watched other people do things and this is really my first time that I've followed the prompting that I needed from the divine and went.
What will I see? What will happen? I'm not sure, but it is not an overwhelming fear, more like the kind you get when standing on a bridge about to jump into water from some great height. It's been done before by others and you aren't afraid of success, just how you will change as a result of the leap.
Here I go, I'm leaping.
A year ago now, Ted Albreicht spoke at my church and invited people to look into missions work for themselves. I began dialogue with some of the council because I felt like it was something that I was supposed to do. Moving ahead til now, I've raised the money and about have my stuff packed.
So, Why am I not excited? If anything I feel a bit fearful. Not for my own health, for the success of the trip, or for even my safety; I'm afraid of what it is that God has in store for me. Too much of my life I have sat and watched other people do things and this is really my first time that I've followed the prompting that I needed from the divine and went.
What will I see? What will happen? I'm not sure, but it is not an overwhelming fear, more like the kind you get when standing on a bridge about to jump into water from some great height. It's been done before by others and you aren't afraid of success, just how you will change as a result of the leap.
Here I go, I'm leaping.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2011
Run a Marathon
Find gainful employment
Own my own car
More time with God
Noticable character changes
Teach a church class
Repay much of my debt
Get my own place
Finish my book
Go on a mission
Year after year sneaks by me and I barely seem to notice them anymore. I have achieved a point in my life that I really want for nothing. Still, I have yet to figure out how to get rid of some of my basic needs, you know the kinds: food, water, oxygen. Someday I will be called home and not need these things anymore, but for now, I'll work with them.
The above list is 10 things that I set out to accomplish in 2010, and sadly, I only managed to work my way through 3 of them; and set up the fulfillment of a fourth. Much of my debt is gone, I worked through a book with a group of guys at my church that I facilitated the group and I've managed to rid myself of some of my less than attractive character flaws. Just a couple though, after all, if I change completely will I even know who I am anymore.
Those two led to a third that I accomplished, spending more time with God. I went to church about the same number of times but I believe that I spent more time in prayer and contemplation. I involved myself in men's ministry to a point that I was all but required to pray for guidance on many occasions. And the fourth thing, I am heading on a mission here in the first part of February to the lovely country of Cambodia.
Four of ten!! The pessimist in me is screaming that I'm a lazy, no-good failure, that my exploits in 2010 mean very little and I shouldn't bother patting myself on the back, but the screaming optimist within me is shouting that I've made steps. I'm getting there. There is still a ways to go, but the end is in sight. So for 2011, I've managed to come up with a few things to replace the old.
Top 10
Run a Marathon (no injuries this year, please)
Go on that Mission (leave Feb 3rd)
Get a car (el Camino if you please)
Find a place to live
Pay back what I borrowed
Climb a mountain higher than 10,000 feet.
Go on a packing trip for more than 4 days
Visit out-of-town friends more frequently
Finish both of my books (yes, I'm writing 2 of them now)
Begin discipleship with someone
2011 is a week over, but that isn't that far behind.
Find gainful employment
Own my own car
More time with God
Noticable character changes
Teach a church class
Repay much of my debt
Get my own place
Finish my book
Go on a mission
Year after year sneaks by me and I barely seem to notice them anymore. I have achieved a point in my life that I really want for nothing. Still, I have yet to figure out how to get rid of some of my basic needs, you know the kinds: food, water, oxygen. Someday I will be called home and not need these things anymore, but for now, I'll work with them.
The above list is 10 things that I set out to accomplish in 2010, and sadly, I only managed to work my way through 3 of them; and set up the fulfillment of a fourth. Much of my debt is gone, I worked through a book with a group of guys at my church that I facilitated the group and I've managed to rid myself of some of my less than attractive character flaws. Just a couple though, after all, if I change completely will I even know who I am anymore.
Those two led to a third that I accomplished, spending more time with God. I went to church about the same number of times but I believe that I spent more time in prayer and contemplation. I involved myself in men's ministry to a point that I was all but required to pray for guidance on many occasions. And the fourth thing, I am heading on a mission here in the first part of February to the lovely country of Cambodia.
Four of ten!! The pessimist in me is screaming that I'm a lazy, no-good failure, that my exploits in 2010 mean very little and I shouldn't bother patting myself on the back, but the screaming optimist within me is shouting that I've made steps. I'm getting there. There is still a ways to go, but the end is in sight. So for 2011, I've managed to come up with a few things to replace the old.
Top 10
Run a Marathon (no injuries this year, please)
Go on that Mission (leave Feb 3rd)
Get a car (el Camino if you please)
Find a place to live
Pay back what I borrowed
Climb a mountain higher than 10,000 feet.
Go on a packing trip for more than 4 days
Visit out-of-town friends more frequently
Finish both of my books (yes, I'm writing 2 of them now)
Begin discipleship with someone
2011 is a week over, but that isn't that far behind.
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