Journal June 12

This is my weekend. I've had Sunday and Monday off for quite a while now and today is the first day that I truly feel no pressure to do anything. At some point I hope that I get out for a run or better yet, a hike. I feel the urge to do neither of these things, unfortunately. Today I have distracted myself with the wonders of Arrakis, the mystery of Cyrodil, and the conflict of Middle Earth. I've read, played games and watched movies much of the day. Truly I would feel lazy except that it is nearly 1 in the afternoon and I've been up for over 6 hours.

I'm tired. The last week has been a strain on my body and my faith. I fear that I have over-extended my ability to work and endure. I try to remain awake late in order to catch every part of the day, but I'm continuing to get out of bed earlier and earlier. I don't know how to sleep peacefully because I got to bed with so much on my mind. Much of it gives me a good feeling, but some of it just adds to my weariness. I push through day after day, working with the guys and it seems that more things are piled upon me every day. I need a rest, but I don't know where to go to get it.

Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week. I'm a large fan of fellowship and it used to stand that the only day I could get this was on Sunday. I live now in a camp that the weariness of the world has infected many of the people who would normally be pursuing a God that gives shelter and rest. I try to surrender my every breath but find that I am unable.

My head is beginning to hurt and I am clenching my teeth which historically have been signs that I am under stress. I don't know what I can do to climb out from under the stressors of my life apart from giving up on a job that is important to do, friends that fulfill me, and a God that comforts me. I have just realized that the God that I find it so hard to trust and walk after gives me much of my strength to endure this life, day after day.

I don't give Him his due. I sit in my house and worry about the strangeness of my life and some strange things in my life. I ask him for help when it suits me but never ask him what I can do to help suit Him. I can't imagine the "honey-do" list that is given to God by the people in this world. He seeks the best for us and wishes us all the blessings that he has for us, but we forget the requests that we give to him. On top of that, how many other people are asking requests of God. I should be content to my life as it is and enjoy the fruits of this labor that I give to God. Even if I'm not quite sure why I'm doing it.