I thought seriously about naming this post "killing yourself", but that doesn't quite describe what I want it to say. "Killing yourself" might get the authorities knocking on my door and arresting me to sit in a room with no one to talk to all day long, while I try to figure out why I'm trying to kill myself, but in actuality, I'm not.
Ending yourself is completely different. I'm at a point within my ministry where I'm perceived in a certain way, and I don't want to be that guy. I'm the "young" guy. Not even 30, and I spend the first Tuesday of every month with a group of middle aged guys and we talk about Men. A great topic for men to talk about, unless you are the boy in the group. I'm not there because someone reached out and shook my hand and pulled me along to be there, I'm there searching for myself, and I'm certainly not finding what I sought. I've made some good friends, and those guys, I think, see me as another guy, instead of someone that their daughter might date.
So how does this fit with ending myself... I'm no longer going to be the young guy. If they want to reach out and talk with me, they can, I'll be their equal, but I won't be just some kid who they entertain because I'm around. My life has sucked at certain times, and I feel like I have some experience to share, if not as much as some, so I'll be me, and if it isn't who they expect, all the better.
Jesse,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your frustration.
I too know what it's like to be seen and then treated as someone I’m not...
I hope you find the strength to be your true self and in return- gain the respect and friendship you deserve and wish for.
You once encouraged me to read DUNE and this quote has become a favorite in circumstances when I feel... like you did, I guess.
"There always come interludes of lonely power when the course of humankind, depends upon the relatively simple actions of single individuals."
My prayers and thoughts are with you,
Elicia